Holding On
by evitascarlett
Summary: A collection of deleted scenes, missing moments and some alternate scenes from Apologize.
1. Chapter 1 -Judgment

_A/N: I finally decided to put all of the deleted scenes for Apologize together in one place (except for the ones that have already been posted separately). As I was going through my notebooks, I found even more deleted scenes than I recalled…also a few alternate scenes and they'll be getting posted too._

 _This scene is from chapter 36; Kate had left the loft after discovering Castle's secret about Smith and Castle had tried to make amends with Johanna for the things she overheard during his argument with Kate. She asked him to get her laptop from the safe for her. This was supposed to be their second conversation of that night but I cut it due to word count, although I did allude to it during a moment in a conversation Castle was having with Kate._

Deleted Scene – Judgment- from Chapter 36

Castle returned to the guest room with Johanna's laptop, hoping he'd made the right decision to trust her not to flee. He found her sitting on the foot of the bed, her overnight bag now sitting across the room on the chair. "Here you go," he told her as he held the computer out to her.

"Thank you," she replied as she accepted it.

He turned to leave but her voice stopped him before he got to the door. "You can judge me all you want," Johanna said quietly. "But you're not perfect either."

"I never said I was," Castle said as he turned to face her.

"No; but you give the impression that you think you are when you're standing in judgment of someone else's imperfections."

"I wouldn't call this situation an 'imperfection'," he remarked. "An imperfection is a trait not an action…we were talking about your actions."

"And how you stand in judgment of them," she stated; her eyes meeting his. "You think you're better…that you never would've done it, that it would've been more noble to die. You can make a hero out of someone in that instance, and that's what you'd want to be. But someone who chose to flee on the advice of a government agency…well that person is just a coward. That's how you view me…a selfish coward."

He gave a shake of his head. "I never said that."

"You don't have to say it…it makes itself known. But what you don't seem to grasp is that Kate's been in danger long before any of you even knew I was still on this earth. She's been in danger from the moment she opened up that file and started digging…and from what I hear, you encouraged her in that. You poked your nose into it when she asked you not to. You violated her trust…you put her back on the path."

"What do you know about it?" he asked somewhat tartly. "I doubt Kate confessed all of that to you."

A hint of a smirk curved the corner of her lips upwards. "You're not privy to every conversation that we have, Rick…nor are you privy to the little chats I have with Ryan and Esposito when they stop by instead of Katie. I know all about it. Don't you think you endangered her? Did you ever think about that? Do you ever look back and think that someone somewhere might've known I was still alive but no longer deemed me as much of a threat as long as I forced into an exile where I had to lead a new life? That I might've been watched…and that you two might've eventually dug around enough and found some clue that I was still out there. You could've put me in more jeopardy than I already was."

"You weren't in jeopardy any longer, you were safe in Wyoming…you survived thirteen years out there," he retorted.

"That doesn't mean that someone might not have been watching from afar," she said in clipped tone. "Do you really think that I never considered that someone might find me? If you think I didn't ponder that thought all the time, you're crazy."

His hand clenched at his side. "So you're trying to shove all the blame onto me?"

"No; I'm just showing you that you're just as capable of putting people in jeopardy as I am. Like this thing with Mr. Smith."

Castle sighed. "I thought we just discussed this."

"I decided I'm not finished," Johanna said sharply. "You want to stand there and look at me with judgment in your eyes, well now it's my turn to judge you…and if you want to put me out of your house for it, please do, but I'll have my say before I go."

"You're not going anywhere unless Kate goes with you," he said firmly.

She ignored his remark and moved ahead with what she had to say. "From what I understand, you had one phone conversation with this 'Mr. Smith' and you put your complete faith and trust in him. You have no idea what his real name is, you know nothing about him. You don't know what role he has in any of this, if his loyalty can be trusted, if he has something to gain by betraying you…or by pretending to be on your side. You just automatically took his word…and you see nothing wrong with that. You didn't even consider for a minute that he might just be someone who wanted to use you to pull strings or to keep tabs on Katie, now did you?"

His jaw was tight with tension. "I told you; he's a friend of Montgomery's."

"And I reminded you that despite her loyalty to his memory, there's still a part of Katie that thinks about how he betrayed her. Every day he looked her in the face knowing who was responsible for taking her mother from her…every day, Rick. Every day he looked at her and knew that he was a part of the reason that took away someone she loved. She thinks about that…and she's going to be suspicious of people connected to him because of that betrayal. But you don't think about that. You think you know best…and you don't always know what's best. You gave your trust to someone who may not be worthy and you refuse to even think about it for a second because you're too busy trying to justify it…too busy judging her for her reaction because she doesn't fall at your feet and think it's wonderful that you took chances like that. You're too busy wanting to blame everyone but you…I'm willing to own everything else, Rick…but I'm not going to own this one. This is on you; my presence might have screwed up your so called deal…which was never going to last anyway, but it didn't change anything at the core. You did something that could've placed her in more danger. You think it's all me…but you have your hand in it too."

She touched a nerve and for a moment he hated her for it. Perhaps he had been reckless; he'd been so driven to keep Kate protected that he took Smith for his word without much thought to the other side of the coin...but he didn't feel that his trust had been misplaced…but he also didn't like the feeling that Johanna was right, that he could've endangered Kate just as much as she had. He shook the thought away, concentrating on his anger instead. "You're hand was stirring this pot long before mine was, Johanna. You're the one who took the case."

"I'm aware of that," she replied. "Believe me, it's been a very lonely existence for the last thirteen years. I've had plenty of time to think about what I've done. I wish I hadn't taken the case; I wish I never would've gotten that letter. But you don't always know that the letter in your mailbox is going to upend your life in ways you can't even begin to fathom. I've regretted it every day…and don't you ever think otherwise," she said sharply.

"You could've just dropped the case," Castle said tartly.

Johanna gave a soft scoff. "Do you really think that wasn't the first phrase out of my mouth when the F.B.I. approached me? Because I assure you it was. I would've dropped it faster than you can blink. It was too late! I had already poked around enough that I apparently knew more than I should and it was decided that I needed to be dealt with. The hit was already out; I'm lucky that someone somewhere knew about it and tipped off an agent. I didn't have all the time in the world to make a decision. I had two options; I chose to live so that I could come back. There might be hurt and anger but those things can be worked through. At least I have a chance, God willing, to fulfill the dreams Jim and I had of growing old together. At least I have a chance to see Katie walk down the aisle…a chance to hold my grandchildren. Are there moments when I wish I had let it go the other way…yes…because sometimes I hurt so much and I hate myself so much that I think it would've been better for everybody…but then I pick myself up and remind myself that despite the years of loneliness, the hurt, the anger, the loss…I'm still here, and I can have the years ahead of me if this ends. I didn't want to die for someone else's sins. You don't get a second chance when that card is drawn…so yeah, I chose to draw the other card…a card that came with the chance of coming home. Do I wish my homecoming could've been different, that everything could've been over and the threat of danger gone? Of course I do; but it wasn't meant to be that way…after all of this time, maybe it's going to take both of us to end it. We don't get to control everything that happens in our lives, Rick. You seem to think you can but you can't. This spiraled out of my control long before I even knew it."

He blew out a breath but kept his lips pressed together. He understood what she was saying and he was glad that she had been spared. But just like the last time they had waded into these waters, he was torn about whether he would've done the same thing.

"I know what you're thinking," Johanna stated as she clutched the laptop in her hands. "You're thinking that you wouldn't have done it if you were in my shoes. You think I somehow feel good about what I did; but I don't. Going away was the only viable option. I couldn't risk putting Katie and Jim in danger by staying. I couldn't risk putting them in danger by telling them the truth…they might've been watched, someone could've picked up on things if they didn't act the way a grieving family is supposed to. It might've looked suspicious if they just all of a sudden up and moved away a few days or weeks later. It ate me alive but I did what I felt was best for all of us…I was protecting them and I was giving myself the chance to come back to them."

"You've told me before."

"It seems like it bears repeating," she replied. "Just like you can stand there and tell me a million times that you wouldn't leave Alexis even if you felt her safety might depend on it…but you're a liar."

Castle's eyes widened at the statement and his lips parted to offer a rebuke but she continued on before he could even form a phrase.

"You'd go," she said knowingly. "You'd hate it but you'd go…because you love her and she's the most important thing to you. You'd console yourself with the knowledge that she'd have Martha here to help her through, to guide her, love her and look after her until you could come back. You'd leave to keep your mother safe…because she's all you had for a long time; because you love her, because you need her to be here for Alexis. You'd leave to keep Kate safe because you love her and wouldn't want to be responsible for any harm that came to her because of you. It would kill you inside, but you'd go. It might be more noble to go with the first option and end up on one of Lanie's slabs…but you don't get the second chance card with that one. You'd want the second chance…you'd go, I'll never believe otherwise. You can say it until you're blue in the face and I'd never believe you'd put your pride above the safety of your love ones and the need to be in their lives even if you have to be absent for awhile. So don't you stand in judgment of me…you've made your own mistakes, maybe not as big, but you've made them. You've hurt people. You've taken risks you probably shouldn't have. Don't let your ego convince you that you're something bigger than you are because you're not. I like you, Rick…but I see your flaws just as easily as you see mine and Katie's. You have no room to talk."

Castle was silent for a long minute, digesting her tirade. She had thoroughly told him off in that somewhat neutral clipped tone of hers…and he felt like maybe he had deserved it a little; after all, he had been silently judging her and not so silently blaming her. Before he had left the room to get her computer, she had apologized for messing up everyone's life, for being a burden…for being born. But somehow in time it took for him to go downstairs and fetch her computer from the safe and then return to the room, she had decided that she wasn't quite finished…that maybe despite being sorry, she had more fire to unleash…and he couldn't find it within himself to be offended. She spoke the truth, whether he liked it or not. He couldn't even find it in him to be offended that he was the one she unloaded on because he knew he was the only one she could go off on freely without too much worry. He could see the weight on her shoulders, the strain and tiredness in her eyes. She kept her anger suffocated…but he had poked it by keeping something from Kate. She fought for herself…but she fought twice as hard for Kate and she couldn't allow him to go un-chastened for the hurt he had caused her child. She may have called him out on a number of things…but mostly her underlying cause had been Kate. She fought the battle in her absence, backing her up, standing their ground. He could respect that; his pride and ego could take it even if she had unleashed pleasant thoughts in his mind. He breathed deeply and tried to figure out what to say as she watched him expectantly.

"If you want me to leave," Johanna spoke up; "I'm happy to do so and there aren't any hard feelings on my part. I'll have to take Katie with me since I'm basically her job right now, and I am sorry for that. I can call and tell her that we need to go…that I'll pack up our stuff and be waiting for her to pick me up."

Castle shook his head. "No; I need you here."

"What for?" she asked.

He smiled. "Your sparkling conversation, of course."

"Liar."

"I think you need to be here too," he commented.

Johanna scoffed. "Trust me, I don't."

"Yeah, you do…you need to yell at someone once in awhile; you're too afraid to yell at Kate much and you're too afraid to yell at Jim. But you're not afraid of me."

She shook her head. "You're wrong. I can't press my luck with you. You and Katie will eventually make up, you'll tell her, she'll get mad at me and tell me off and hate me and I'll be back to square one."

"If you feel that way, why did you do it?"

Johanna shrugged. "Because I think you deserved it."

His heart was heavy and his mind weighed down, but he managed another smile for her. "You're probably right."

"I usually am."

"See, that's another reason you have to stay…why only have one mother around when I can have two," he remarked.

"Don't suck up to me now," Johanna remarked as she rose from the foot of the bed and walked around to the side, placing her computer on the nightstand as she pulled back the covers. "I know where I stand."

"And where do you think that is?"

"I don't think I have to tell you that, Rick; I think you know."

"I don't have a low opinion of you."

She smiled as she turned to face him. "See, you knew. It's okay though, you don't need to feel badly about having a low opinion of me, plenty of people have before and they will again. I can take it as long as it isn't my husband."

"And your daughter?"

"I allow Katie to have wiggle room."

"That's good of you."

"I'm not such an unreasonable person," she replied.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Very."

"I don't think lowly of you, Johanna," Castle said once again; "And like I said before, you're welcome here, you're safe here. You're among friends."

"I appreciate your hospitality; although I do hate to impose," she replied as she moved to her overnight bag and took out her nightgown and robe. "Can we be done now? I want to get ready for bed."

"I feel like you now have a low opinion of me," he remarked as he remained in the room.

She smiled and gave a shake of her head. "That's not true at all, Rick. My opinion of you hasn't changed. I won't object at the wedding, I swear. I also won't wear black."

"I appreciate that…even though there's no wedding."

"I don't rule out the future possibility of one," she remarked as she moved to the door of the bathroom that was attached to the guest room. "Goodnight, Rick."

He frowned as she slipped inside the bathroom and locked the door behind her. He was sure that her opinion of him had changed and he'd have to find a way to fix that…along with fixing things with Kate. A heavy breath crossed his lips as he left the guest room and closed the door behind him. He knew that the conversation with Kate wouldn't be easy…and he didn't have a clue how to make Johanna comfortable with his presence again. When he screwed up, he never did it half way…he always had to go above and beyond. Lucky him, he thought sarcastically. He couldn't wait until this was all over and there could be peace…for all of them.

 _A/N: I have several scenes from the chapter 35/36 arc (the shooting at Kate's apartment and their stay with Castle). They're the ones I've been working on so they'll all be posted first before I go back to earlier chapters._


	2. Chapter 2 - Stubborn

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

 _This scene is also from chapter 36; it's the morning after Castle's secret about Smith came out. Kate left for work early and Castle was left with Johanna once Martha and Alexis abandoned ship. At the end of the scene in the chapter, he was leaving to go join Kate at the precinct; this was supposed to be the rest of that morning scene between him and Johanna._

Deleted Scene – Stubborn – from chapter 36

Despite Castle's need to flee and the desire to try and smooth things over with Kate by delivering her usual cup of coffee, he returned to the kitchen table where Johanna was still sitting after he had finished getting ready to go out.

"I thought you were leaving," Johanna remarked as she glanced up from the newspaper.

"You don't need to be so anxious to get rid of me," he replied lightly.

"Well you did say you'd rather try your luck with Katie."

"I still stand by that statement," he told her. "Believe me, I prefer to go."

Her brow rose. "What's stopping you?"

"I'll feel better waiting until Jim gets here."

"I'll be fine. I'm used to being by myself."

"That may be true but in light of recent events, I believe you shouldn't be alone…and you haven't been up to this point while you've been here. Jim's usually here before we all head out."

"Technically, I'm not alone," Johanna replied. "There are units watching the building; you have a doorman and neighbors. I'm not alone in the building."

"Okay, I'll give you that one," he remarked. "But you're alone in here."

Her gaze flicked to his. "I don't touch anything."

Castle regarded her for a moment. "I didn't say you did...but now I'm wondering if that's why you've been sending Jim out to buy you lunch every day…because you don't want to touch my groceries."

"My husband likes to buy lunch for me."

"But you could make your own lunch…I'm not going to charge you for the groceries. Unlike your daughter, going to the store doesn't bother me."

"Katie takes after her father when it comes to grocery shopping. He was never fond of it either while he was single. When he got tired of take out and was low on groceries, he'd just come knock on my door at dinner time."

"Well at least you knew you had his stomach hooked along with his heart," Castle replied.

"His stomach came more easily than the rest of him but we worked it out. As for the matter of him buying me lunch, it makes our days seem more date like when he does that."

Castle sighed. "I think you just like to be stubborn."

"How is it being stubborn? Jim and I make the most of the time we have together. When I first came back, lunch dates was our little 'easing back into things' method. It's always been a staple between us, even when we were just friends. We can't go out right now…and the one time we got to, we had to take you and Katie along with us. So if he can buy food from a restaurant and we can sit at a table together and eat it, just the two of us and feel like we're having that date like intimacy back, then what's wrong with that? He likes to bring me lunch…he likes to bring me flowers and candy bars, sodas and magazines…anything he thinks will make me smile, because that's what he does, it's what he's always done. So maybe I am stubborn…because I'm not going to let anyone take that from us again and if it offends you, I'm sorry…but you'll have to forgive us…or not. Your choice."

"Okay," he replied. "I didn't realize I was treading into sacred territory; forgive me."

"How about we just get to the point here," Johanna said tiredly. "You're staying here and indulging in this conversation because you don't trust me to be here by myself."

"Why would you think that?"

"You did make the assumption last night that I was going to take off."

"Well you were packing," he replied.

"No, I was refolding my clothes, which have been in that bag since we got here. I needed to be busy and straightening out my bag was all I had."

"You also kept telling me to feel free to throw you out of my house," Castle stated.

"You are free to do so," Johanna remarked. "I'm not a relative. You don't have to feel obligated."

He met her eye. "I'm starting to think that my mother should've let you hide in your room…you're very cranky today."

"Yes, I know; you've mentioned it. I'm profoundly sorry. How can I make it up to you?" she asked.

Castle sensed sarcasm but he plunged ahead. "Call Jim and tell him to hurry."

Johanna picked up her phone and sent a text to her husband. "Done," she announced before falling silent and giving her attention back to the newspaper. She squinted to make out some of the smaller print as her glasses were still upstairs on the nightstand.

"You shouldn't squint," Castle remarked.

She ignored the statement, feeling it was best to end their ill fated conversation. She wasn't in the best of moods and apparently neither was he. He should be Katie's problem instead of hers anyway, she reasoned.

"Where are your glasses?" he asked lightly. "Don't you know that squinting will give you wrinkles? I thought women your age wanted to avoid that."

She frowned. She was sure that he was joking but she didn't like to be reminded about her age…especially when it was coming in relation to those damn reading glasses. She didn't want to feel old before her time. She was still energetic and healthy, she didn't feel her age…but those glasses made her feel like she was being aged prematurely and other people probably viewed it the same way. She laid the paper down and rose from her chair and then headed for the stairs.

"Johanna?" Castle called after her.

"I'm fine."

"I didn't ask that."

"It's my answer anyway."

He blew out a frustrated breath. "Women," he muttered quietly. He thought he had a good understanding of them…but then he'd met the Beckett women. They seemed to be some sort of rarity among the species…they couldn't be figured out. He sat in the silence for at least twenty minutes, pondering what to do about his house guest. Kate was easier to deal with, he'd known her longer and they had a relationship. She was angry right now, but he hoped she'd at least hear him out now that she'd had some time to cool off overnight. Johanna was a different story however; he didn't know her like Kate and Jim did. He didn't know how to smooth over the hurt feelings that he had caused. He wasn't sure if she just required time to sort things out or if he'd really blown her opinion of him. There was a part of him that didn't want to care…but he did care. Hurting Johanna wasn't something he wanted to do; she was Kate's mother, she was a part of the woman he loved. He liked her, wanted her to feel as if she was among family in his home, but that didn't seem likely now. He was spared further thought by a knock at the door. He moved toward it, praying that he'd find Jim on the other side. For once he wasn't disappointed.

"Finished with that car already?" he asked as his gaze met Jim's.

"Not exactly. My brother forgot to pick up a few things we needed and then Johanna sent her 'please hurry' text so I told him something came up with a case I'm working on and that I'd come back this evening."

Castle gave a nod. "I guess it isn't easy to have to keep telling lies to your family and friends about what you're doing."

"It's worth it," Jim replied without hesitation. "I don't care how many stories I have to make up as long as I can be her. Where is my wife?" he asked as his gaze scanned the loft.

"She's upstairs," he replied; his gaze shifting away. "She's…on the cranky side this morning."

"Well she's probably due for a cranky day. If I was in her place I'd probably be irritated every day. She does her best to hold it in."

He wanted to beg to differ but he refrained. "I think she went to get her glasses. I told her she'd get wrinkles if she kept squinting at the newspaper."

Jim grimaced. "Tell me you didn't."

"I did…but I meant it as a joke."

The older man shook his head. "Don't ever joke about aging and her glasses in the same breath, Rick. She's very sensitive about her reading glasses."

"Why? It's not a big deal to have reading glasses."

"It is to her."

"I've heard Kate tease her once in awhile about it."

"Katie's different," Jim replied; "That falls under loving mother-daughter teasing that isn't taken seriously. It's different from everyone else. She's convinced that those glasses make her look old…and if a man seems to be remarking upon them and age in a round about way, she's assuming that you're calling her old. She also believes that if some other man is commenting like that then it'll mean I'm thinking the same thing. She's so worried about what I think of her when she wears those glasses. She tried to hide them from me for awhile…I had to confront her about it and then I made the mistake of smiling when I saw her with them on and she thought I was laughing at her. She started crying right there in the middle of the diner."

It figured, Castle thought to himself, he just couldn't win with that woman. "I didn't realize that she was sensitive about it…of course she seems to be sensitive about everything this morning."

"That happens sometimes," Jim replied as if he wasn't worried about his wife's mood as he walked to the bottom of the stairs. "Jo," he called out.

"I'm here," she called out and they could hear the sound of her footsteps hurrying down the hallway and then slowing before she appeared at the top of the stairs.

Jim smiled as she descended the stairs. "You like to keep me waiting, don't you, sweetheart?"

"Once in awhile," she said with a soft smile before pausing on the bottom step and accepting his good morning kiss.

"Did Katie leave for work or is she hiding too?"

"She went to work early this morning," Johanna answered as she shot a glance at Castle as she stepped off the stairs.

Jim turned his attention back to the writer. "Why aren't you with her?"

"I…," he stammered; knowing that Jim was picking up on a vibe and was subtly accusing him of not living up to the teamwork bargain.

"They had a fight," Johanna supplied.

"You've only lived together for a day or two and you've already had a fight?" Jim said with a small hint of a grin on his lips. "That must be a new record."

"Yeah," Castle agreed as he shifted on his feet. "It's not one I'm proud of."

Jim glanced back at his wife. "I'm surprised I didn't find you and Katie on the porch last night."

"I suggested it," she said. "But I was overruled."

"You suggested it?" Castle exclaimed.

Johanna held his gaze. "Weak moment, I'm sure you can understand."

His gaze shifted away and Jim began to pick up the hint that he wasn't being told everything. "Is Johanna mad at you on Katie's behalf or did you do something to make her mad at you in her own right?"

"I'm not entirely sure and I'm not sure I want to ask."

"I'm not mad," Johanna spoke up. "I'm just tired."

Jim looked her over. "You didn't sleep again last night, did you?"

"Not much," she admitted.

"You need to try harder. You're going to make yourself sick, Jo."

"I'm fine," she sighed.

"I'm sure she and Kate were up late discussing the faults of men," Castle quipped.

Jim gave a quiet laugh. "How did I fare in that discussion?"

She smiled. "You did just fine, honey. You were barely mentioned at all. Rick, on the other hand, is another story; and as I told him earlier, he's lucky I defended him."

"I haven't forgotten," Castle replied.

"Good; and while we're having this chat, why don't you give Jim your sympathies in person."

"Sympathies?" Jim asked.

Castle closed his eyes for a moment. "Johanna, you're a tattle tale."

She gave him an innocent smile. "I just thought that Jim would appreciate knowing that you admire his ability to deal with me and Katie without losing his mind."

Jim glanced at the younger man. "You must've gotten yourself into a hell of a mess last night after I left."

"I did," he admitted. "Maybe you shouldn't leave tonight. I'm one man against four women…and since two of them are yours, you should provide back up."

"He can't," Johanna remarked. "Kate and I seem to be sharing a room now."

Jim chuckled. "So in essence it could be said that Katie went home to her mother?"

"In a manner of speaking," Castle responded. "Although I tried to dissuade it."

"It must've been pretty bad."

"I'll let Johanna fill you in on the details, I'm sure she'll enjoy that," Castle said. "Now that you're here, I'll go try to smooth things over with your daughter."

"Good luck," Jim told him.

"You too."

Jim slipped an arm around Johanna's waist. "Don't worry about us, we'll be fine."

Castle watched as Johanna melted into her husband's side, some of the tension easing from her body. It was something he had noticed several times, even when nothing was overtly wrong, Jim's presence would ease the silent lingering anxiety that he could sometimes read in her body language. They always seemed so in tune with each other; able to speak without words just by sharing a look; able to comfort with a touch…able to relax because they knew the other would help shoulder the burdens. There was always a sparkle in their eyes that spoke of the deep intimacy between them…and relief. In Jim's eyes it was the relief that came with having his wife back; and yet there was fear there too. In Johanna's eyes there was relief that he had taken her back…and the feeling that he might be the one person in the world who loved her unconditionally.

In softened him slightly; she was right, he couldn't begin to imagine her plight; the pain she lived with or the guilt that ate her alive. She'd told him a little about it that day he went to talk to her after she and Kate had began their little project to narrow down a suspect. She told him some of the dark thoughts she had over the years. He figured that a woman probably didn't sentence herself to a life like that on a whim; that she had really believed she was doing what was best for all of them. There had been flaws in the plan of course; she had convinced herself that it wouldn't be for long. She stayed away to keep the people she loved most safe. It cost them all but they had that second chance she kept speaking of. Her reasons for coming back were that she couldn't take it anymore…and because Kate had been shot. Clearly she had struggled with the decision for a year before she showed up at the precinct…because Kate was already in danger regardless of her presence.

Castle figured it had seemed logical to Johanna…but he still wondered if she had ever really considered the amount of danger that she would bring when she left the protection of the F.B.I.. He didn't think she had…or at the very least, she had assumed the targets would suddenly shift to her and away from Kate. He sighed, a part of him did wish that she had stayed in Wyoming; her return, as wonderful as it was, had only brought trouble to their door. He supposed that wasn't really fair though; he was frustrated and angry…he was using her as a scapegoat…just like Kate often did…even worse, she allowed them to because she felt like she deserved it.

"Something wrong, Rick?" Johanna asked as if she sensed he was thinking about her.

"No more than usual," he answered.

She studied him for a moment before speaking. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything."

"We already had that discussion."

She nodded. "You should go take Katie her coffee…you don't want her inflicting her crankiness on the world."

"You're right; I don't want that on my conscience. Make yourselves at home, lock the door behind me," he remarked.

Johanna followed him to the door and locked it once he was gone. She then returned to her husband and buried herself in his arms.

"What's going on around here, Jo?"

She exhaled a heavy breath and slipped away from him. "Do you want some coffee?"

"Yeah; if it'll help."

She busied herself pouring him a cup of coffee and then beckoned him to join her at the table. "What's going on?" he asked once again.

Her gaze met his. "Rick had a secret of his own and it came out last night."

Jim tensed slightly. "What was it?"

Johanna explained everything that she knew about Castle's dealings with the mysterious Mr. Smith, the argument she and Martha had overheard…the things that were said about her; but she left out the talks she and Rick had, not wanting to upset Jim more than necessary and not wanting to make him feel like he had to defend her honor, because she had no doubt that he'd call Rick on things that he had said if he knew.

When she finished, Jim laid his hand over hers, his fingers softly rubbing against her skin as he pondered this latest development. Finally his gaze met hers and he spoke. "Do you feel safe here, Jo?" he asked quietly. "Because if you don't, I'm going to take you out of here."

She shook her head. "I don't think Katie would approve of that."

"I'm willing to go over her head if need be; do you feel safe here?"

"Yes; I feel safe enough here. If Katie had any doubts she would've already moved us," she answered while silently thinking that she might feel safe but she wasn't comfortable being there but that had nothing to do with Rick's revelation.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah; I'm sure."

Jim clutched her hand; suppressing the need to take her and flee for some place where they couldn't be found. "Nothing's changed," Johanna whispered. "You don't need to worry anymore than usual."

He nodded as he tried to quell that small feeling of fear and the hint of panic at thinking they'd trusted the wrong person. He knew it was just a knee jerk reaction though, that really Castle hadn't given him any reason to doubt his word. He'd been trying to help keep Katie safe and he couldn't fault him for that…but he wasn't going to stop worrying and being afraid until this was all over and Johanna was in the car with him as he headed home.

Her sad green eyes met his gaze and he could tell that tears weren't far away. "What are you thinking about, sweetheart?" he asked gently.

"Do you think I was wrong?" she whispered.

"Wrong for what?"

"Coming home," she answered; her voice cracking with emotion.

Jim shook his head. "No," he said without hesitation. "You weren't wrong to go…and you weren't wrong to come home. Don't you ever let anyone make you doubt that. Maybe other people don't understand, but I do. Do I wish things could've been different somehow and we didn't have to lose so much time? Of course, but we've got time ahead of us and we'll make up for it. Do I wish I'd known that this was going to happen when you took that case? Yes; because then I could've stopped it from happening by making you drop it…and I know you would've never touched it if you had known. Things aren't the way any of us would like them to be…but maybe this is how it's supposed to be. We don't know the master plan for our lives…maybe it has to be this way at this time for a reason. You weren't wrong; you did the right thing."

A few tears slipped down her cheek. "I want to go home," Johanna murmured. "I just want to go home."

He gripped her hand and tugged her from her chair onto his lap. She sank into his arms, a sob breaking free. "Soon, sweetheart…I'm going to take you home soon."

"I wish soon would hurry," she cried.

"I know; me too. You just have to keep holding on for me," he told her. "It won't be long…I've already started getting things ready for you."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been buying all the things you need so they'll be there when you come home. The drawers are ready for your clothes, the closet too. There's space on the bookcase for your new books…your old ones are still there, waiting on you to re-read them. Everything's going to be ready for you to come home, including me."

"I wish it could be today," Johanna said softly as she clung to him.

"So do I…but we'll make it awhile longer. It's going to be alright."

She nodded in response, knowing it was what he wanted as she suppressed the urge to tell him that she changed her mind; that she wanted them to run away together…that she wanted to go now. It was a feeling born of fear and she forced herself to shake it away. There couldn't truly be an escape until this was all over and the man responsible was dead or behind bars…and she wasn't sure which option she was rooting for. At the moment it didn't matter; all that mattered was seeing it through…and going home when it was over.

Her husband tipped her face up and wiped away her tears before claiming her lips in a soft kiss. "We're going to make it through this," Jim told her. "I want you to keep believing that…can you do that?"

"For you, I can believe anything," Johanna whispered as she made herself reach deep into her soul and cling to that ounce of hope that remained.


	3. Chapter 3- Frustration

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

 _This scene is from chapter 36; the same night as the leak from the precinct had been killed and his killer slipped away._

Deleted Scene – Frustration – from Ch 36

Johanna found herself laying awake once again, the latest news of failed leads keeping her from finding any sense of peace. Her jumbled thoughts made concentrating on a book impossible and her discomfort at being in the Castle home weighed heavily upon her. She wished they could go back to Kate's apartment. At least there she could occupy herself. At Kate's she had a better chance at being with her husband. He had offered to stay…and she had wanted him to…but they both knew Kate didn't want him to stay. She also knew that he'd be just as uncomfortable staying there as she was. She sighed and pulled the covers tighter, trying to ward off the chill of the air conditioning. Her nerves made her cold as well. She needed distraction. She needed Jim. Against her better judgment, she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and tapped out a message to him.

" _Are you awake?"_

The phone buzzed a moment later. _"Of course I'm awake. Are you okay?"_ Jim had written back.

" _I'm fine…except for being cold. I wish you were here."_

" _I wish I was there too," he responded. "Can't you get an extra blanket?"_

" _I don't want to bother anyone; it's late,"_ Johanna wrote back.

" _I don't think anyone would mind. I'm sure Katie could get you what you need."_

" _I'm not going to bother Katie. I've made a vow to stay away from any bedroom she's sharing with a man."_

" _Please, don't put that thought in my head."_

Johanna laughed softly. _"She's a grown woman."_

" _To me, she's always going to be my little girl."_

" _I know, she's always going to be mine too…but I'm still not going to bother her. I'd rather have you."_

" _You want me there because you miss your personal heating system, right?"_ Jim jested, sensing that she needed her spirits lifted.

" _Among other reasons."_

" _What reasons would they be, sweetheart?"_

" _Well, I've always enjoyed cuddling up to you,"_ she replied. _"And then there's falling asleep with you…and waking up with you…and everything else about you."_

" _I am quite a catch, aren't I?"_

" _Are we conceited tonight?" she asked._

" _Nope; just stating a fact. You're quite a catch yourself, I'm glad you got caught in my net ;)."_

She smiled in the glow of the screen. _"I'm pretty sure I'm the one who had to chase you with a net."_

" _We'll just say it was mutual. Do you want me to come back? I'll come right now if you want me to."_

Johanna stared at the message for a long moment as she debated how to answer. The ache in her heart grew stronger and her first instinct was to beg him to come to her. She knew he would if she asked; he'd defy Katie's orders in a moment. It would feel so good to have him there with her…to have his arms around her…to feel safe and loved. She almost tapped out a message imploring him to hurry but then she stopped herself. She couldn't drag him out in the middle of the night just because she wanted to be held. It wasn't safe. She also didn't want to deal with Kate's ire…and she knew he wouldn't like staying there anymore than she did. Her phone buzzed, a new message waiting on her.

" _Jo? Do you want me to come back…because I will. Katie will get over it."_

She smiled sadly. _"I want you to but you better stay put,"_ she replied; glad that they were having this conversation via text so that he wouldn't hear the emotion that was probably evident in her voice.

" _Why?"_ he asked.

" _Because it's late. It's safer for you to stay home. I also don't feel up to waging battle with Katie."_

" _I'll wage it for you if you want me there."_

" _I do…but I also want you to be safe. I don't think you'd be comfortable here."_

Johanna stared at her phone for a long minute, waiting on the next response. When it was slow in coming, she began to worry that she had offended him somehow.

" _Are you comfortable there?"_ he finally replied.

" _God no,"_ she answered honestly.

" _You don't like living in the home of a millionaire?"_

" _No. I don't mind visiting but I'm not a fan of this extended stay. I can't do anything here…it drives me crazy."_

" _What can't you do?"_ Jim asked.

" _I can't clean, I can't cook. I don't feel free to move about. This isn't my home. I feel trapped here…just like I did in Wyoming. I'd never say so to Katie, because I know we have no choice; but I don't like it here and I don't want to be here."_

Worry coursed through Jim as he read her message. Was someone making her feel that way? Did someone hurt her feelings? Were they giving her the impression that she wasn't welcome there or that she was a burden they were tolerating for Kate's sake?

" _Is someone saying something to make you feel that strongly?"_ he typed back.

She hesitated as she pondered her answer. There was the conversation with Rick. There were looks and awkward pauses at times with Martha. Alexis sometimes seemed wary of her despite her politeness. She felt like an intruder in their lives and in their home. They were all nice to her and she classified Martha as a friend despite the tension surrounding all of them…but she wasn't comfortable. A normal visit would be fine but spending several days there wasn't. She didn't belong there. She hadn't missed the amused looks when she insisted on washing the dishes instead of using the dishwasher. She hadn't missed the hint when she was told that they had a housekeeper while she was straightening the magazines on the coffee table and fixing the cushions on the sofa. The message, to her, was clear; sit in the corner, touch nothing, do nothing.

Johanna sighed; she may have been an attorney and she might've worked 8-4 five days a week once she had Katie, longer if she was unavoidably detained, but she still had also considered herself to be a housewife. She got up every morning and cooked breakfast, searched for keys and misplaced notebooks, ties and permission slips. She got herself, her husband and child organized every day and out the door to work and school. She came home and cooked dinner, oversaw homework, cleaned her house and spent time with her husband. She did laundry, washed dishes and did the scrubbing, grocery shopping, and picked up the dry cleaning. She did the school shopping, the holiday shopping. She tended to her roses while Jim tended to the rest of the yard work. She'd done all the duties required of a wife and mother. Even in Wyoming when she'd only had herself to look after, she had still cooked and cleaned. It was part of her nature. It was a good way to keep busy and stay distracted. She couldn't do that at Castle's.

At Kate's she had freedom of sorts. Her daughter didn't mind her need to cook and clean; she gave her free reign. She had asked of course, with the exception of cooking…but she had asked permission to clean, to do laundry, to make herself useful. Kate had never denied her that, even when things were difficult between them she had allowed her to be busy with the housework. It was different of course, Kate was her child and used to her carrying out those tasks. It didn't bother her to let her move around her home with the same ease she would her own. She didn't expect her host to allow her the same privilege, she wasn't related to these people…and they didn't believe in the things she did. They believed in dishwashers and housekeepers. She believed in doing it yourself.

" _Jo, tell me what's wrong. Who hurt your feelings and made you feel so miserable to be there?"_

" _No one,"_ she answered. _"I just don't like it here. I have more freedom at Katie's to move about as I please. I'm bored here…and they think I'm strange for washing dishes instead of putting them in the dishwasher."_

" _Don't pay any attention to it; some of us are old fashioned."_

She smiled a little. _"I'm an old fashioned housewife…always will be; it's what my mama taught me. I like it that way."_

" _That's good because I've always liked you being my housewife; I'm glad Naomi taught you well. I am sorry though that you feel so uncomfortable. Are you sure you don't want me to come over? I don't mind a little discomfort if it makes you feel better."_

" _I always want you with me…but stay put. I'd worry about you getting here safely. I'll be okay. Katie said the repairs will be done soon and I did get bake this evening…it helped a little."_

" _Are you still cold?"_

" _Yes."_

" _Do you want to talk about it?"_ Jim asked.

Puzzlement flicked across her features as she studied the screen of her phone. _"Talk about being cold?"_

" _No. Do you want to talk about what's happened? The shooting…the way things went with the new leads tonight that you told me about when we talked earlier."_

" _No."_

" _You haven't talked about the shooting incident yet, Jo."_

" _I know."_

" _Maybe you need to…it might make you feel better. It might ease your nerves and then you won't be cold anymore."_

" _I'm not ready yet,"_ she replied; feeling the tears prick her eyes.

Jim debated pushing the topic and then resisted the urge. She had enough stress at the moment; he didn't need to add more. They'd discuss it at another time. But there was something he could do for her. _"Alright, sweetheart; we won't discuss it now. Can you hold on for a minute? I'll be right back."_

" _Okay,"_ Johanna typed back; relieved that he had dropped the topic of the shooting. He didn't need to hear about it again…and she didn't want to relive it.

* * *

Kate was lying awake as well, the days events cycling through her mind continuously any time the conversation between her and Castle faded into silence. The stress was weighing heavily on all of them as she prayed for a new lead to present itself. Her phone buzzed on the nightstand and she snatched it with record speed hoping it was the lead she'd been hoping for.

"Who is it?" Castle asked.

"My Dad," she answered, feeling a mixture of disappointment and worry as she opened his text.

" _Are you awake, Katie?"_ he had written.

Her brow furrowed and she typed back 'yes' and hit send.

"What's going on?" Castle inquired.

"I don't know yet," she replied as she waited on a response; her stomach in knots for several moments until it came in.

" _Do me a favor and take your mother a blanket; she's cold."_

"What?" Kate said aloud as she read the message again before hitting speed dial for his number. "What are you talking about?" she asked when her father answered the phone.

"Just what I said in the message," Jim replied. "Your mother's cold and she needs another blanket."

"How do you know she's cold?"

"Because she told she was," he stated. "She's been texting me."

Kate sighed. "Why didn't she just come downstairs and tell me herself? Better yet, why didn't she just walk across the hall and ask Martha?"

"Because it's late and she doesn't want to bother anyone. Lucky for her I don't mind bothering you…in fact I take a certain amount of joy in it," Jim remarked.

She smirked. "Somehow I sensed that."

"How much longer are you going to be there, Katie?"

"Just a couple more days, the repair work is almost done. Why?"

"Because I think she'll feel better when she's back at your place. She doesn't like imposing on people she isn't related to…and I don't like feeling like I have restricted visitation to my wife."

She blew out a breath. "It's not much longer, you'll both survive. I'll get her what she needs."

"Thank you, and drop your attitude before you deliver it," he replied. "Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight, Dad," she said before ending the call and putting the phone back on the nightstand. She threw back the covers with a sigh and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"What's wrong?" Castle asked.

"My mother's cold and needs another blanket."

He chuckled. "And she needed your dad to ask for it? Was she afraid to come downstairs? Did she think we'd tell her no?"

"She doesn't like to bother anyone," Kate remarked. "My mother is never comfortable being a guest; she feels like a burden."

"She's mentioned the burden thing," he replied. "I was hoping by now though that she'd feel like she was among family."

She glanced at him. "Castle, she asked me for permission to use my washer and dryer when she first moved in with me."

"Seriously?"

"Yes; and by the time she worked up the nerve to ask me, she only had two days worth of clean clothes left. She didn't have a problem taking over my kitchen, but everything else she asked first, the iron, the vacuum, cleaning supplies, clean sheets, extra blanket. I had to give her permission to sleep on the couch when she wants to fall asleep to the TV. She's under the impression that she has to be my maid and cook to earn her keep. I let her do it because it's what she needs…and I suppose a part of me remembers being used to her functioning in that way so it doesn't bother me."

He gave a nod. "You remember where the extra blankets are upstairs, don't you?"

"I remember, I'll be back."

"I'll be here," he quipped. "And please tell her that if she needs anything else to just ask. There's no reason to torment herself."

"I'll tell her," she replied; "But she won't ask."

* * *

Johanna was beginning to wonder if Jim had fallen asleep when her phone finally buzzed. _"I'm back,"_ he had written.

" _I'm glad,"_ she wrote back. " _I missed you_."

" _I must be a better_ _conversationalist than I thought if you missed me that fast."_

She tapped out her response before she could stop herself. _"I always miss you when you aren't near. I miss you when you've only taken one step toward the door. I miss you even more when you reach it…and when you're gone; my heart just isn't the same. It just aches until you come back."_

Jim read the response twice, his own heart aching with the love and tenderness of her words. He wished she was there next to him in their bed…wished she was close enough to touch and kiss. His thoughts ended up on the screen before he could even realize that he had typed them.

" _I feel the same way, you know? Leaving you behind always rips a hole in me. I miss you all the time…I miss you now. I wish I could kiss you right now."_

Her heart fluttered. _"I wish you could too…I wish I could touch you."_

" _Me too. I wish I could keep you warm."_

" _I wish we could just get into our bed and stay there for awhile; curled up together like we used to do,"_ she wrote, a sad smile touching her lips.

" _We will one day soon, sweetheart. I wish we were whispering in the dark like always though,"_ he replied.

" _Me too…sometimes it led to other things."_

" _I know, that's why I like it so much,"_ he answered.

She stifled her giggles. " _Any excuse will do, wont it?"_

" _When it comes to you, of course. I haven't heard any complaints."_

" _And you never will."_

" _That's mutual, just so you know."_

" _It better be,"_ she teased. _"I'd hate to think the amount of effort I've given through the years hasn't been appreciated."_

" _Trust me, you can't even fathom the level of appreciation. But when you come home, I'll do my best to show you."_

" _Is that going to take a night…or longer?"_

" _Which do you prefer?"_

" _You know I've never been one to rush such important matters, Honey."_

Jim smiled. _"In that case, it's going to take several nights."_

" _That's what I was hoping."_

" _You should've known,"_ he teased.

Johanna smiled sadly at the screen. _"I guess this will suffice for now…it's too bad we didn't have text messaging in the 70s."_

He chuckled quietly as he read her response. " _It probably would've just gotten us into trouble. We were known to drink back then…can you imagine what those texts would've been like?"_

She muffled her laughter. _"I imagine there would've been a mix of drunken love confessions…and in times of turmoil, a message from me saying 'why don't you want me, you jackass?"_

Jim laughed out loud. _"I don't have any problem imagining that. It's probably good that we didn't have computers and Facebook too…you would've been changing your status to 'it's complicated' every few weeks there for awhile."_

" _I can just imagine what yours would've said."_

" _If you think mine would've been bad, just imagine what Jeff's profile would've said."_

Johanna giggled softly. _"Worse yet, imagine Melanie's."_

" _Probably a photo collage of her victims,"_ he wrote back.

A knock at the door pulled her away from the little world they had created via text message. She ignored it for a moment, hoping it would go away so she could give her attention back to her husband but the knock sounded again and the door knob turned. She frowned, knowing it was Kate, she'd be the only one to walk in. _"Hold on, Katie's coming through the door,"_ she texted to Jim.

The phone buzzed in response as her daughter crossed the room to her side. "Why didn't you answer my knock?" Kate asked.

Johanna glanced at her phone and then back to her daughter. "I was hoping you'd go back to bed if you thought I was asleep."

"Well I wouldn't have come up and bugged you but Dad called and said you needed a blanket," she replied as she unfolded the soft cream colored blanket she had in her hands and spread it over the bed.

"Your father woke you up for that?" she asked; feeling that sensation of being a burden creeping up on her.

"He didn't wake me," Kate replied. "And the real question here is why you didn't just walk downstairs and tell me you needed another blanket."

"It wasn't worth bothering anyone over," Johanna said, bristling slightly at her daughter's tone. "And your father shouldn't have either."

"Do you really think he'd be able to sleep knowing that you were laying here being cold? He said you might have a problem bothering people but he doesn't."

"I wouldn't have told him if I had known he was going to tattle."

"Listen," she said as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "You don't have to be afraid to ask for something here, okay?"

"Yeah," Johanna replied in appeasement.

Her daughter eyed her. "I know you're humoring me with that answer but Castle wants you to feel like you're among family here. He's already told you a hundred times to make yourself comfortable. Just like you can downstairs and watch TV if you want; it's fine if you fall asleep on the couch."

"I'm fine," she stated. "Although I do have another message to send to my husband."

"Don't go getting mad at Dad just because you can't walk downstairs and tell me you need something. If you didn't want to come down for some reason, you could've sent me a text…or swallowed your feelings of being a burden and walked across the hallway and asked Martha."

Johanna shifted in her spot, laying her phone down next to her. "Are you done lecturing me now?"

"I'm not lecturing you."

"You are," Johanna insisted; "But since you're here anyway, I've been thinking…and even though I know what you're going to say, I'm going to say it anyway."

Trepidation slid down Kate's spine. "What?"

"I'm going to help pay for the repairs to your apartment. I'd pay all of it but I know you won't allow that so I'm going to pay half."

"No, you won't," she said firmly.

"Yes, I will," her mother said with equal firmness. "I know you won't consent to all of it so I made my peace with paying half and that's my final offer."

Kate eyed her. "You know, you throw your money around a lot."

"I do not."

"Yeah, you do. You're always saying you'll pay for this or that and you spent a nice little sum when I took you shopping."

"What's your point, Katie?" Johanna asked; feeling as though she was suddenly being accused of something. "Is it wrong to want to pay my way by offering to help pay the rent and utilities and to buy some groceries?"

"You have bought groceries," Kate retorted. "My point is, you've been a professor the last thirteen years, not an heiress; so how do you have all of this money you claim to have?"

"I already told you," she said sharply. "I paid my bills and didn't splurge. I didn't have anyone to buy things for. I didn't have holidays to shop for and as I explained before, professors get paid more than public school teachers. I bought what I needed and the rest went into the bank. It adds up over the years and collects interest but it's not like I'm claiming to have millions."

"Just how much are we talking about then?" her daughter asked.

Johanna's brow rose. "Is that really any of your business? I don't ask how much money you have in the bank. I don't ask if you've squandered your trust funds left to you by your grandparents or what you do with your paycheck. Who do you think you are coming in here and questioning me like I'm some damn suspect just because I have money in the bank?"

"You said before that I could ask you anything."

"And you can…if it's not going to sound like some accusation of wrong doing. What do you think I've been doing, Katie? Running a crime syndicate?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I asked."

Johanna looked away for a moment; struggling to push back the sting to her feelings. "I thought we were better than this, Katie," she said quietly.

"We are."

"Then why?"

She shrugged. "I guess it bugs me. I don't understand why you were hording money."

Johanna was quiet for a long moment. "Do you want to know why?"

"Only if you want to tell me."

"I was saving it in case…"

"In case of what?"

"In case something happened to me before I could make it home," she whispered.

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I was saving it for your children, Katie. I always intended for you to know the truth, even if I couldn't tell you in person. I wanted my grandchildren to have something from me. It wouldn't make up for anything…but at least they'd know I thought of them even before they were born and that I loved them."

Her head bowed; now she felt bad. "I'm sorry," Kate whispered.

"For what?"

"For prying…it wasn't any of my business; and while I'm glad it never came to it, I appreciate knowing that you intended for me to know the truth no matter what."

"I'm sorry for snapping at you," Johanna said softly. "I'm just…"

"I know; it's okay. It's been a rough few days…we're both tense and I know you're not comfortable here."

She sighed. "Did your father tell you that too? I didn't know he was such a tattler."

"No he didn't tell me…but you just did…and confirmed that you've said as much to Dad."

"Damn."

"It's alright; we'll just keep it among us."

"It's not that I have a problem with anyone here," Johanna said quietly. "I don't."

"I know."

"I just don't think they know what to make of me and I feel like I'm intruding on their lives."

"What makes you think that? You and Martha seem to get along well."

"I know; it's just little things. I never minded coming over for a visit; that's always a nice reprieve when I've been cooped up for awhile. I know we spent the night that one time…"

"But Martha kept your wine glass full and you were a little tipsy and didn't think much about being a guest."

"Yeah; and this has been a longer stay and I can't help but feel out of place."

Kate was quiet for a long moment. "Does it have anything to do with the talk you and Castle had?"

"What talk?"

"I know that the two of you had a conversation after I left the night I found out about his secret about this mysterious Mr. Smith. He hasn't said much about it but he's given the impression that it didn't go well and that you aren't exactly fond of him now."

Johanna shook her head. "I never said that. I took some of it with a grain of salt because he was angry with you…the rest were his opinions and he's entitled to them. I'm not angry with him. I haven't changed my opinion about the kind of person he is."

"But has this little chat made you feel uncomfortable with him?"

It had a little but she'd never say as much. "No; I'm fine. I just…I'm more comfortable at your apartment. You're my daughter, you know me, we're used to each other and we co-exist peacefully for the most part. If I can't be in my own home then I want to be in yours, where I feel like I'm free to do as I please."

Kate nodded. "You're bored here."

"Yes," she replied, allowing the word to hang in the air although there was clearly another sentiment that went along with it.

"What else?"

"I miss my husband," Johanna murmured; her eyes filling with tears as she curled her hand around the phone, hanging on to him in the only way she could at the moment.

"He's here every day," Kate said gently.

"It's not the same," she whispered, a tear breaking free and spilling down her cheek. "He doesn't stay as long here…and it's been made clear that he's not welcome to spend the night with me."

"I just feel that it's safe for him to be at home."

"If it isn't safe here, then why are we here? There's more than just Rick to consider. There's a teenage girl who doesn't need to be an innocent bystander. Her grandmother doesn't need to be one either."

"It's not that I feel like we aren't safe here; it's just a precaution."

"That might be part of it but it isn't all of it."

Kate tensed. "And I suppose you're going to enlighten me about other reasons."

"I know the other reason," Johanna remarked. "You don't want him here because it's your boyfriend's home."

'That makes me sound very…" she trailed off as she searched for the right word.

"Human," Johanna supplied; "But in light of recent circumstances you could try to make an exception. I know it's awkward for you but it would be awkward for us too. It's not like we're immune to it."

She sighed. "Look, I know the two of you are getting tired of this but we're only going to be here for a couple more days…as for the rest of the time, I'm doing my best to resolve that issue so you can go home and be happy but the time it takes is out of my control."

"I never said otherwise," her mother replied.

"Well you both act like it at times."

"I'm sorry," Johanna told her. "I never meant to and it won't happen again. I don't have any right to complain, I guess I just get lonely. I'm sorry. I'll talk to your father and make sure he chooses his words more wisely."

"You don't have to do that," Kate said; exhaling a frustrated breath.

"You should go back to bed," her mother said. "Thank you for the blanket…if I had known that your father was going to bother you about it I wouldn't have mentioned it."

"It's fine; do you need anything else?"

"No. Goodnight."

Kate rose from the edge of the bed. "I'd say the same to you but I know you aren't going to sleep. I have a feeling you and Dad are going to be texting all night long."

She gave her a small smile. "We've always enjoyed nights where we talked all night long."

"I guess if that's what you two want to do," Kate replied as she reached the door. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight," Johanna whispered; thinking that an all night long conversation wasn't exactly what they wanted, but it would suffice until they could be together whispering in the dark.

She waited until Kate's footsteps faded away and then she picked up her phone and wrote a new message. _"Are you still there?"_

" _I'm here,"_ Jim replied.

" _You're a snitch."_

Jim smiled as he read the text. _"I don't know what you're talking about."_

" _You called Katie."_

" _In this case I'd say Katie's the snitch."_

" _Was she supposed to pretend to be psychic about my need for a blanket?"_

" _If she loved her father she would. I couldn't let you be cold, Jo…do you feel better now?"_

" _I'm fine,"_ she replied. " _But we can't mention any discomfort about being here anymore."_

" _I only asked how much longer it would be."_

" _Well between that and the conversation I just had with her, I'd suggest that we keep those things to ourselves. We need to keep things between us once I'm back at her place too."_

" _You make it sound like all we do is complain."_

" _In her mind we do and we're implying that she isn't doing enough. It upsets her and makes her mad. We just have to keep our frustrations between us during our private conversations."_

Jim blew out a breath as he typed back a response. _"Sometimes I feel like I can't say anything to her."_

" _That's my fault; I upset your relationship with her."_

" _No, you didn't. I've felt like this since she was a teenager; what's your excuse for that?"_

" _Hormones."_

" _I'm sure she still has those."_

" _Most definitely…but still, we have to keep our mouths shut around her."_

He sighed in the darkness of their room. _"There seems to be an awful lot of restrictions on what we can do and say. Even more when you're under a different roof of her choosing. It gets frustrating."_

A pang skittered across her heart. She understood the feeling…and she knew she was the cause of it. _"I'm sorry,"_ she wrote back.

" _For what?"_

" _Everything."_

" _Let's not go through that again, Johanna."_

The night seemed to be taking a turn and it wasn't going to be a good one, she thought to herself. _"We better try to get some sleep,"_ she wrote. _"I love you."_

" _Don't shut me out, Jo."_

" _I'm not; I'm just going to bed."_

No she wasn't, he thought to himself. She was just ending the conversation because she felt like it was going sour now that Kate had become involved. He shouldn't have called his daughter, now he had ruined the moment they had managed to create. After all of these years, he still knew how to blow it. He wasn't sure how to respond but he knew he had to say something.

" _Let's just go back to what we were talking about before Katie came in."_

" _Maybe tomorrow,"_ she replied. _"Get some sleep."_

It wasn't going to work, she was retreating…most likely into her shell and into some dark cloud that would keep her awake, Jim thought to himself. _"I'll be there in the morning. I love you."_

" _I love you too,"_ Johanna replied before putting the phone back on the nightstand. She clicked on the lamp and picked up her book and glasses but frowned. She wasn't in the right frame of mind for a mystery. She got of bed and went to her bag, fishing out her favorite historical romance novel. Perhaps Regency era London would be better for a troubled mind. If not, she'd do what she'd been doing every night…she'd stare at the ceiling or the window and wonder how she'd ever get back on track.

* * *

"Is everything alright?" Castle asked when Kate finally returned to the bedroom.

"Yeah; I stopped in the kitchen to get a drink," she answered as she got back into bed.

He studied her for a moment. "Are you sure? You seem like maybe the blanket delivery didn't go well."

"It was fine…but we had to have the money talk again. She wants to pay for half of the repairs."

"Did you tell her that I already took care of it?"

"No, and for the love of all that's holy, don't tell her. If you do, it'll just become a battle for all of us and we've got enough problems."

"I won't say a word," he promised. "I've gotten myself into enough trouble with her."

"It's not you, Castle; her issues are with herself. She's not mad at you. She's probably a little miffed at me though since I kind of asked her where all this money is coming from that she always likes to wave at me."

Castle shifted in his spot. "I assume it comes from her job. She teaches law; law professors make a good salary."

"In Wyoming?"

"Wyoming has just as much need for lawyers as anywhere else; with that need comes the need for educators. I'm sure they're paid the average there or they wouldn't be able to get anyone."

"Unless that person is being hid by the government and their employment secured for them," she replied.

"Kate; I really don't think your mother's bank account is full of ill gotten loot."

"I know," she sighed. "I'm sure things probably cost less there than here too. I don't know why it bugs me. She said she didn't have anything to spend her money on once she paid her bills and bought what she needed."

"Sounds logical to me…although I can understand her bristling at the topic. You do go into cop mode on her easily."

"I know, you've told me…I try to curb that. Sometimes I fail…like tonight," she answered.

Castle wrapped an arm around her. "You'll do better tomorrow. You should try to sleep."

Kate reached for her phone. "There's something I have to do first."

"What's that?"

"The right thing," she answered as she began composing a text message.

* * *

Awhile later, Johanna was somewhat absorbed in her book which was a relief to her overwhelmed mind. When the door of the guest room suddenly opened, it startled her and made her bolt upright, her eyes widening at the sight of the person who was now in her room. "Jim, what the hell are you doing here? You nearly gave me a heart attack," she said in a quiet voice, being mindful that Alexis's room was next to hers.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you," he said, matching her quiet tone as he moved to the chair, dropping a small overnight bag beside it as he sat down to take off his shoes.

"How did you get in?" she asked.

He smiled as he opened his bag and took out what he needed to get ready for bed. "Through the door, sweetheart."

"Smart ass."

"You asked," he quipped as he moved into the bathroom.

She waited quietly for him to return and when he did, he rounded the bed to where she was, laying his phone on the nightstand before he nudged her. "Move over; you're in my spot," he told her.

Johanna scooted over into her usual side of the bed. "You still haven't told me what you're doing here…and who let you in…and how mad she is about it."

Jim glanced at her as he settled in next to her. "I'm here because I love you. Katie let me in. She's not mad, she's the one who texted me and told me to come."

"Why?"

"I don't know; I figured maybe it had to do with whatever it was that the two of you discussed when she brought you a blanket. All the message said was that I should come over and be with you tonight. I asked her if she was sure she'd be alright with that and she replied saying she wouldn't have said so if she wasn't. I figured it was best not to argue so I grabbed some things and got over here before she could change her mind."

She smiled. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me too," he told her as he reached for the book she was holding. "What are you reading tonight?"

"A romance novel."

"So you were getting ready for me by studying on the topic," he quipped.

Johanna smirked at him and took her book back to mark her page. "I don't think I need to study."

Jim wrapped an arm around her. "You better turn out the light and let me give you a test just to make sure."

"Don't go getting excited," she replied as she took off her glasses and laid them on the nightstand with her book before turning off the lamp. "There won't be much romance here…all you're going to get is a kiss."

"You say that like your kisses aren't satisfying; and I assure you that they are."

"That's good to know," she whispered before he captured her lips in a tender kiss.

He kissed her several more times, stopping when he feared he might be driving them toward wanting something more. Johanna curled up against his side, her head on his chest. "This is so much better than an extra blanket," she murmured.

Jim threaded his fingers through her hair. "It's better than text messages too."

"I agree…and I hope one day soon, there's way more of this and less of 'making do'."

"There will be, sweetheart," he promised. "You sleep now, I'm here."

She closed her eyes, the sound of his heartbeat close to her ear. She had an easier time believing when he believed with her.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Promise

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews! This is another outtake from the chapter 35/36 arc._

Deleted Scene – The Promise – from Ch 35/36

Johanna crossed the loft at the sound of a knock at the door, calling out "Who is it?" as a precaution even though Kate had sent her a text telling her that Ryan and Esposito would be stopping by to check in on her.

"Your favorite adopted children," Esposito replied.

"In that case I guess you can come in," Johanna said as she unlocked the door and opened it.

"Has everything been alright?" Esposito asked as he and Ryan stepped inside.

"Yes, everything's fine."

"Where's Mr. Beckett?" Ryan asked as his gaze scanned the loft.

She smiled. "You can just call him Jim; he's never been one to stand on ceremony."

Ryan smiled and nodded. "Beckett said he was here with you."

"He was and he'll be back. He went out to get us some lunch."

"Doesn't Castle have anything good in the fridge?" Esposito asked as he walked through the kitchen.

"I don't know; I don't go through other people's refrigerators."

He grinned. "Rumor has it that you went through Beckett's and almost had a stroke," he said as he grabbed a soda from the fridge.

"That's true but it's also different. Katie's my daughter; being her mother, I feel obligated to make sure she has food. I'm surprised she told you about that."

"She didn't," Ryan replied as he too grabbed a soda. "Castle told us. Now the real question is, are you telling us that there's no treats for us?"

Johanna gave them a smile. "Sorry, boys; there probably won't be any treats until I'm back at Katie's. I don't like to help myself at someone else's house unless they're a relative who has given me permission."

"We give you permission," Esposito told her. "Castle can afford to buy more groceries."

"That may be but I'll hold off. I'm glad the two of you are here though…I've been wanting to talk to you."

The boys shared a worried look. "What's wrong?" Ryan asked. "Did something happen?"

"No…let's sit down."

They followed her to the table and sat down. Johanna toyed with her rings as she tried to figure out how best to broach the subject.

"What is it?" Ryan gently prodded.

She tore her gaze from rings and looked into the concerned faces of the two detectives sitting across from her. "Things seem to be escalating in regard to this case," she stated.

"Things are a little amped up right now, Esposito agreed. "But don't worry; we're going to get to the bottom of it."

Johanna gave them a small smile. "I'm sure you will but I think it's going to get worse before it gets better. I'm not foolish enough to believe that they intended for Katie and I to walk out of her apartment that night they sent bullets flying through the windows. I survived because I knocked the remote on the floor and leaned down to pick it up at the right moment. Katie survived because there was the space of a heartbeat between the first shot and the second, giving her just enough time to react, thank God."

"You're afraid that's going to happen again," Ryan remarked.

"I'm afraid of a lot of things," she admitted. "Most of all I'm afraid that Katie will get hurt again."

"Nothing's going to happen to Beckett," Esposito replied.

"I want to make sure of it," Johanna stated. "And that's why I need the two of you to promise me something."

"What?" Ryan asked.

She eyed them both. "I want you both to promise me that if it ever comes down to it, that you'll save Katie over me. She comes first. You have to save her. I don't matter…she does. I can't let her die for me…I'd never be able to live with that. I'd never be able to face Jim again. Katie has to make it through this, you have to save her."

The detectives were silent for a long minute, digesting what she was asking of them. "Nothing like that is going to happen," Ryan finally said.

"It could," she replied.

Esposito shook his head. "Not on our watch."

"Some things are out of your control," she reminded them. "You need to save her first; she comes before me."

"Our job description says 'protect and serve'," Ryan said. "We're supposed to protect the civilian…which would be you."

"I don't care about the regulations of your job. I care about my daughter. If the chips are down, I know you two can save her. I don't want anyone worrying about me, you take care of her."

"Beckett can take care of herself," Esposito stated. "She has the same training we do and she's very good with a gun. We always have her back…but she rarely needs us to save her. She's going to be fine, so will you."

"Promise me," Johanna pleaded. "Promise me that Katie comes first."

"We're always going to have her back," Ryan replied. "But if it comes down to it, we're going to save you both."

"That's right," his partner agreed. "There are two of us; we can take care of both of you."

"Please…promise me. I can't take that chance…please."

Ryan and Esposito glanced at each other, both of them trying to figure out a way to get out of making such a promise. In their minds it would be a failure not to save both of them…and they knew Beckett would never forgive them for it if something happened to her mother that they could've prevented.

"I don't like to put the two of you in this position," Johanna said as silence continued to reign. "But you're the only ones I can ask…the only ones I can count on for this. I just need you to promise me this…it would ease my mind to know that Katie's taken care of."

Esposito gave one last glance at his partner, hoping he'd come up with a solution, but Ryan looked just as hopeless as he felt. He was about to try to reason with her again but as he looked at her tearful green eyes, he couldn't do it. Slowly he gave a nod.

Johanna kept her eyes on him. "Say it."

"I promise," he said quietly.

Her gaze slid to Ryan and his gaze dipped to the surface of the table. "I promise," he murmured.

"Thank you," Johanna said sincerely. "I know it wasn't easy for you both to give me your word, but I appreciate it. I'll feel a little better now…but please don't mention it to Katie or Jim."

"Believe me, we won't," Ryan replied as he shifted in his seat.

She gave them a small smile. "I'll be sure to bake you both something as soon as I can."

"It better be really good," Esposito remarked. "These kinds of deals have to be treated properly."

Her smile widened. "I'll do my best."

"When will Jim be back?" Ryan asked; desperate to get out of there before she asked them to make anymore promises.

"Any minute now," she answered.

"We'll stay with you until he gets here," Esposito told her.

"Okay…but could you both wipe those looks off your faces if you're going to do that? He'll think something's wrong."

They both did their best to paste smiles on their faces as they prayed that Jim would hurry back.

"Don't over do it, he's not stupid," Johanna remarked as she looked at their now smiling faces.

Esposito shook his head and gave a laugh. "You're a tough woman to please, Mama B."

"Not really," she replied; "It just seems that way."

They were spared from commenting as a knock sounded at the door. Ryan lept at the chance to answer it and he hurried toward it, letting Jim in. After greeting him, the boys said goodbye and made their excuses to flee. They were silent as they boarded the elevator but after a moment, Ryan broke the silence. "We just lied to her," he said quietly.

His partner nodded. "Yeah, we did…because there's no way in hell I'm letting that woman die."

"Me neither…I'll save her, you take Beckett," Ryan stated.

Esposito looked at him. "I'll save her, you take Beckett."

"No; I said I'd do it."

"You've already done your duty with Mama B when Beckett was in the hospital…remember, she threatened to beat the hell out of you."

He nodded. "Yes, I remember, that's why I should be the one to save her…we bonded."

"Oh and you don't think she's bonded with me?" Esposito asked.

"Not like she has with me…she hasn't threatened you."

"Hey, we've bonded!" he argued. "I threatened to run her out of town myself if she wasn't who she said she was when she first came back and she didn't even get mad at me."

"That's because she had nothing to worry about. I had to chase her down and drive her to the hospital and take the threats…she's way more bonded to me than you."

"I drove her to her hotel that first day…I drove her to the DNA test," Esposito remarked.

"So, I was there when the results were read. We both helped her move into Beckett's…and I always ask about her before you do."

"You do not!"

"Do too…she always serves me first too. She likes me best," Ryan stated. "I'll save her."

"She does not like you best."

"I think she does," he said as the elevator doors slid open. "Should we flip a coin to see who gets to save her?"

"No; I've got a better idea," Esposito replied. "When hell breaks lose, whoever you're standing closest to, that's who you save…as long as they both get saved, we're good."

Ryan nodded. "Okay."

"But we're going to do our best to make sure it never comes to that."

"If it does," Ryan said; "Who's going to save Castle?"

"He's going to have to duck," Esposito replied. "The women come first. Johanna wouldn't be able to live with it if something happens to Kate…and Kate wouldn't be able to live with it if something happened to Johanna and she'd hate us for it. And I know I can't live with something happening to either one of them."

"Neither can I."

"Then let's make sure it doesn't happen," the other man stated. "Let's find the slimeball and nail his ass to the wall."

"I'm all for that," Ryan agreed as he headed for the door. He didn't want to have to think about that promise for longer than necessary…and he knew Esposito felt the same way.


	5. Chapter 5- Let It Be

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

 _This one falls into the category of alternate scene and deleted scene. It was the original version of the scene between Jim and Kate from chapter 18 when he came over to her apartment to talk to Johanna for the first time in days after they had their fight where he said among other hurtful things that he regretted marrying her. I redid Kate and Jim's part in the final version of the chapter, I cut it way down, probably due to word count. So here's the original, enjoy!_

Deleted Scene – Let It Be – from Chapter 18

As Kate moved toward the door to answer Jim's knock, she decided at the last minute to take pity on her mother and find out what the conversation would involve before she left her to deal with it on her own. She unlocked the door and opened it, but instead of letting her father in, she stepped into the hallway with him and closed the door.

"What are you doing?" Jim asked her.

"I want to talk to you first before I let you in," she answered.

Confusion flicked across his features. "Why?"

"Because I think I should stay if this visit has the potential to be as ugly as the last one."

"What is it that you think I'm going to do to her?"

Kate shrugged. "You tell me."

"Katie," he sighed.

"Look," she said firmly; "I've spent the last few days picking up the pieces from the last conversation you had with her. I finally got her cheered up a little and acting more like herself."

"And?" Jim replied.

"And I don't want you ruining it," she answered. "So if you're here to end things with her then tell me now…because I'll have to go in there and sit with her while you do it."

Her father gave her an assessing look. "What are you talking about?"

Kate swallowed hard. It was difficult to have this conversation…hard to imagine that there was a possibility that her parents marriage might be over just as their miracle second chance had begun.

"Katie, what are you talking about?" he asked again.

She felt like he was playing stupid and it made anger flicker in her blood. "Gee, Dad, I don't know what I'm talking about; oh wait, maybe it has something to do with certain statements you made about regretting marrying her. Do you remember that? I know we discussed it."

"I remember what I said…but I never said I wanted to end things with her."

"You can't say things like that and expect her not to think that you want out."

"Is that what she thinks?" he asked.

"Of course that's what she thinks," Kate retorted. "Wouldn't you if you were her? She's pretty much convinced herself that you're here to end it…so if that's what you have planned, then I need to know now."

"Let me in, Katie," he said as he stepped toward the door.

She stepped in front of him. "You haven't answered my question."

"You said you'd leave," Jim reminded her. "I'm holding you to that."

"She wants me to stay if it's going to be bad…she can't face it alone."

"You'll both have to trust me," Jim said as he held tightly to the stem of a rose that had apparently escaped his daughter's notice. "Let me in and go."

Kate could tell by the firm set of his jaw that further argument would be useless and only earn herself his ire…not that she really cared if he got mad at her for her nosiness…but she had enough problems. "Fine," she said. "But let me say this, if I come back here and she's a mess again, you and I are going to have problems."

Jim smiled at her. "Are you threatening me?"

"Yes."

He laughed and pulled her into a hug that he was surprised she returned. "You're cute, Katie."

Kate rolled her eyes. "I am not," she said as she pulled away.

"Yes, you are; you'll always be cute to me. You're my little girl…even when you're mad at me…or protecting your mother's heart."

She smiled slightly and noticed the rose in his hand. "Really, Dad; you bring her one lousy rose? You couldn't spring for the whole dozen? It's not like you can't afford it."

"Well maybe if you had paid attention more when you were a kid, you'd know that I always bring her a rose when she's mad at me."

"Yeah but now isn't the time to be cheap, Dad. This is way more than a one rose screw up…you should have a dozen…and probably jewelry."

He smirked at her. "Are you really the person that should be giving me relationship advice?"

"Seems like someone ought to," Kate replied. "You're not doing too well lately."

"And you are?" he asked.

She smiled. "I'm doing better than you."

"Open the door, Katie."

"Remember what I said," she told him as she opened the door to let them both into the apartment.

"I'll remember," Jim replied. "Now go on…you promised me. We'll be fine."

She nodded. "I'll get my purse and then I'll go…but if she needs me…."

"You're willing to be needed by her?" Jim asked quietly as he studied her.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she murmured in response.

"Seems like a shift in attitude," he replied; "Like I mentioned the other day when you stopped in to give me your two cents."

Kate smirked as she eyed him. "Yeah, well, I guess someone had to be here for her since the person she counts on the most ripped her heart out."

He grimaced. "Point taken…but you also don't fool me for a minute."

"Let it be, Dad. It takes care of itself. Just worry about your problems…and how you're going to go in there and fix it."

Jim gave a nod. "Alright…and if you're needed, you'll be notified."

"Good luck," she said sincerely before grabbing her belongings and heading to the door. "She's in the kitchen."

Jim took a breath and waited a moment before turning and heading for the kitchen where his wife was probably waiting for the worst. He prayed he could turn it all around; that his mistake hadn't been fatal to his marriage.


	6. Chapter 6- Big Girls Don't Cry

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

 _I've melded and extended these scenes into a full chapter that fits between chapters 12 and 13; in chapter 12, Kate and Johanna had set up all night waiting for a new note to arrive, as they did that, they went over the case. They made the decision to go through Johanna's papers from her office. When they found nothing in her papers, tempers soared and Johanna's feelings of failure overwhelmed her. In chapter 13, I had jumped a few days but mentioned how Johanna's demeanor had changed, growing quieter and pulling back from Kate and that she had sunk into a bout of depression. These scenes (now chapter) fill in some of that time before chapter 13 starts._

 _Deleted Chapter – Big Girls Don't Cry – between chs 12-13_

" _It's personal, myself and I,_ _we've got some straightenin' out to do" – Fergie_

Kate felt uneasy as she sat across from her mother at the kitchen table that evening. The scrape of forks against their plates was the only sound between them. She found herself wishing that her father had stayed but she understood that he had promised to meet with a friend to discuss a case. He needed to keep up appearances…but she wished he was there. It was too quiet without him there to force conversation. Her mother had been oddly quiet for two days now, still convinced that she had let her down when their search of her papers had turned up nothing useful. She had to take some of the blame for her mother feeling that way though, after all, she hadn't don't anything to convince her otherwise. She should probably be happy that her mother seemed to have slammed on the brakes in her mission to reconcile. It was what she had wanted…wasn't it?

She didn't want to dwell on that and besides, her mother would probably pick up the torch again…after all, she could sense her stealing glances at her, clearly there was something on Johanna Beckett's mind that she was desperate to unleash. The real question was, did she want to hear it? Her own thoughts and feelings were still in turmoil and she wasn't sure just how much wiggle room she wanted to give her mother.

Johanna sighed softly and shifted in her seat, her unease felt by both of them. There was a topic she needed to broach, and while it wasn't anything major, she still worried about bothering her daughter with it.

"Spit it out," Kate stated, her voice shattering the silence between them.

"What?" Johanna asked in confusion.

"Whatever it is that's on your mind, just spit it out and get it over with."

Johanna shifted uncomfortably in her seat once again. "I need to do laundry," she confessed; knowing how stupid and trivial it sounded.

Kate glanced at her. "And you've forgotten how?"

"No," she replied; ignoring the small amount of snark that came with the answer.

"Then what?"

"I can't go to the laundry mat. I would if I could but I know that isn't an option," Johanna said, trailing off as her gaze flicked to the small laundry room off of Kate's kitchen that housed her apartment sized stackable washer and dryer. "So I was wondering if I could use your washer."

"That's it?" Kate asked.

"Yes…would it be okay if I used it? I really need to do laundry."

Her daughter nodded. "That's what it's there for…you could've just went ahead and done it."

"I didn't want to overstep."

Kate eyed her but her mother's gaze was focused on her plate. "Do you really think I'd have a problem with you wanting clean clothes?"

"I just felt better asking first…this is your home, your belongings," Johanna stated quietly.

"And yet you had no problem walking into my kitchen and taking over," she replied.

Johanna's fork slipped from her grasp at the comment; her daughter was right, she had taken over her kitchen without any qualms and that hadn't been right either. "You're right, Katie; I'm sorry," she murmured. "I should've asked first if you minded me cooking."

"I don't mind," she said with an air of frustration. "I was just making a point. You can cook and you can wash your clothes, okay?"

Her mother nodded and fell silent; retreating back into her shell. The sight of it unnerved Kate a little more. It wasn't like her mother to give up so easily and yet it appeared that she was…at least in regard to her…and she still wasn't sure what to think of that…or how to feel about it and she still didn't want to dwell on it. For some reason she couldn't fathom, she felt compelled to push the conversation forward. "Just out of curiosity, how many days of clean clothes are you down to?"

"About two."

"I take it that's why you're wearing a skirt today?"

Johanna gave a nod as she picked up her glass and took a drink.

"You brought several bags with you," Kate commented. "You've gone through all of that?"

"I've been in New York for a few weeks now."

"You didn't do laundry while you were at the hotel?"

"No; I put it off."

"Why? That's not like you."

Johanna bit her lip, debating whether to answer or not. "I was afraid your father would stop by to see me and I wouldn't be there…I didn't want him to think that I…," she trailed off; not wanting to say the words 'I didn't want him to think I had left him again'.

Kate's jaw tightened. "I see."

The last bite of dinner that Johanna had taken turned to sawdust in her mouth and she had to force herself to swallow it as she saw the tension settle over Kate's features.

"You have a phone," her daughter said in a somewhat clipped tone. "You could've called him and had him meet you where you were. Why didn't you do that?"

She sighed and swallowed a sharp retort; lashing out would only make things worse and she was in no mood for a fight.

"Well?" Kate asked; "Why didn't you do that?"

"I just wanted to be at the hotel. I wanted to be easily found if he came around…or you," Johanna replied, not bothering to mention that she had planned on asking Jim to go with her to the laundry mat but then those notes had started showing up and she'd been moved to Kate's. Thoughts of laundry had fallen by the wayside.

"You could've done your laundry; I wasn't coming to visit," Kate replied without thought.

"I know."

"What would you have done if I had said no about using my washer and dryer?" her daughter asked out of curiosity.

"I guess I'd start washing things by hand in the sink," Johanna answered. "My hair dryer is on its last leg but I'm sure it would've dried a few things before quitting."

"That's not much of a backup plan."

Johanna said nothing in response as she rose from the table and began to clean up. Kate watched her as she busied herself. "Is there anything else you need that you might've forgotten to mention?"

"Laundry detergent."

"You mean you didn't bring your own?" she said sarcastically.

"No…I was hoping I could get you or your father to buy me a bottle tomorrow."

"You used to know sarcasm when you heard it."

She had heard it; she just hadn't felt up to acknowledging it…in fact she found herself feeling somewhat numb in regard to her daughter's remarks. "I'll ask Jim to get me what I need; you're busy with work."

"I have detergent," Kate said with exasperation. "Use it and do what you need to do."

"Thank you," Johanna replied sincerely as she turned to the sink and filled it in preparation of washing the dishes.

Kate studied her as she kept her back to her. Her mother wasn't fighting back…she wasn't crying…she wasn't begging for forgiveness or forcing the conversation to continue; in fact, she had been the one prolonging the conversation. It felt odd…this wasn't standard behavior from her mother. She shook her head; she didn't know what to make of her mood and she didn't want to dwell on it all night; she'd rather dwell on work and the open case she had to get back to in the morning. She figured her mother would sort herself out eventually, if not, her father would probably sort her out and put her back to rights. She wasn't going to worry too much…yet.

* * *

Johanna jerked awake, bolting upright in bed as a soft cry spilled from her lips. Her breathing was ragged, her skin coated in a cold sweat. She shivered violently, choking sobs in her throat that she held at bay in fear of waking her daughter. Images of the odd twisted dream she had been having kept flicking through her mind…images of her in that alley where she was supposed to meet someone with information about the case…where she was supposed to meet her end…of it happening…her heart pounded, her stomach clenching. She'd had that dream before and it never got any less terrifying…and this time was worse, as it shifted from the sight of her bleeding to death alone and turned into a different a scene. She was with Jim and Katie and they were both telling her how much they despised her, how they never wanted to see her again. They were insisting that she go back to Wyoming and leave them in peace, that there was nothing left for her in New York; their love for her was gone. She could still hear Kate ordering her to leave her home…she could still see her husband laughing at her, telling her that she must be insane if she really thought he'd ever take her back.

Those parts of her dreams were bad enough but then it had shifted for a third time and she found herself in that alley once again, only this time she was being held captive by some shadowy figure who was forcing her to watch as her daughter was brought forward. Johanna squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to remember how in her dream she had been forced to watch her daughter be stabbed repeatedly. She wondered how she had kept from screaming out loud as she had been in her dream…screaming, crying, fighting, begging them to kill her instead; but her captor only laughed, told her that her suffering was only just beginning. Her husband had been brought into the alley next…and she had continued to beg, scream and fight. She remembered Jim looking at her daughter on the ground and then to her, telling her to stop her protesting, that it was better for him to meet his end because he'd never be able to forgive her for what she had let happen to Katie…that he'd never be able to stand the sight or thought of her again. She had to watch as they raised the same knife to him…falling to her knees as her world fell away from her, two bloody heaps on the ground. Her begging continued…begging her menace to end her misery…and he had refused; telling her that he wanted her alive so she could live with what she had done every day of her miserable life so she could be an example to those who dared to cross him.

She pulled her legs up against her, clamping her lips tightly together as she cried and rocked herself slowly. "It was just a dream," she kept telling herself. "Just a bad dream." She'd had hundreds of them before…she'd had this one before…only it had been worse than ever this time. The images wouldn't fade from her mind and she tossed off the tangled covers. She had to get away from the room. She grabbed her robe and quickly moved toward the door and then as quietly as possible she crept down the hallway to the bathroom door. She slipped inside, her breathing still erratic, her heart hammering against her ribs, refusing to slow. She went to the sink and turned the water on to wash away the sheen of sweat from her skin but she felt her stomach clench again and she knew this time it would rebel.

Johanna prayed the sound of the running water in the sink would drown out the sound of her emptying her stomach. She didn't want Kate to hear her or see her like this…she didn't want to have to explain. The only comfort she was taking from the whole ordeal was that she hadn't woken up screaming out loud like she always had in Wyoming. When her stomach was empty and the evidence flushed away, she washed her face and brushed her teeth. She grabbed her washcloth and washed away the sweat clinging to her arms and chest. Her thin summer nightgown was soaked and she peeled it off and slipped into her robe, tying the sash tightly. She made sure the bathroom was put back to rights and then picked her nightgown up and headed for the door; she paused as she opened it, listening for any indication that she had woke Kate but she heard nothing. Being cautious of the squeaky floor boards in certain areas of the hallway, she tiptoed back to her room.

A glance at the clock told her that it was 3:35 in the morning as she clicked the light on. There wouldn't be any going back to sleep; sleep could wait for sometime in the daylight when her dreams might not turn so dark. Johanna shivered and dropped her sweaty nightgown onto one of her bags. She moved to the closet where the suitcase holding her few remaining clean clothes sat; she took out a pair of soft grey leggings and pulled them on and then grabbed a silky blue sleeveless pajama top; it wouldn't help her warm up but her options were limited. She put it on and then pulled her robe back on as well. Her gaze flicked to the clock and then back to her suitcases…the small laundry room was far enough from the bedrooms that she didn't think the sound of the washer and dryer would disturb Kate. She wished she had a clothes basket but seeing as how she didn't; she picked up two of her bags and headed for the door. She carried them to the kitchen and then returned to the guest room for the rest. After a few trips, she had all of her clothes and her phone, glasses and book. She dragged the bags to the laundry room and flipped on the light.

Johanna located the laundry detergent and bleach on the shelf on the wall and she found the clothes baskets…all of which were brimming with her daughter's clothes. She frowned; apparently Kate had gotten behind on her laundry as well. She'd have to sort her clothes out on the floor, and with the small size of the washer and dryer she was going to have more loads than she would've liked. She blew out a breath; it didn't matter, once she was caught up she'd keep up on things and it wouldn't be so much next time. She needed the distraction anyway. She went to her bags and began to sort out the clothes, separating them into piles. She had the first load in the washer by four and she moved back into the kitchen and put water on to heat for a cup of tea. Her empty stomach ached, her head carrying a dull ache as well. She didn't want to risk another trip down the hallway so she brushed off the thought of searching for a pain reliever. She quietly searched the cupboard for some crackers to keep her stomach settled and once she had them and her tea was ready, she settled down at the table and slipped her glasses on before opening her book. She prayed it would be enough to drive the images of her dream from her mind…but even if it did, she was still feeling the effects of lingering melancholy that had taken hold of her. A sigh crossed her lips…she wondered if she'd ever feel better again…and right behind that thought was the fear that any part of that dream could come true; that one way or another, Kate and Jim might leave her…the thought of it being in the violent way she had dreamed made her tremble, her stomach dipped, her heart twisting. She shook away the thought and kept telling herself that it wouldn't happen like that…that if anything, they'd leave her the other way…they'd tell her to leave them alone. She didn't want to think about them sending her away…and yet she knew that somewhere inside she had to be prepared for it if it came to that.

* * *

When Kate padded into the kitchen a few hours later, she found Johanna at the stove, lifting an omelet out of the skillet and putting it on a plate. She added a couple strips of bacon and toast and then put the plate on the table before turning back to the fridge to grab the orange juice to fill their glasses. Neither one of them spoke but Kate noticed the remaining piles of clothes on the kitchen floor outside of the laundry room and she heard the sound of the washer and dryer. Glancing around more, she took notice of the suitcases against the wall that were open and holding neatly folded clothes and the small stack of folded jeans on one of the kitchen chairs.

"What's with the luggage?" she asked. "Are you moving?"

Johanna's gaze flicked to hers for a brief second. "No," she said softly. "I'm sorry."

Kate sighed. "It's too early to start all that; what are you doing?"

"Laundry; you said I could."

Kate took stock of the pile on the floor and the suitcases that contained folded clothes; she then glanced at the set table, the food that was now on plates and then looked back to her mother who was already dressed for the day. "How long have you been up?"

"Since a little after 3:30," she admitted as she took a seat across from her daughter.

"When did you start doing laundry?"

"At four; I'm almost finished."

"Why were you up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Any reason for that?" Kate asked.

Johanna shook her head and stayed quiet. She wasn't about to tell her about her bad dream. She didn't need that on her mind.

"Are you alright, you look a little pale?"

"I'm fine."

"Is something bothering you?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and took a bite of her omelet.

Kate studied her as she took a bite of bacon; it seemed like her mother's mood had gotten worse overnight. She still didn't know what to make of this oddly quiet demeanor of hers; it was such an abrupt change from how she had been acting. She hated that it was starting to worry her.

"You're not hiding something, are you? There wasn't a note when you got up, was there?"

"No, Katie," Johanna said somewhat sharply. "I wouldn't do that."

"You have before…you got five of them at the hotel before you told anyone."

Johanna closed her eyes; she was aware of that, but she hadn't hidden any from Kate since being in her home. "I'm not hiding anything."

"Then what's wrong with you?"

"I'm tired."

"Then you shouldn't be doing laundry at four in the morning," she retorted.

Johanna scrubbed a hand over her face as she got up from the table. "Eat your breakfast."

Kate took a bite of her omelet, her gaze following her mother as she moved toward the laundry room. She listened as Johanna emptied the dryer, carrying her pile of clothes to the table and putting them on one of the vacant chairs before she picked up the pile from the floor to put in the washer.

"Who are you mad at?" Kate asked as Johanna ignored the rest of her breakfast in favor of folding her laundry.

"No one."

"Seems like it."

"I'm not mad at anyone…you're the one who's always mad," she remarked without thought.

"I can't imagine why," her daughter said tartly. "Can you?"

Johanna sucked in a breath; she could imagine plenty of reasons and it only increased her guilt…only made it seem as though she'd never be able to reach her daughter. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah; you always are."

Johanna winced slightly as she turned a bit in her chair to avoid Kate, her ribs feeling the effects of throwing up hours before. She didn't respond to her daughter's statement; she didn't need to. Kate had already made it clear that she could never atone for what she had done. The thought only depressed her further as she carefully folded her clothes.

Kate blew out a breath as she watched her, figuring her mother had turned away to keep her from seeing her face. She was so damn prickly the last few days…and the thought struck her that maybe she was getting a taste of her own medicine. That wasn't a thought she enjoyed…and the fleeting thought that she should push more and find out what exactly was on her mother's mind, causing this increased bout of melancholy was a thought she enjoyed even less. Prying meant she cared more than she wanted to. Caring more felt dangerous. She glanced at the clock, she needed to get out. "Have you heard from Dad yet this morning?" she asked.

"He sent a text a little while ago saying he'd be here in a little while…if you need to go, you can. I'll be fine."

She desperately wanted to escape the oppression that seemed to be lingering in the air. "I'm going to head to the precinct."

"Have a good day," Johanna replied as she got up from her chair and moved to the suitcases. She figured she may as well tote them to the next room since she had to lock the door anyway. Kate surprised her by picking up one of the suitcases she had already zipped shut and she gave her a questioning gaze.

"I'll help you carry this stuff back to the guest room before I go."

"You don't have to."

"I know; there's a lot of things I don't have to do," Kate said sharply; "But I do it anyway."

Her mother nodded; she knew exactly what was implied by that statement. They carried all of the luggage with the exception of one bag back to the guest room and then Kate took the opportunity to flee, giving her usual instructions before she left. "Be careful, Katie," Johanna murmured at her back.

"I'll be fine, lock the door."

Kate waited in the hallway until she heard the lock turn and then she headed for the elevator, her father stepping off of it just as she neared. "Katie," he said as his gaze met hers. "Everything alright?"

She nodded. "In the way that you mean; I think you're wife may be a different story."

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I just helped her drag her suitcases back to the guest room, she's been up doing laundry since four and she's in a mood."

"What kind of mood?"

"You'll see," she replied. "I'm going to work; I'll call later to check in."

"Alright, Katie," Jim said. "I'll see what I can do about her mood."

"Please do," she stated as she boarded the elevator.

Jim took his phone from his pocket and sent a quick text to Johanna to let her know that he was the one knocking on the door. A minute later Johanna opened the door and let him in. "How are you this morning?" he asked as she relocked the door.

"I'm fine," she replied while pushing a lock of hair back from her face. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," he answered; hating how things sometimes got awkward when he first arrived in the mornings. "Did you make coffee yet?"

Johanna gave him a small smile. "Of course, I'll get you a cup."

He followed her to the kitchen and spotted her plate on the table. He frowned as he noticed that it was still half full…the one across from it was as well meaning that Kate hadn't ate much either…and he wondered if that meant they'd had words.

Johanna poured his cup of coffee and followed his gaze to the plates on the table. "You may as well finish mine if you want it," she told him.

"Why don't you finish it?" he asked.

"I'm not really hungry…my stomach is a little upset."

Jim stepped forward and accepted his cup of coffee from her hands, brushing a light kiss against her cheek as he did so. "It's probably your nerves, Jo."

She gave him a nod. "I'm sure it is; go ahead and finish it if you want it…you wouldn't want bacon to go to waste, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't want that," he replied with a smile as he sat down at the table.

Johanna sat her plate down in front of him and gave him a clean fork and then cleared away Kate's half eaten breakfast before returning her attention to the rest of the clothes that needed folded before the next load finished. "Looks like you've been busy this morning," Jim commented.

"Yeah; I was almost out of clothes."

"Why didn't you do it sooner?"

"Too much going on I guess," she answered as she folded another pair of jeans.

"You do look a little pale this morning," he commented between bites.

"I know, your daughter told me."

He smiled. "Oh so she's mine today? I thought she was yours."

She smiled a little. "I think she'd prefer to be yours."

Jim shook his head. "I don't want to be solely responsible; you've got to take your share of her…it's your fault we had her."

"If believing that helps you get through the night, then you go ahead and keep thinking it, honey," Johanna quipped; her tone a little lighter.

"How much do you have left to do?" he asked with a nod at the laundry.

"The last load is in the washer. I probably would've been finished sooner but her washer is small."

"I know, I was with her when she bought it. I tried to get her to get one of the larger sized stackables but she said that one was enough."

"I don't think she'd have much room for a larger one," Johanna remarked. "I would like to suggest to her to get a small card table to put in there to fold clothes on but I don't want to offend her."

"I already made that suggestion when the washer and dryer was set up but she said that she'd fold them in the kitchen or the living room…she said that was always what you did."

"That's true," she replied. "But I also had clothes baskets available to tote them in and she doesn't."

Jim nodded in understanding. "I guess that explains the suitcase on the floor."

"They were all in here this morning but it doesn't really matter; the clothes were going back in them anyway."

He pondered that as he finished off her breakfast and picked up his cup of coffee for a drink. She was still living out of her suitcases, claiming she had no right to make herself comfortable. It was time for her to let go of that notion and settle in. This wasn't going to be over any time soon and he was sure she'd settle a little if she felt more at home.

"You should put your clothes in the dresser and the closet where they belong so you don't have to live out of your suitcases," he remarked.

"I don't mind," she replied as she began to put the batch of folded clothes into the remaining bag.

"Well I mind," he stated. He knew that she had heard him but she acted as if she hadn't as silence fell between them. She could pretend all she wanted, he thought to himself, but today she was unpacking…even if he had to do it himself.

* * *

Johanna washed up the breakfast dishes and then cleaned up the kitchen as Jim read the newspaper. She took the last load out of the washer and transferred it to the dryer; and then glancing at the clothes baskets that held her daughter's dirty clothes, she quickly sorted them and threw a load in the washer. Kate would probably get mad at her for it…but she could hope that she'd just take it as a silent thank you for allowing her to be there. Jim was still occupied with his newspaper when she left the laundry room so she retreated to the bedroom to make the bed and to move her luggage back to the corner of the room it occupied. By the time she finished giving herself busy work, the dryer had finished and she emptied it, dumping the last of her clothes on a kitchen chair to be folded.

The small pile of clothes was folded and shoved into the bag and she returned to the laundry room to throw Kate's clothes into the dryer and to put another load in the washer.

"I thought you said that was your last load," Jim remarked when she returned to the room.

"It was; I threw Katie's clothes in."

Her husband gave her a slightly worried look and she forced a small smile to her lips. "I know she'll be mad…but I want to earn my keep and return the favor somehow."

"I understand," he replied as he rose from his chair. "I'm not sure Katie will, but I do."

Johanna picked up her suitcase. "Well as long as someone does, I guess that's okay," she replied as she headed in the direction of the guest room.

He followed behind her, watching as she set the suitcase with the others and then moved to pick up a nightgown she had left lying on the foot of the bed with her robe. Now seemed as good as time as any, he figured as he moved into the room and went to the corner where her luggage was residing.

"What are you doing?" his wife asked.

"It's time for you to unpack, Jo," Jim stated as he lifted one of her suitcases up on the bed.

"There's no need for that," Johanna replied as she clutched her nightgown that she had been about to fold up and lay on top of the dresser.

He eyed her. "You're not planning on staying?"

"Of course I'm staying!"

"Then you need to unpack."

"I shouldn't make myself comfortable here," she stated. "This is Katie's home and I'm not welcome here."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is; and you know it. She's only allowing me to be here because her captain ordered it. If there was another option that her boss would accept, she'd have me shipped out of here in a heartbeat. She doesn't want me here…she doesn't want anything to do with me, Jim."

"She's angry," he replied. "But that doesn't mean she wants you to be uncomfortable."

"I'm fine; I don't mind."

"What's the real reason you don't want to unpack?" Jim asked.

"I told you."

"That's only a part of it. I want all of it. Are you planning on leaving? Because despite what you just said a minute ago, your luggage implies that you're not planning on staying."

"I'm staying," she said firmly. "I just don't plan on staying here forever. I'm not going to invade Katie's home for a moment longer than necessary. When the time comes, I want to get out of her hair as quickly as possible so her life can get back to normal."

"And then where will you go?"

Johanna's heart dropped to her toes. That sounded like she wasn't going to be welcome to move home at any point in the foreseeable future. She gripped her nightgown and fought hard to keep from crying; the lump in her throat so large she was afraid she'd choke on it.

"Jo?" Jim questioned.

She forced herself to shove away the black clouds that threatened to consume her. "I…I," she stammered before clearing her throat. "I hoped to go home with you…if you'd have me…but I know it isn't very plausible so I'll go back to the hotel until I can find a place to live and a job."

Jim kept his gaze pinned on her as she shifted uncomfortably, her hands twisting the material of nightgown she kept clutched in her hands. "Did I ever say that you wouldn't be welcome to come home?" he asked.

"No, but I'll understand if that's what you decide," she replied as she turned her back on him and sat down on the edge of the bed. "You don't owe me anything…especially not with what I've done. It's unforgivable and I don't expect you to take me in when this is over."

"You're my wife, Johanna."

"That doesn't mean you owe me anything. My plans were presumptuous. I'd never hold it against you if you didn't want me to move home, Jim. I'll understand."

Jim moved around the bed and sat down beside her. "It feels like you've made up my mind for me without any input from me."

"I'm just trying to make it easier on both of us," she murmured. "I know you, despite what I've done you won't want to hurt me…but I can assure you that I don't think it's possible for me to hurt anymore than I already do…and have for the past 13 years. You don't need to worry and you deserve the right to send me away. You deserve better than me."

"Hey," he said gently as his hand covered her clenched fist. "What's this all about?"

"Nothing," she replied; her tone tight with emotion. "It's just the truth."

Jim shook his head. "It isn't. I never said that you couldn't come home, sweetheart."

A rebellious tear rolled down her cheek. "You never said I could either…and you asked me where I'd go when I leave here. I figure that means you don't want me there and it's okay, I understand. A part of me always knew it could turn out that way. I'll find a place somewhere."

"Do you want to come home?"

"Of course I want to come home; it's all I've ever wanted but the choice isn't mine; it's yours, and I don't want you to feel obligated…if you don't want me, it's okay," Johanna cried as she died a little more inside. "It doesn't change anything about the way I feel about you. I'll still love you with all my heart; nothing can change that."

Jim griped her clenched hands and then gently pried them away from the nightgown she was holding. He laid the garment aside and held her hands. "I thought we were doing okay, Jo. We're taking things slow and settling back in…I thought it was going well."

"It is," she sniffed.

"Then why are you trying to push me away?"

"I'm not."

"It kind of seems like it…you're giving me permission to walk away."

"It's only fair," she murmured.

"Is that what you want? Do you want me to walk away? You said you wanted to be with me…did you change your mind?"

"No; God no," Johanna said tearfully. "I want to be with you more than anything in this world. But I know the position I've put you in and I just wanted you to know that I'd understand if you decided that you didn't want to do this…that you don't want me back home as your wife."

Jim hooked a finger under her chin and turned her face toward his. "There hasn't been a single day of the last thirteen years when I haven't wanted you to come home. I know that you're feeling added pressure right now; that it isn't easy for you to be here at Katie's when the two of you are still at odds. It takes away some of our privacy too, but it'll be fine. We'll adjust and we'll continue to work things out and settle back into our relationship…and when this is over, you're going to come home with me."

She sniffled. "I don't want you to think that you can't change your mind."

His hand moved to cup her face, his thumb swiping away her tears. "There's no need to be thinking like that. I can't promise we won't have a few rough spots but I'm here, aren't I? I've been here the whole time."

"I know."

"I also know that you're still upset about the other day…about not finding anything in the boxes of your papers."

"I'm fine," she stated as she tried to pull herself together but it wasn't easy to shake of the dark thoughts keeping her company.

Jim didn't want to press too much; he wasn't quite sure what to make of her mood and he didn't want to risk upsetting her further. Instead he gave in and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly. She held herself somewhat rigid for a moment until she was sure that he wasn't going to pull away. When he made no move to release her, she sank into his embrace. It was a feeling that was all too rare…but she understood, or at least she told herself that she did. He pulled back after a moment and brushed a kiss against her cheek before rising from the bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked; wondering if he felt the need for space from her now.

"I'm going to help you unpack," he stated as he returned to her suitcase and unzipped it.

"I just put everything back in the there as I did the laundry," she stated.

"Well we'll just take it back out."

She stayed quiet. Unpacking would mean that she was accepting the fact that she was staying for an unspecified amount of time. A prolonged stay meant being Katie's burden. It meant being a thorn in her daughter's side. She didn't even want to talk to her on the phone unless she absolutely had to, and thanks to this arrangement, she did have to speak to her about a minute per phone call…and given how much she knew Kate didn't like that, she could just imagine how much she hated having her in her apartment. She didn't blame her. Kate had every right to hate her…but she didn't want to add reasons to the list. She hadn't ever thought that things would come to this.

"Where are the hangers?" Jim asked as he looked in the closet.

"There aren't any," she answered. "And it doesn't matter; we really don't need to do this."

"Yeah we do," he replied. "I know you, you like to be organized. Living out of suitcases can't be making things any easier on you. I'll call Katie and see if she has any extra hangers."

"Don't bother her at work, Jim."

"She won't mind. It's just a quick question."

Johanna debated leaving the room as Jim took his phone from his pocket and hit the speed dial for Kate's number but she remained rooted in spot. She told herself that she wouldn't listen to her husband's side of the conversation but his voice kept her from losing herself in her thoughts.

"Nothing's wrong," she heard him assure. "I just wanted to know if you have any extra hangers."

Despite her best intentions, Johanna's ears strained to her Kate's response but she couldn't make it out. Jim's answer, however, allowed her to fill in the blanks.

"So your mother can hang up her clothes."

She tried not to squirm as Jim listened to whatever it was that Kate was saying. She felt badly about putting Kate in this position of having to have her in her home. She felt even worse that they hadn't found any answers in the papers from her office. She hated herself for not being able to provide a solution. If things hadn't happened so quickly back then, maybe she would've thought of writing down every fine detail and hiding it somewhere…but there hadn't been time; her mind and heart had been thrown into turmoil. She closed her eyes feeling the steel band around her heart squeeze tightly; did she ever do anything right?

"She's fine," she heard Jim say; the words breaking through her thoughts. "Do you want to talk to her?"

Johanna assumed the answer was no as Jim didn't move away from the closet to hand her the phone. She wasn't surprised; of course Kate didn't want to talk to her. They hadn't been speaking much since the day they went through the papers, not that they had been speaking a lot before that. Kate was being kept busy at work with another case and when she came home, Johanna did her best to let her be. She'd already pushed too much. She'd let her down too much. Silence was still filling her ears and she looked over her shoulder to see if Jim had ended his call without her noticing but the device was still to his ear and he was listening to whatever was being said on the other end of the line.

If her daughter was talking this long, what she had to say couldn't be good. Her stomach knotted and she looked longingly at the pillows on the bed, wishing she could just curl up and go to sleep and forget all the problems they had for the moment. Apparently the thought was all that was needed to jolt her body into action and she found herself curling up on the bed and snuggling into the pillow, her eyes closing as Jim said something quietly into the phone.

"Hey," she heard a second later as a hand shook her hip. "It's not nap time, get up," her husband told her.

She sighed and listened as she heard Kate's voice on the phone. _"Let her sleep if she's tired, Dad. She was up early."_

"She's not tired," Jim stated. "She just wants to procrastinate about this."

Johanna couldn't make out Kate's next statement as her husband shook her once more. She waved him away but he only caught her hand and tugged it, forcing her to set up as he and Kate said their goodbyes.

"Come on, Jo," her husband said. "I know you're a little down but you'll feel better if you get settled."

"I don't know about that."

Jim headed for the door of the room and she worried that maybe her reluctance had gone too far and that he was leaving. "Where are you going?" she asked; a slight tremor in her voice.

"To get the hangers," he answered. "Katie said there should be some hanging in the back of the hall closet."

Relief filled her and yet she remained sitting on the edge of the bed as she listened to the sound of him rummaging in the hall closet. He returned a few moments later and she caught his eye. "There was a lot of silence on your end of the phone call," she commented.

"I was listening," he replied.

"She must've had a lot to say about hangers."

Jim was silent for a moment; unsure of what to say. He'd been listening as Kate finally told him that her mother had seemed off ever since they went through the papers. Her tone hinted that maybe she was starting to worry about the shift in her mother's behavior. He was a little worried himself but he was hoping he could pull her out of this spiral she seemed to be in. "She was just saying that you've been quiet the last few days; she was asking if you were okay."

"I'm fine," she murmured. "I thought she might appreciate some quiet."

"I think maybe it unnerves her a little," Jim said as he put one of her blouses on a hanger and then picked up another to do the same.

"Does she think I'm being quiet so I can plot some kind of evilness?" she tried to jest but her tone sounded flat even to her own ears.

"No; but she wants me to plot some kind of evilness that will make you better," Jim teased as he picked up the few shirts he had put on hangers and hung them in the closet.

"What do you have in mind?" she asked.

"I'm not exactly sure yet; there's so many possibilities to consider. I'm pondering it as I unpack your stuff…while you sit there being lazy instead of grabbing a bag."

"It wasn't my idea," she quipped.

"Do it anyway," Jim said as he picked up her black leather overnight bag and pushed it across the bed to her.

Seeing that she wasn't going to get of it, Johanna unzipped the bag and began to pull out her pairs of jeans and leggings. She carried them to the dresser and put them in a drawer and then turned back to her bag and pulled out a few more items as Jim continued to hang things in the closet. He watched her from the corner of his eye, seeing her longingly eyeing the bed. In the past she had of course had days when she had wanted to stay in bed but this seemed different. He wasn't out of touch with reality; he knew the signs of depression and his worry grew every time his wife seemed to be exhibiting one of them. He wasn't sure how to handle it; if he should bring it up or just try to pull her out of it.

For the moment he decided on the latter. Maybe he could just bring her back out of it if he just kept making the effort. He didn't really want to risk upsetting her at the moment, and a head on confrontation would probably do that. Jim finished cleaning out her suitcase, searching for something to say as he watched her place a small wooden jewelry box on top of the dresser along with her makeup bag and then her laptop. He put her empty suitcase in the closet and picked up the next bag and opened it. He smiled as he looked at the contents, this bag would afford him the opportunity for teasing…teasing that would remind her of better days.

"Well it looks like I picked the right bag," Jim announced with a grin.

Johanna glanced at him and saw that he now had the suitcase she had her lingerie and nightgowns in. "I can take care of that one," she replied.

"No way," he laughed. "Finder's keepers."

"Jim," she said, a hint of a smile on her lips.

"I see you're still fond of lace," he said appreciatively. "And nylon…and…"

"I know the materials," she said as she cut him off. "I saw no reason to change…I already had to change enough."

There was a hint of melancholy with that statement and he hoped to head it off. "I bet you look pretty in these," he said, picking up a pair of lacy mint green panties. "You've always looked good in green."

Johanna snatched them from his hand. "I just folded these this morning," she chastened as she refolded them and opened the top drawer to put them inside.

He picked up another pair, enjoying the light blush that was staining her cheeks. "You've always looked good in pink too."

She grabbed them from his hand and he picked up the small stack he had started on. "And, blue, white, tan, red…"

Johanna wrestled the garments out his hand. "Quit unfolding all of them, I just put all of this away this morning."

"You should've waited; I would've helped you do the laundry," he quipped.

She scoffed. "We tried that before…I get done faster when you don't."

"That's funny," Jim replied with a laugh. "I believe you've said the same thing about showering."

Her lips curved upwards in a smile…one that wasn't forced; the one he recognized as being part sassy and part amused…and thoroughly being her. "It's true about both," she replied.

"It may be true, but it's less fun too," he grinned as he watched her start organizing the drawer.

Johanna nodded. "Yeah, I know…I can't even really remember the last time I had fun."

The thought struck him in the heart. She'd been leading a miserable existence and it didn't look like she'd be freed from it anytime soon but he'd do his best to make it easier on her. "We'll have to work on that," he told her as he made a show of looking through the next stack of lingerie. "Polka dots," he stated; pulling out a pair of cream colored panties that had black polka dots on them. "You've always looked adorable in polka dots, sweetheart."

She smirked at him but he could see the fondness and amusement in her eyes as she snatched them from his hand. "You think so?" she asked.

He grinned as he gave her a nod. "Yeah; I remember when you had that pink set with the black polka dots."

Johanna's brow rose. "You remember a bra and a pair of underwear I had in the 70s?"

Jim smiled. "Fond memories, sweetheart. Apparently you remember too."

A lazy smile spread across her lips, her eyes fluttering shut as the memory swept across her mind. She'd been running late one evening and they had a date. Jim had let himself into her apartment and walked in on her while she was still stripped down to her bra and panties debating what to wear. He teased her about her polka dots…and then tempted and tormented, cajoling her to break the rules of date night…and it hadn't taken long for them to end up in her bed. They never did go out that night, she recalled. They ordered take out sometime before midnight…they lit candles and opened a bottle of wine; turned on the record player and threw the comforter and pillows on the bedroom floor and ate picnic style.

Her heart quickened; she could still smell those strawberry candles…she could hear their soft laughter and the pops and clicks of the record that had been playing. She could remember the way he pushed her hair back from her face, the taste of his kiss, the feel of his hands as he divested her of those polka dotted garments once more, his voice teasing her, telling her they'd stay on the floor for the rest of the night now. She ached clear down to her soul. What she wouldn't give to go back to that place and time and have that night all over again, to be locked away in their own magical little world. Her throat tightened; would it ever be like that again?

Johanna felt Jim's fingertips grazing against her chin and then the soft pressure of his lips brushing across hers. It wasn't the kiss she kept longing for but her eyes flicked open, silently begging him for another. He seemed to understand as he touched her lips once more, lingering for a moment to allow her to return the gesture.

She wished she was brave enough to break the restraint of their chaste kiss; that she could capture his lips more fully, kiss him long and slow, pouring every ounce of passion and tenderness she had into it…allowing one kiss to morph into a dozen more. But she couldn't and she had to force herself not to whimper as the pressure of his lips against hers lifted away.

Her eyes opened; her gaze meeting his. She didn't speak, waiting to follow his lead as she ached to bury herself in his arms…but she didn't dare. She only took what he offered, fearful of pushing her luck, although she was desperate to break their unspoken rules. Their silence lingered, their eyes locked upon one another. Johanna waited, her heart throbbing as she willed him to give her something…what she wasn't quite sure, and when Jim merely offered her a hesitant smile and then turned back to her suitcase, she knew that whatever it was she had wanted she wasn't going to get. Her heart cracked open a little and she knew she needed to flee.

Johanna turned away and hurried for the door. "Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"I'll be back," she replied, her voice quivering slightly. She took refuge in the bathroom, locking the door before she slid to the floor and muffled the cries that seemed to explode from deep within her.

Jim heard the bathroom door shut and the lock click into place. He closed his eyes for a moment, he was doing the best he could and he knew that she understood and accepted that…but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt her. Johanna had always been an affectionate person and he could easily tell how starved she was for more. She didn't ask though…at least not often…and rarely out loud. She seemed to wait for him to call the shots with affection and he had to admit that he was grateful for that at the moment. He didn't feel right about giving into the urge for more too soon. But it was also sometimes hard to maintain that stance. It was difficult to walk the line of being cautious without hurting her…and yet he knew he was…that every time he let an opportunity pass by he was in essence rejecting her and her love.

She always tried to hide it from him; always conjured up a small smile every time he shunned an opportunity for a longer embrace, a more meaningful kiss. She always gave a look of understanding as he watched her heart crumble further in the depths of her eyes. He hated himself for holding back just as much as she hated herself for having to leave them. He hated even more that he'd be expected to pretend that he wasn't hearing some of the cries she couldn't quite muffle enough.

Jim sighed and scooped up more of her lingerie from the suitcase and carried it to the drawer she had left open. He'd give her a little longer and then he'd go knock on the door.

* * *

Johanna took one last shuddering breath and then pushed herself off the floor. She went to the sink and turned on the cold water and washed her face, chastening herself for running out on him like that. She had to do better. She didn't have any right to ask for more than he wanted to give. She needed to hide her raw feelings better…she needed to do better period. Just because she had sunk into a bout of depression didn't mean she had to take him down with her. Every so often she heard his words about spending five years in a bottle over her echo through her mind. She didn't ever want to be the cause of that again and she'd hate herself every day of her life for being the cause of it once.

She just had to try harder. She had to save her emotions for at night, when Jim had gone home and Katie was asleep…when she was alone in the guest room. She splashed her face a few more times and then patted it dry with her towel. She left the bathroom and went to the kitchen and grabbed a cold soda to soothe her parched throat. She took a long drink after popping the tab and then carried it with her back to the bedroom, prepared to face her husband once again.

Johanna re-entered the room and sat her soda on the dresser before moving around Jim to reach the suitcase, taking care not to touch him as she passed him.

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

"Of course," she answered; proud that her tone didn't waver or betray her.

"Jo…," he started to say but she cut him off as she picked up more of her clothing and moved to the drawer.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as she looked at the piles he had been creating in her absence.

"I'm separating things like you always do," he replied; trying to ignore the fact that she had given him the brush off as he had tried to attempt a deeper conversation…but then he couldn't help but think that if he expected her to live by his rules, he should allow her to have one of her own, and that meant he was supposed to pretend like he didn't know that he had hurt her.

Her brow rose. "Separating?"

"Yeah; you know; you always had your every day pile, your special occasion pile, your date night pile."

"But you don't know which goes in which pile."

"I'm placing them based on my own specifications," he replied.

"I see," she replied as she started rearranging things. "So really in your mind every pile is a special occasion pile."

"Pretty much…but if you want to tell me which is which, I won't object."

"They're all pretty much every day now…I haven't had any special occasion or date night piles for a very long time."

Jim picked up a pair of black lacy panties. "I don't know, these look pretty special occasion to me."

She grabbed them. "I'll keep that in mind."

"You do that," he murmured. "Keep these in mind too," he said pointing to the polka dots.

"Those are definitely every day."

"Every day can be just as special," he quipped.

"You only wanted to help me do this so you could look at my underwear," she replied.

Jim smiled at her. "It's my job as your husband to make sure you have everything you need…and if something's missing, then I must provide it for you."

"And is anything missing?" she couldn't help asking as she went back to the suitcase and cleaned out the rest of her lingerie and carried it to the dresser.

He studied the items that she quickly sorted into piles in the drawer. "It looks like all of your usual colors are accounted for," he remarked; "Except purple…you always have purple, sometimes a few shades of it…where's the purple?"

Her gaze met his. "I'm wearing it."

His eyes scanned her figure as if he could see through her jeans and her plum colored v-neck top. "I guess you're covered then."

"What if I hadn't been?" she couldn't stop herself from asking.

"Then I guess I would've done my duty as your husband and went out and picked you out something nice in purple."

"You would've done that?"

He smiled. "It wouldn't be the first time."

"That was different," she murmured.

Jim shook his head. "No, it wouldn't be different at all."

Johanna highly doubted it and her gaze flicked to the drawer that was now filled. "Any other fond memories?" she asked softly.

His fingers brushed against the small of her back. "I have fond memories for every color of the rainbow where you're concerned," he murmured.

She swallowed the lump growing in her throat and turned back to the suitcase and grabbed her nightgowns. She opened another drawer and went to lay them inside. "I still like this one," he commented as he brushed his fingertips against the peach colored silk nightgown he'd seen her wear at the hotel.

A small smile touched her lips. "You do?"

"Mhmm; you've always looked pretty in silk…and that color has always suited you."

"Unlike yellow," she said lightly.

He laughed quietly. "You're the one who thinks you look bad in yellow."

"That's because I do look bad in yellow."

Jim's knuckles brushed against her cheek. "I think you look beautiful in every color."

She gave him a small smile and then turned away from him. She picked up her soda and took a sip and then sat it back down on the dresser.

"Jo," Jim said gently as she moved past him to grab another piece of luggage.

"I guess we may as well get this finished," she stated; pushing the empty suitcase aside so that she could place the next bag on the bed.

Clearly she didn't want to hear what he had to say, Jim thought to himself. She was probably expecting the worst despite their earlier conversation. He watched her pull more clothes from the bag, knowing that she was doing her best to stay occupied. "You brought a lot with you," he commented without really meaning to.

Johanna nodded. "I wanted to have enough to last me until I could buy new clothes."

"Buy new clothes?"

Her gaze flicked to his as she picked up a hanger. "I left clothes in Wyoming. I don't intend to go back for them. I'll replace my wardrobe."

He rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. "You're just going to leave everything behind?"

"That's pretty much the plan. I can transfer my money online or over the phone; there's no need to do it in person. Once my feet touched the ground in New York there was no plan to go back."

"That's getting to be a disturbing habit," Jim said aloud without thought. He wished he could pull the words back into his mouth as her gaze jerked toward him. She looked like she had been slapped; a sheen of tears in her eyes before she blinked rapidly and dropped her gaze.

"I didn't mean it, Johanna," he hurried to say.

She shook her head even as tears continued to fill her eyes. "No, it's fine," she said as casually as possible but her voice cracked and wavered. "I guess it does seem that way."

Jim watched as she wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she was holding herself…trying to comfort herself since no one else took the job too often. He could see her throat constricting as she swallowed, forcing herself not to cry and maybe even swallowing her words as well. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

"No need to be sorry," Johanna replied, forcing lightness into her tone and a smile so fake on her lips that he had to look away because he couldn't bear to see it. Nothing was ever okay when she smiled like that.

"I can finish this up on my own," she went on. "You could go watch TV."

"I don't want to watch TV right now."

"You can go if you have things to do," she stated as she returned to her task of putting her clothes away. "I don't need a babysitter every minute of the day while Katie's at work. There's a unit watching the building. I'll be fine."

"That sounds like you're trying to push me out the door."

She shrugged. "I'm not naïve; I know you have things to do, errands to run; you have family and friends; work since you're only actually semi-retired."

Jim eyed her. "I don't have any work to do today. I don't have any errands to run. As for family and friends, I told you before that you're both. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be; so just stop acting otherwise," he said somewhat tartly.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

"What's gotten into you, Johanna?" he demanded to know.

"Nothing," she answered; at least nothing she wasn't used to. Depression was a constant companion in Wyoming; she had hoped it wouldn't plague her as badly now that she was back in New York and with Jim and Katie…but recent events had sent her spiraling and she hadn't been able to stop herself.

"It seems like something and you need to either tell me what it is or snap out of it," her husband said in frustration.

She'd been trying to snap out of it but then his words had slapped her across her face and knocked her back down in that hole she'd been trying to climb out of. It was her fault though; she just had to do better. "I'll be better tomorrow," she said softly. "I promise."

His frustration deflated somewhat. "I really didn't mean it, Jo."

"I know," Johanna replied; figuring it would be easier. After all, they both knew that he had meant it whether he meant to say it or not.

"I just meant people would wonder what happened to Meagan."

Something small snapped inside of her. "Meagan's dead," she said tartly as her eyes met his. "She's dead and she's never coming back."

His brow rose; so her fire was still in there somewhere. "Jo; I…"

"She's always been dead," Johanna went on, her hands shaking as she gripped a black blazer. "They pulled that name off a death certificate; you know; that's why it's spelled the way it is instead of the more proper spelling of Megan…that's what they do though. They take the name of a baby or child who died and slap new social security numbers on that identity and give it to you. Then you get to sit and think about how you have a dead person's name…while the government's burying your real name in an empty grave while your family mourns over it. You get to think about that every night…every time you have to answer to that damn name. So it doesn't matter where Meagan is, because she's dead, she always has been and she always will be…because I'm not her. I never wanted to be her."

"I know," Jim said gently. "I know it wasn't what you wanted; I didn't mean to make it seem otherwise."

She knew that; just like she knew that one day she would have to return to Wyoming to tie up the loose ends of the life she was forced to carry; but she liked to tell herself that she wouldn't have to. It eased some of her anxiety to keep reminding herself that she never had to go back. She didn't know why she went off on a tirade like that and she felt like she was about to crumble again as she allowed the blazer to slip from her hands. She headed toward the door, but Jim moved quickly and blocked her.

"Not this time," he told her quietly as he pulled her into his arms. She held herself stiffly, her arms only going around him out of reflex. He held her tighter, waiting on her body to relax against him so he could offer her the comfort she needed. He ran his hand over her hair; waiting to hear her cry but she was holding it in and he didn't want her doing that. He didn't want her hiding her feelings from him. "Let it out," he murmured.

Johanna squeezed her eyes shut and tried to keep from digging her nails into him to keep him clutched to her. His hand was still moving over her hair, lulling her into relaxing slightly. "Come on, Baby," he whispered; "Just let it out, it's okay; you'll feel better."

'Baby,' she thought to herself. He only ever called her baby when he had crossed some line and he was desperate to get back to where he had been. She usually always called him on it, knew a part of him probably expected her to now…but she didn't; instead she allowed her heart to overrule her brain and her self control and she sank further into his embrace, quiet tears rolling down her cheeks as she sniffled.

"That's it," he told her. "It's okay; everything's going to be okay, I promise. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I didn't mean to upset you or hurt you. You know how I am sometimes; I say something stupid without realizing it until it's too late. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," she cried softly. "It's mine; it's all mine."

"No, it's someone else's fault that this happened to us…and he's going to pay for it. I swear I only had good intentions today, Jo…I was just hoping to help you settle in a little more and maybe make you feel more comfortable."

"I know."

"And now I've made a mess of things."

Johanna shook her head. "It's okay."

He pulled back slightly but kept her in the circle of his embrace. "I'm going to make it up to you."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I do," he stated as he wiped the tears off her cheeks before glancing at his watch. "Let's leave the rest of this until later in the afternoon. You can take a little break and relax and I'll run out and get us some lunch."

"You don't have to do that, Jim."

"I want to," he told her sincerely. "I think we deserve a little pick me up, don't you?"

She nodded; he wanted to make up to her, she couldn't deny him that. "What are you going to get?" she asked.

"It's a surprise. Do you need anything while I'm out? I'll pick up whatever you need."

Johanna thought about it for a moment and then recalled something she had meant to ask him to get her. "Yeah; can you get me a new case for my phone? Mine is white and so is Katie's and I'm afraid they're going to end up getting mixed up and we don't need that kind of problem."

Jim smiled. "I can do that; what color do you want?"

"It doesn't matter, whatever you can get will be fine…no yellow."

He laughed quietly; feeling like the comment signaled a return to those moments of lightness that had broken through the clouds at times. "Alright, sweetheart; no yellow, I promise. Do you need anything else?"

"Not that I know of for now."

"Okay," he said; his hands sliding down her arms. "You come lock the door behind me and I'll go get your phone case and lunch. I won't be long, I promise."

"I'll be here," she stated; her gaze locked upon his as if she was trying to drive home a subtle point.

"I know," he replied before brushing a kiss against her cheek. "We'll make the afternoon better than the morning has been, okay?"

"Okay," Johanna agreed, a small smile touching her lips. She'd do her best for him.

Once Jim had left to run his errands and she had locked the door, Johanna returned to the bedroom to finish her unpacking. While she hung up her clothes and put away the few pairs of shoes she brought, she allowed herself to cry the way she needed to. Jim's comment about disturbing habits had sliced right through her. She didn't want her husband seeing her in that light; she didn't want him thinking that she was a habitual runner who had no regard for anyone but herself. It wasn't like that. She hadn't left New York by choice; Wyoming she had. There was a difference; but maybe it didn't matter to him, just like it didn't matter to Kate.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and allowed her head to fall into her hands. She was still wondering what all Kate had said to Jim during those long silences; it had to be more than he had mentioned but she figured it was none of her business even if it had been about her. She imagined it was probably a list of complaints although she was doing her best to stay out of her way as much as possible. She hadn't been pushing things; she'd been giving her as much space as she could while still being in the same apartment with her.

Johanna hated herself for being somewhat relieved that work had been keeping Kate busy; but she couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on her face. She had failed at providing the answers she sought. She had failed as a mother. It was a heavy weight to carry, especially when there seemed to be no getting through to Kate; no way to apologize or explain. Her words were unwanted; her love and affection shunned. It wasn't a surprise, but still it wounded her. Things had been bad enough; but then when they found nothing in those papers…when they'd both been deprived of something they had needed…it had felt like another nail in the coffin of their relationship. She sighed deeply; even before she had pulled back in her efforts her daughter had seemed unreachable despite sharing her home.

Her husband was making the best effort but he was sometimes hesitant, shades of anger remaining although that didn't surprise her either. She had expected it…but that didn't mean it didn't hurt when he made certain comments or turned away from her. She knew he was somewhat confused about her mood; he wasn't used to dealing with this type of depression from her. He wanted her to snap out of it…she wanted to snap out of it too, but it wasn't that easy. She would try harder to hide it though, she owed him that. He might change his mind about her if he got the idea that she could so easily give in to those dark clouds all the time. She was sure she'd be able to fight it more once things settled down some…once she got used to invading her daughter's home…the fear about the future…the fear of screwing up and losing Jim and Kate. She was used to the depression; she knew it took time to work through it. She'd do her best to keep the worst of it from his eyes and ears.

The bed was calling to her again and Johanna shifted around and laid down, snuggling into the pillow. Maybe she could just sleep a little until Jim got back; he had a key, he could let himself in. She had closed her eyes and had just started to drift when her phone alerted her to a new message. "Damn it," she muttered as she grabbed it from the nightstand. The message was from Kate.

" _Castle's going to stop by in a few minutes to check on things. I'm busy."_

She smirked slightly at the phone. Her daughter's messages were always short and to the point…impersonal. She shook the thought away; her mood was making her see it as something it wasn't. She typed back 'okay' and hit send and then pushed herself out of the bed. She went to the bathroom and washed her face again, hoping the redness of her eyes would fade before Jim got back.

A knock sounded at the door and Johanna moved through the apartment toward it. "Who is it?" she called out.

"Your favorite author," Castle replied.

Johanna smiled a little. "I have several, can you narrow it down?"

There was a brief pause on his side of the door but then his voice sounded once again. "The only one that's written about one of your loved ones."

She released the locks and opened the door. "Why didn't you just say so?" she quipped.

"Because you wouldn't be as amused," Castle replied as he stepped inside and she shut the door.

Johanna managed a small smile. "I appreciate your effort to give my life humor."

"Has everything been okay?" he asked as he crossed the room and sat down in the chair while she took her place on the sofa.

"Yeah; everything's fine. There haven't been any notes or anything."

"Good," he replied. "Where's Jim?"

"He went out to get us a few things. He'll be back soon."

Castle eyed her, she seemed somewhat subdued as he had heard Kate mentioning when she'd been on the phone with Jim. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Johanna nodded. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I could probably name a few reasons," he replied. "I'm sure one of them starts with a 'K'."

"How is Katie?"

"You live with her," he remarked; meaning the comment as a way of saying she should know.

"I know," she murmured. "I'm trying to cause her as little trouble and distress as I can…as laughable as that seems when you take everything into consideration. Is it too much on her? If it is, I'll go back to the hotel. I don't care what her Captain says; I'll call her and take full responsibility. I'll tell her I'll take my chances. I feel badly that Katie had to take me in…and I don't want to put more on her than she can handle."

"I didn't mean it that way, Johanna," Castle said. "I meant that you should know how she is because you live with her."

"We don't talk much."

"I know," he replied. "As for that little speech you just gave, Kate's made her peace with you being here. I know she bulked at first but she's fine. She'd be under more strain if you weren't here where she could keep an eye on you. She doesn't want someone else working this case and she wants you somewhere safe; that place is here. I strongly advise that you never utter the words about taking your chances at a hotel to anyone else. That would open a can of worms that you don't want."

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I didn't mean to imply that I'm not grateful for her protection…even if there's a part of me that struggles with that role reversal."

"You didn't imply that at all; you implied that you'd get out of her hair if she wanted you to…and neither one of you need that."

"I won't ever say it again…to anyone. I shouldn't have said it to you."

Castle shook his head. "No; it's way better to say those things to me. Get them out of your system, forget about them, move on."

Johanna sighed; she really could've used that nap. She hoped there wouldn't be anymore bad dreams when she went to bed that night; apparently getting up at 3:30 in the morning didn't help her current state of affairs.

"Have you been crying?" Castle asked as he noticed the redness of her eyes.

"No, of course not."

"Your eyes say otherwise; they're red."

"I'm just tired; I didn't sleep well."

"That may be," he replied; "But I live with two women, I know the difference between red tired eyes and red eyes that have cried. Those eyes of yours are the 'I cried' red."

Johanna glanced away from him. "My mother would say that a real gentleman would pretend not to notice, especially when it comes to a lady he isn't well acquainted with."

"Hey, we're acquainted," Castle replied.

"I said 'well acquainted'," she reiterated.

"We're well acquainted."

"Are we?" she asked.

"Sure we are. You've read Nikki Heat, right?"

"Yes…I'm looking forward to the next one."

"Then you've probably been on my website looking for news of the next one at some point, right?"

Johanna nodded. "And while you were there, you probably read everything else on there, right?"

"Yes; but I know creative licensing when I see it."

"Touché," he quipped with a smile. "You've read and seen my interviews?"

"Yes; I've also read your Twitter page."

His brow rose in surprise. "You're on Twitter?"

"No, I don't have an account; I just read it…I was always looking for mentions of Katie."

Understanding dawned in his eyes. "I wish I had provided you with more mentions."

"That's alright; I appreciated the ones I saw."

He figured it was time to bring things back around to his point. "So you've read the Nikki Heat books, you've been on my social media sites, seen my interviews…we've met, we've spent time together, you've met my mother; you're totally acquainted with me."

"And you're acquainted with me?" she asked.

"Absolutely."

"I don't have a website, books and interviews…and my mother passed away 19 years ago," she remarked.

"But I know Kate and she's told me about you in some ways…and like I said, we have spent time together here."

"Okay," she replied. "We're acquainted…but my mother's statement still stands."

He smiled. "It's been my experience that when a man ignores that a woman has been crying that it ends up coming back to bite him in the ass."

"That's only true for husbands," Johanna stated. "It doesn't apply to friends of the family."

"But still; I'd feel remiss if I didn't ask what has you upset today."

She shrugged as she spoke softly. "There seems to be a million reasons, feel free to pick one."

"Did you and Jim have words?"

Johanna shifted uncomfortably. "We didn't argue."

Castle took the hint that it was an area she felt comfortable confiding in him about. "Is it Kate?"

"Not particularly."

"You're worried?"

"Always."

He gave her a small smile. "I can't help you if you don't talk."

She laughed softly. "I'm afraid there isn't much help for me, Rick; but I appreciate the offer. I'm one of those lost causes."

He shook his head. "You're not a lost cause."

"I feel like it sometimes," she muttered.

"It'll work out," Castle remarked. "It's just going to take a little time and adjustment."

"I know."

His phone buzzed and he pulled it from his pocket to read the message. He wrote a quick reply and sent it and then returned the phone to his pocket. "Katie?" Johanna asked.

"How did you know?"

"Mother's intuition," she replied.

"She wanted to make sure that things were alright; I was supposed to text her when I got here."

Johanna nodded in response; words deserting her in the quest to hold up her end of the conversation.

"Do you have any messages you want me to pass on to her?" Castle asked.

"None she'd want to hear."

"Pick one out anyway."

Johanna toyed with the hem of her shirt. "I love her...and to be careful."

"I'll pass that along," he said as he rose from the chair. "Are you going to be alright until Jim gets back?"

"Yeah; I'll be fine."

"No more crying," he instructed.

"I'll do my best," she promised as she followed him to the door. "Take care of Katie."

"I promise," he assured as he looked her in the eye and offered her a smile.

They said goodbye and he waited outside the door until he heard the locks turn. He then moved up the hallway to the elevator and pressed the button.

The elevator doors opened and Castle's gaze met Jim's. "Rick," the older man stated as he stepped off the elevator. "Is something wrong?"

"No," he assured. "Kate's busy at the precinct; we picked up another case this morning. She asked me to come over and check on things."

Jim released a small breath of relief. "Everything was fine when I left."

"It still is," he answered, his eyes catching sight of the bouquet of pink and white roses he carried along with the bags of food. "Flowers?" he commented. "What did you do?"

"I said something stupid and insensitive," Jim confessed.

Castle smiled. "I thought you'd be beyond that stage of life by now, Jim."

He gave a quiet laugh. "Rick, we never lose that magical ability to say something stupid and insensitive."

Castle grimaced slightly. "Thank you for dashing my hopes for the future."

"You had to find out sometime," he replied. "How was my wife?"

"A little subdued. She seems a little out of sorts today but if you two had words, I'm sure that explains it."

"I had words," Jim stated. "She just pretended like they didn't hurt her feelings."

"Of course, it'll torture you more that way, that's what they do."

"If things weren't the way they are right now I'd agree with you…but I know her. She's pretending because she thinks she deserves things like that. Was she crying?"

"No…but her eyes were a little red like she had been at one point."

He nodded. "She worries me sometimes."

"Why?"

"She doesn't fight back," Jim said quietly. "She lets us say and do whatever we want to her. I could stand in there and call her a list of names and she'd take it. That's not like her…she always fought back…always had this fire raging inside of her."

"She's afraid," Castle replied. "She's afraid if she fights back you'll leave her…but I'm sure one day she'll get pushed enough and then…"

"And then I'll probably beg for mercy," he chuckled before turning serious again. "It's a day I dread but I also don't want her to be a pushover. I saw a small spark of that fire today…I know it's still in there, she's just burying it."

"It's probably something she's been doing for a long time now."

"I know…I just hope it's a habit she breaks soon."

Castle could see the worry in the other man's eyes just as easily as he could see the love for his wife in them. They were caught in some sort of odd limbo, putting their relationship back together in the midst of brewing chaos. It couldn't be easy…and he figured only two people who truly love each other would be able to weather that storm. They might have bumps along the way but he was sure Jim and Johanna would make it, or at least he was hoping they would. "I think she's just trying to figure out where she stands with everyone," he remarked. "She came home being optimistic…probably a method to keep the full force of nerves at bay; but then reality came and slapped her around. She's struggling."

Jim nodded. "I know she is…but I feel like it's more than just trying to find her footing."

"Like what?"

"Depression," he said quietly.

"Has she had a problem with that before?"

He shook his head. "Nothing out of the realm of normal ranges in relation to whatever circumstance was at hand."

"Maybe it's just the let down," Castle suggested. "Things haven't gone as planned…the person she was hiding from clearly knows she's alive…and then there's Kate and their living arrangements. Maybe she's just going through a period of adjustment."

"I hope so…I never could stand to see her being sad," Jim remarked with a sad smile of his own.

The writer nodded and offered a sympathetic smile of his own. "Then I guess you better give her a reason to smile."

Jim laughed. "I'm working on it," he said as he held up the items he was carrying.

"Good luck," Castle told him.

"Thanks," Jim replied. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Text Johanna and tell her I'm coming to the door."

Castle took his phone from his pocket and sent the message. "Done," he told the other man. "I hope you two enjoy your lunch."

Jim smiled. "I hope so too. Take care of my daughter, don't let her work too hard…it makes her cranky."

Castle laughed. "I'll do my best."

They said their goodbyes and Castle stepped onto the elevator as Jim headed up the hallway. He knocked on the door and waited, worrying slightly when it seemed to be taking Johanna longer to answer than he thought it should.

"Sorry," Johanna said as she opened the door. "I was throwing Katie's last load in the washer."

Jim smiled as he stepped inside. "That's alright; you're always worth waiting for."

"I don't know about that," she replied softly, a small smile stealing across her lips.

"I do," he stated, holding the bouquet of roses out to her.

Her eyes lit up as her hands reached for his offering. "What's this for?"

"Just because," he answered. "I saw them and thought of you…they reminded me of the ones I brought you for our first date."

Johanna's smile widened as she dipped her head to inhale the fragrance of her roses. She closed her eyes, allowing herself to take a moment of joy from the gesture. "They're beautiful; thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied, feeling as though he had made the right gesture as he untangled a bag from his hand and held it out to her. "I got you a vase; I wasn't sure if Katie would have one and I thought you might want to put those in your room."

She nodded as she took the bag. "I will do that but for now they can set on the table while we eat."

Jim followed her into the kitchen and sat the bags down on the table. "I got your phone case," he announced as he found the bag while she filled the vase with water and put her flowers in it.

"What color did you get?" Johanna asked as she sat the vase in a spot on the table that wouldn't obstruct their view of one another once they sat down.

He took it out of the bag and held it up for her to see. Johanna smiled as she looked at the glossy red case. "Red," she said warmly.

Jim nodded. "It's still your favorite, right?" he asked; his gaze flicking to the red nail polish that adorned her nails.

"Yes, I love it; thank you. How much was it? I'll give you back the money before you go tonight."

Jim looked at her as if she was crazy. "No you won't."

"Why not?"

"Because you're my wife; I can afford to buy things for you."

"I wouldn't think otherwise," she replied. "But it was something I asked you to get; I intended to pay for it. I would've given you the money before you left but…my brain cells were temporarily scattered."

"They're still scattered if you think I'm going to take your money, Jo. You're my wife, if you need something I'll get it for you and there isn't going to be money changing hands. I don't want to hear another word about it."

She twisted her hands, her foot tapping nervously against the floor for a brief second but he had noticed it just the same. "I'm sorry," she told him. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"You didn't," Jim replied, softening his tone. "But you have reached your 'I'm sorry' quota for awhile."

Out of reflex the apology formed on her tongue, her lips parting to let them escape but Jim placed his fingers against her lips. "Don't," he said somewhat lightly.

Saying she was sorry was second nature now and it was hard to swallow the words, difficult to find a way to say them without actually uttering that phrase. She hated the way she felt; hated how she could so easily make things awkward without meaning to, how she could screw up in a matter of seconds and the worry that came with each mistake. She breathed deeply, that edge of suffocating bleakness reminding her that she was within its grasp despite her attempts at escape. Jim's fingers fell away from her lips and she could tell from the look on his face that he felt like he had sufficiently silenced the words he didn't want to hear.

Johanna wracked her brain for something to say; something her big mouth could say that wouldn't get her in trouble, that wouldn't alienate or annoy. She floundered, but then again she felt like she'd been floundering for a good long time…maybe that was why she lapsed into silence so often. It was the safest option, the one less likely to do more damage as she tried to repair the foundations of the relationships that mattered most to her. She turned away, seeking to keep herself busy getting drinks while Jim turned back to the table and began taking containers out of the bag. "What did you get?" she finally allowed herself to ask once she had prepared the drinks and carried them to the table.

"Your usual," Jim answered. "Chicken sandwich with lettuce and mayonnaise, no tomato; and an order of fries with a slice of chocolate cake for dessert."

She glanced at the containers he was opening, seeing that meal was indeed as he described; his own order of burgers, fries and a piece of cherry pie present and accounted for as well.

"And I got you these for later," her husband spoke, breaking her train of thought as he showed her the candy bars and Reese Cups he had brought her, along with her preferred People Magazine that was resting inside the bag as well.

She smiled. "Lunch reminds me of our first Valentine's Day…the one before we were together."

Jim nodded. "That and the hundreds of other lunches we had together."

"It was a surprise though on Valentine's Day…kind of like now. You brought me flowers and candy then too."

"I know," he said quietly as he held her gaze.

Her chin quivered slightly with emotion. "You remember," she murmured.

A small smile touched his lips as he moved closer to her. "I told you, I remember everything about you, about us…I remember everything you like and don't like, I remember who you are here," he said, gently tapping a finger against her temple before allowing it to trail downwards along the curve of her face, his fingertips brushing along the slope of her neck, her breath catching as he didn't lift them away as they glided over her collar bone, his hand pausing as it came to rest against her heart.

"And I remember who you are here," Jim said softly, his fingers brushing the smooth skin that her v-neck top left bare as his hand rested against her heartbeat.

Johanna raised her hand slowly, fearful she'd startle him and that he'd pull away but he remained in place, allowing her trembling fingers to caress his face for a moment before she laid her hand over his, her eyes closing as the words slipped from her lips without permission or intent. "I love you," she whispered.

He tensed slightly as she squeezed her eyes shut tighter, his hand slipping from beneath hers, leaving her feeling bereft, her skin branded from his touch. She'd done it again; said words he didn't want to hear, spoke without thinking first, allowing her heart to overrule her head and the silent boundaries she knew he had given her when he agreed to let her back into his life. The silence was deafening and she forced herself to focus on the hum of the refrigerator instead of the lack of words coming from her husband. She hated herself…hated herself in more ways than should be humanly possible.

'Don't cry,' she told herself. 'Don't cry…you can cry later after he's gone home, but don't you dare do it now. You don't have any right to ask or want more, you did this; this is what you deserve, it's your punishment, deal with it.' Self imposed sternness and force of will dried the tears stinging her eyes and she moved to the table and sat down, her back to him, grabbing her glass of ice cold Coke and taking a long swallow to rid her throat of the tightness it felt.

Jim remained standing, watching the play of emotions across her face, watching as the inner turmoil and anguish was swept away, a mask of calm acceptance slipping into place, giving her face the forced look of someone trying hard to act like it didn't hurt not to hear 'I love you' in return. He did love her…he just didn't feel like he could say it at this point. He didn't want to hurt her but he just wasn't ready to break down all the barriers just yet. He felt like maybe he should try to explain but his wife spoke just as he opened his mouth to speak. "Sit down, the food is getting cold."

Jim moved around the table and sat down across from her, wondering if maybe the food wasn't the only thing getting cold. Maybe he was somewhat cold himself, withholding words and more adequate shows of affection that he could see she desperately craved. He opened his mouth, trying to let the words she wanted to hear to come out but they wouldn't. Maybe he should try the explanation attempt again.

He was about to speak when Johanna met his gaze. "How's work?" she asked, her tone composed and natural, no trace of anguish visible.

"Work?" he repeated; his thoughts still partly scattered, the rest marveling at how she still could sense the right moment to speak to keep from hearing something she didn't want to hear.

"Didn't you have a meeting last night?"

Jim nodded; that was right, he did have a meeting the night before; that was why he hadn't shared dinner with her and Katie. The rollercoaster she seemed to be on in regard to her mood seemed to have thrown off his mind a little. "Yeah, I had a meeting with Craig. It went fine."

"He's a friend?" she inquired; trying to keep up with the friends he had mentioned that she didn't know.

"Yes."

"Are you going to be working on his case?"

"Yeah, but I'll still be here. What he needs done can mostly be done at home. I'm just reviewing documents and making notes; no interviews this time. If it had required more work I wouldn't have done it this time."

"You don't have to turn down jobs you want because of me," she replied. "I'll be fine."

He shook his head. "I want to be here," he said, feeling like she was trying to push him away again in some method to protect herself from whatever feelings she thought he might be harboring against her. "I want to be here with you."

Johanna said no more on the topic as she took a bite of her sandwich, searching for something else to talk about that would be harmless to their fragile relationship. "Have you been to any ballgames yet this season?"

"Opening day," her husband answered.

"Did you go with your brothers?"

"I went with Andrew and Jeff."

She smiled. "Did you have a good time or did the three of you find some trouble to get into?" she gently teased.

He gave a quiet laugh. "We had a good time."

Jim filled her in on the ballgame and mentioned people he had run into lately that she had known as well. The conversation relaxed and settled back into calmer waters, making him feel like things had shifted back to that lighter place he had been hoping to achieve earlier. Johanna snatched a French fry from his plate once hers were gone and he smiled in response as he realized that the habit was still second nature to her; her relaxed features telling him that she had done it out of a recalled reflex with no thought about it. He picked up his remaining fries and placed them on her plate. She glanced up at him, a slight hint of worry in her eyes as it dawned on her what she had done.

"I should've gotten extra fries so you could have some later for a snack," he replied, putting her at ease once more.

"And have Katie throw it in my face that I added a fast food container to her fridge after that big to-do we had? No thank you," she said lightly.

He laughed and sunk his plastic fork into her cake as he had always done, helping himself to a bite. "I don't blame you for declining in that case."

She smiled, the conversation remaining light as they finished their meal. Jim scooped up the last bite of his cherry pie and held it out to her, not wanting her to control the impulse to take it as she always had in the past. She accepted it without hesitation, her eyes closing as she savored it. "That's good," she remarked. "Not as good as Grandma Lilly's but close enough."

"She was so happy to teach you how to make her pie," Jim said as he recalled his grandmother.

"I was happy that she was so willing to teach me how to make it since it's your favorite."

He reached out and covered her hand with his. "You're the only one who can make it exactly the way she did…I'm looking forward to when you make it again."

Johanna held his gaze. "I'll make it soon; I promise."

"It'll be worth the wait," he replied, hoping she'd read into the statement.

She gave him a slight nod and a smile. "Thank you for lunch; it was a nice treat."

"We'll have to make it a habit…just like always."

"I'd like that," Johanna murmured.

Jim squeezed her hand, holding her gaze. "It'll be okay."

Johanna managed another smile for him; she hoped he was right.

* * *

After lunch, Jim gave Johanna some space by retreating to the living room to watch tv. He listened as she moved around the kitchen, cleaning up from their meal and finishing Kate's laundry. He was slightly worried that she had taken that initiative given how unsteady things could be with Kate. He knew it was a gesture of gratitude on Johanna's part…and maybe even a small way of indulging the side of her that need to feel and function as a mother. He knew how badly she wanted to be Kate's mom again and how much his daughter was resisting. He hoped that when his daughter saw the three baskets of laundry that were being carted into her bedroom that she'd pause before flying off the handle and think about her mother's feelings. He didn't begrudge her her anger or her hurt; he just wished that she'd talk to Johanna a little more and try to work through it. She still loved her; Jim knew that without a doubt; he could even detect the faintest of cracks in her armor against her mother not that she'd admit that they were there.

Jim's thoughts dissipated as his wife made another trek through the living room on her way back to the kitchen. She reappeared a moment later, her vase of roses in her hands, her nose buried in them, breathing in their scent as she carried them to the guest room. Maybe the roses would serve the bonus purpose of making her room seem more home like to her. He pondered his wife as he awaited her return and he was reminded of a moment from his childhood when he and his brothers had come upon a wounded fawn in the woods near the cabin. He could still remember that fawn's dark eyes, how fearful and full of pain they were…how skittish it was as his father tended to the wound on its leg. He saw pain and fear in Johanna's green eyes…could see how wounded she was deep inside. She too was skittish in some ways and it was hard for him to see her struggling so much. His Jo was always sassy, vivacious, fiery, passionate…she was a fighter; she didn't back down…she wasn't a doormat. He frowned; he was being unfair. Johanna's behavior could partly be blamed on the treatment she received from him and Kate…it could also be chalked up to the situation they were currently involved in…and then there was the fact that she had spent so many years alone living a lie. It had to have taken a toll, beaten her down and forced parts of her into hiding deep in her soul. There's was no doubt that every part of her was still in there somewhere, Sassy peeked out once in awhile, as did a small spark of her fiery nature here and there…and she was still a fighter…fighting against the wrong that had been done, fighting to get back on track.

His wife returned to the living room, glancing around as if she was looking for something else to occupy herself with. "Why don't you sit down here with me for awhile, sweetheart," Jim stated. "I think you've done enough housework for the day."

Johanna gave him a nod and small smile as she sat down at the opposite end of the sofa. It didn't escape his notice that she seemed to be making sure that she didn't invade his personal space. He studied her face and saw the tiredness in Johanna's features. He recalled Kate saying that Johanna had been up since four and he felt a small twinge of guilt at accusing her of procrastination when she probably was tired. "Why were you up so early today, Jo?"

She wanted to brush it off and give the generic answer she had given to Kate but she didn't want to lie to him. "I had a bad dream," she confessed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Anguish flicked across her face as the images flashed in her mind. "No."

He saw the distress at the thought of it and didn't hesitate to let it be. "Alright, you don't have to…I understand."

Johanna nodded, wishing she could slide towards his end of the sofa and curl up against him. She didn't attempt it though; he had given her a good bit that day, she shouldn't be greedy. She didn't want to give him details of her dream and yet she found herself murmuring about it. "It was bad…so very bad and scary."

Jim reached for her hand and held it tightly. "You should've called; I would've talked you through it."

"I wanted to," she admitted. The thought had crossed her mind after she had finished being sick. She had longed for him, wished to have his comfort and his arms to hold her. "But I didn't want to wake you over a little thing like that."

"I wouldn't have minded," he replied. "I don't want you to feel alone when you're scared and upset…you've had too much of that."

Johanna squeezed his hand in response to that statement and he continued on. "You call me the next time, okay? I don't care what time it is, you call me."

"Okay," she said softly; "But I hope there aren't anymore."

"So do I…but regardless, if you need me, you call."

Johanna nodded and rubbed her eye. The early morning, the stress and her emotions had left her exhausted. Jim released her hand and got up from the sofa. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'll be back," he answered.

Jim went to the guest room and grabbed her pillow from the bed. He had a feeling he could imagine what her dreams had entailed without her saying a word. He also had a feeling her bad dream could be responsible for some of her upset throughout the day. He carried the pillow back to the living room, going to her end of the sofa.

"What are you doing?" Johanna asked as he nudged her to move.

"I want you to lay down and get some sleep," he remarked as he positioned the pillow and then took hold of her arm, urging and guiding her to lay down.

"I don't want to fall asleep on you," she protested.

"I don't mind. I'll still be here when you wake up," Jim stated as he slipped a hand beneath her ankles and lifted them, settling back down at the opposite end of the sofa and depositing her feet in his lap.

"I probably shouldn't go to sleep this late," Johanna replied; her gaze flicking to the clock and seeing that it was almost two. She was also somewhat afraid that her bad dream would return now that she had spoken of it.

Jim sensed her hesitation. "I won't let you sleep too long," he assured. "And if it looks like your dreams are causing you distress, I'll wake you, I promise. You try and rest now, you'll feel better."

Johanna's eyes closed as she breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. It was nice to feel like she was being taken care of in a small way.

"Think happy thoughts," Jim murmured; remembering that had always been the advice she'd given Katie after a nightmare.

"Any in particular?" she asked.

He searched through his memory. "Think about the first time I took you up to the cabin."

She smiled. "To make up for our disastrous New Years Eve date?"

"Yes," he chuckled.

"That was a good night," she murmured. "You made dinner for me."

Jim nodded. "And we danced."

"I remember," she said softly.

"Good, you keep thinking about it," he said as his fingertips rubbed against her ankle.

"Do you still have the cabin?" Johanna asked.

"Yes, I'd never part with that. I'll take you up there when this is all settled. It'll be good for us to get away and not have any distractions."

"That would be nice," she whispered.

"It'll happen," he assured. "You sleep now…I'm here; I won't let anything hurt you."

The words soothed and relaxed her just as much as the feel of his fingers moving against her skin. She focused her mind on the memory he had recalled and within moments she was asleep.

Jim studied her as she slept, his fingers continuing to move against her ankle. He felt like her mood had lightened some but he knew there was still work to do; there would still be an air of depression hanging over her when she woke…and he had to keep breaking through it. He couldn't allow it to pull her under.

* * *

Kate got home that evening later than she would've liked given the circumstances of her mother being under her protection but she had caught sight of her father's car outside and felt better knowing that he hadn't left her alone, and really that shouldn't have surprised her; of course he'd wait until she was home before leaving. She had to admit that she was glad he was there; she hadn't been looking forward to the awkward tense air that would linger more noticeably if it was just her and her mother. She was tired as she made the trek into the building and she sighed deeply as the elevator rose to her floor.

Kate moved slowly down the hallway and let herself into her apartment, her eyes sweeping the room to make sure everything was as it should be. Things appeared to be in order, her parents each occupying an end of the sofa. She couldn't help but wonder when she'd come home and find them sitting closer together…and on the heels of that idea was the thought that maybe they separated when they knew she'd be coming home. If they did, she didn't understand why. Surely they didn't think that she'd get angry if they displayed affection or closeness to each other. They still loved each other and wanted to be together, she'd be foolish to think otherwise…and despite her earlier reactions at how easily her father had accepted her mother back into his life, she wouldn't begrudge them their second chance.

"How was your day, Katie?" Jim asked when it became apparent that neither woman was going to speak first. It shouldn't have surprised him, Johanna had grown quiet once more as soon as she had heard Kate's key scrape in the lock. His daughter's gaze had passed over her mother as if she was nothing more than a knick knack on the stand.

"Aggravating," Kate admitted. "We caught another case so I hope you're going to be around a lot. I'm going to have my hands full and I'll probably be late coming home for a few days."

"I'll be here," he assured.

"How were things here?" she asked as she dropped into the chair.

"Everything's been fine. Your mother's unpacked and settled in now."

Kate's gaze flicked to Johanna, their eyes meeting at the same moment. She could see a silent apology in her mother's eyes and she looked away. "She probably would've settled in sooner if she'd had clean clothes to put away," she remarked.

"That could be," Jim replied. "But the thought crossed my mind that maybe she was waiting on permission."

"I'd think it was obvious."

"Sometimes it's a matter of formality," her father stated.

"She never used to be so picky about such things."

"I'd say it's probably in light of the circumstances, Katie."

"Would you two quit talking about me like I'm not in the room?" Johanna stated tartly; a flicker of anger moving across her face. "It makes me feel like some kind of second rate freak in a carnival sideshow that you're viewing through the Plexiglas."

Husband and daughter shared a look; Kate's brow rising and her eyes asking a silent 'now what?'

Jim took his cue. "We were just waiting on you to jump in, dear; and by the way, you're too pretty for a sideshow."

"Yeah, you'd have to be more like a main attraction," Kate stated and then she cringed as she realized that probably wasn't quite the compliment she had meant it to be.

Her father grimaced as well as he glanced at her. "I…I uh…didn't mean it the way it sounded," she stammered.

"That's alright," Johanna replied. "I guess if I have to be in a freak show that it's better to be the star."

Kate rubbed her fingers across her forehead and felt it was time for a change of topic. "Did you finish your laundry?"

"Yes."

"Good; I don't want to feel like I'm depriving you of the necessities of life," she stated, cringing again at the slight hint of bite in the words.

"You haven't deprived me…you don't owe me anything, Katie," Johanna remarked quietly, her gaze flicking toward the television.

She sighed and glanced at her father. "I told you she was in a mood," she said quietly.

"She's just tired, Katie."

"When I called earlier you said she was sleeping."

"She was but only for an hour…she needs more."

"You're doing it again," Johanna remarked. "You're talking about me like I'm not here."

"Well we're used to it; it's a hard habit to break," Kate replied without thought.

"Katie," Jim said sharply.

She winced and then glanced to her mother who was making it a point not to look at her. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I didn't mean to say that."

Johanna swallowed and gave a nod; forcing herself not to react to the sting as she rose from the sofa. "It's alright."

"Where are you going?" Jim asked.

"Kitchen," Johanna answered. "I have a plate in the oven keeping warm for Katie…I'm sure she's probably hungry by now."

An excuse for them to occupy different rooms, Kate thought to herself; and yet she couldn't blame her for it. She rose from the chair and went into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway as she watched her mother put the plate on the table along with some silverware. "Thank you," she told her quietly as she moved to take her seat.

"You're welcome."

Her mother retreated, leaving her alone with her thoughts and her dinner. She couldn't help thinking that she should've stayed at work.

* * *

Kate lingered in the kitchen as long as possible, listening to the voices of her parents as they talked quietly in the living room. She'd stuck her foot in her mouth this time, which brought along the brief thought that Castle must be rubbing off on her. She was sure that she'd probably made this strange mood of her mother's worse but eventually she gathered her courage and returned to the living room, grabbing the remote and switching on the episode of Temptation Lane that had been recorded that day. It felt like a proper peace offering although her mother didn't say anything about it.

Jim did his best to keep the conversation going as time passed slowly but neither woman seemed too inclined to chat much. Eventually he lapsed into silence, wondering if the distance between them could ever be closed. Johanna had been fighting so hard to get back in Katie's life and now he felt like he could see her pulling back, giving up a bit in her quest. He supposed he couldn't really blame her, Katie had gotten a double dose of stubbornness and could wear down the strongest of opponents when she wanted to. Besides, maybe a change of tactic was wise…but still he worried.

He turned his head to speak to his wife but saw that she had fallen asleep in the corner of the couch, her reading glasses still perched on her nose and her book open in her hand. He studied her, making sure her sleep seemed undisturbed. She seemed peaceful enough, most likely feeling secure now that both members of her family was home…but he couldn't let her sleep like that all night; she wouldn't be comfortable for long.

Jim glanced to his daughter, seeing the look of sleepiness on her face as well. "Katie," he said quietly.

She flinched, startled by his voice as she turned her head in his direction. "What?"

"Do me a favor and go get your mother's bed ready for her."

Her gaze flicked to Johanna and she saw that she was asleep. She gave her father a nod and rose from the chair. She moved into the guest room, feeling her way in the dark until she reached the lamp on the nightstand and clicked it on. She pulled back the covers and arranged the pillows, making the bed ready as she glanced around the room. She noticed that the suitcases were put away, except for one small one that was shoved into the corner of the room and was apparently being used as a clothes hamper as the clothes her mother had been wearing before she changed into her nightgown were lying it. She'd have to get her a clothes basket.

Kate noticed the vase of roses sitting on the dresser and she moved toward them, her fingertip skimming against a silky pink petal. Castle had told her that he had run into her father as he was leaving that afternoon and that he had been carrying a bouquet of flowers and bags of food. She smiled a little; it sounded like a date had taken place in her absence. She was about to move back to the living room when her father appeared in the doorway, carrying his wife in his arms. It was a scene she'd seen many times before; he'd never hesitated to scoop her mother up as if she weighed no more than a feather and carry her upstairs to bed if she fell asleep on the couch. She even remembered being given the same treatment through her childhood and teen years. If he could keep from waking them, he would…and she was surprised that kindness hadn't resulted in back problems.

Jim carried Johanna to her bed and laid her down gently, watching as his wife snuggled into her pillow. He smiled, his fingers reaching out and brushing back a lock of hair from her face and then skimming along the curve of her face. Impulse had him brushing his lips against hers in a feather light kiss, not caring that his daughter's eyes were upon him, watching every move he made. He pulled the covers over Johanna, making sure she was tucked in and that she wasn't going to stir. He then pulled her phone from his pocket and laid it on the nightstand and then reached into his other pocket and withdrew her glasses and laid them there as well.

"Bring her book in and put it on the nightstand when you go to bed, Katie," Jim whispered. "She might wake up in the middle of the night and want it."

She gave a nod. "Shouldn't you wake her and tell her you're going home?"

He shook his head as he clicked off the lamp. "She might sleep better if she doesn't know," he replied as he quietly moved in the direction of the door, his daughter following behind him.

"How do you figure?"

He shrugged as they made their way back to the living room. "She might think I'm still here and it'll make her feel safe and secure…it might make her think she's home," he murmured; while silently adding that his scent might linger on her clothes and skin, keeping the thought that he was there settled into her subconscious which might help keep her bad dreams at bay. "I know you're tired too, Katie; lock up and go to bed. I'll be back first thing in the morning, if you need me sooner, call."

"I will," she promised as he drew her into a hug.

"Don't forget to take her book in."

"I won't…but hopefully she'll sleep okay tonight."

"We can hope," he answered. "Goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight, Dad," she said softly as she let him out and then locked the door.

Katie made sure everything was secure and then she picked up her mother's book from the coffee table and turned out the lights. She crept into the guest room and deposited the book on the nightstand and quietly slipped back out and made her way to her own room to get ready for bed. As she flipped on the lights, three clothes baskets of clean clothes sitting at the foot of the bed met her gaze. Her jaw tightened as she moved toward them, a few thoughts of how her mother hadn't any right to bother her things flicking through her mind. She noticed a folded sheet of paper lying on top of her jeans and she snatched it and opened it.

" _Don't be angry,"_ her mother had written. _"It's just a thank you, no offense intended. And if I've overstepped yet again and you are angry, I'm sorry."_

The ire that had been building inside her withered and died. She didn't want her mother to think she had to do her laundry…but clean clothes wasn't anything to get upset over. She hadn't done it with the intent to harm, just to thank her…for what she wasn't sure; she didn't feel she'd done anything that would be worthy of her mother's thanks. Kate blew out a breath, but the real question was how did she react to the gesture? Things were so unsteady between them that even comments made with the best of intentions came out all wrong. Maybe the best thing to do would be just to accept the gesture and say nothing…maybe that would keep things from getting worse…and yet it didn't seem quite right either.

She picked up the basket and sat it on the bed, taking her jeans and pants out of it and putting them away. She emptied the other two baskets as well and when she was finished, she set two of them aside to be moved back to the laundry room and carried the third to the guest room. She moved quietly into the dark room, being careful not wake her mother as she moved to the corner of the room and took the clothes out of the suitcase and put them in the basket. She left the basket in the corner and soundlessly placed the suitcase in the closet with the others. It wasn't much in the way of gestures…but it would have to do for now. They both had some sorting out to do, she thought, sighing as she made her way back to her bedroom. Kate hated sorting…she had a feeling her mother did as well; after all, they both seemed to have a knack for messing things up. A slight smirk curved her lips upward as she shook her head; like mother like daughter…maybe one day they'd figure themselves out and get it right.


	7. Chapter 7- Comfort

_A/N: Thanks for your reviews!_

 _This scene takes place between chapters 15 and 16; In chapter 15 Jim and Johanna had a fight and he said that he regretted marrying her. Things started to thaw between Kate and Johanna during this time period while Jim was staying away. Chapter 16 picks up a few days after 15 ended; so this fills in a little of that time._

Comfort – Deleted Scene- Between Chs 15-16

Kate steered the shopping cart down a deserted aisle of the market, chastening herself for stopping after work when she should've known it would be crowded. But then she thought of her mother sitting at home…alone…her heart apparently broken and a migraine still tormenting her. There wasn't much she could do about either problem except try to pick up the pieces and offer some sort of comfort…and for once it didn't occur to her to be too bothered by the thought of offering comfort in small ways; after all, it looked like she was all the woman had at the moment. She blew out a breath and headed for the soda aisle. Her mother's migraine had her concerned as it was now its second day. She knew well enough that Johanna sometimes suffered from migraines; she just couldn't quite remember how long they normally lasted. She'd done a little late night Googling on her laptop once she had been shut away in her bedroom the night before and she had discovered that caffeine was known to sometimes ease the headaches.

Kate stopped her cart and grabbed a case of Coke from the shelf. They had soda but were running low, and if it could work as a cure then her mother's favorite drink needed to be kept in stock. She also grabbed a bottle of ginger ale, hoping it would cure the upset stomach her mother kept using as her excuse for her loss of appetite. She moved on, grabbing things that she had written down on a scrap of paper when she called Johanna after work. She had intended to bring her mother with her but she had declined, saying she didn't feel up to it. Kate hadn't pressed the issue, understanding that maybe she didn't feel up to braving the late afternoon sun with the headache she was battling. She picked up the baking supplies that had been requested; along with the regular staples that had been named. She drifted down the candy aisle, picking up Hershey Bars and Reese Cups for her mother, chalking it up as another possible cure for both her headache and her blues in small ways. She grabbed herself a pack of Skittles, feeling the need to indulge her inner child.

She traveled on to the snack aisle, grabbing popcorn and a bag of Doritos as well. Her lips tipped upwards slightly as she dropped the bag into her cart. Doritos had always been one of her favorite after school snacks…Doritos, a cold Coke and music videos on MTV…and when her mother got home from work she always joined her on the sofa for a little while, her hand dipping into the chips and a cold soda within reach. Johanna had never minded watching the music videos unlike some of her friends mothers…she had never minded letting her play her cds in the car either as long they took turns with the music selection. The memories made her ache a little…and for once she didn't feel much anger with that ache, just longing. Kate shook it off and continued on her task; she still had eggs and milk to get.

While she got the necessities, she also decided to pick up some ice cream, figuring it couldn't hurt to have a woman's best friend when it came to comfort food on hand. Distraction was also needed and so she steered the cart towards the magazine and book department. She picked up the standard fare of People, Redbook and Cosmo among others that she knew both she and her mother enjoyed; she then snatched Good Housekeeping and Woman's Day and Family Circle for her mother, knowing she enjoyed those for their recipes, household tips and book suggestions among other things. She felt she had a respectable stack that should keep her mother busy for a day or two and then her eyes spied a display box that proclaimed 'Bargain Books'.

Kate drifted to the box and sorted through it, her eyes landing on a copy of Janet Evanovich's 'Sizzling Sixteen'. She grabbed the hardback book and studied the cover; her mother had brought a few of the Stephanie Plum paperbacks with her…she'd even bought one when they had gone to the store together the day after she moved in with her. She tried to recall if the book she held was one that Johanna owned; she didn't think it was, and if so she'd only be out five dollars and that wasn't a huge loss. Her mother enjoyed the series, they even made her laugh out loud at times and that was something Kate felt she desperately needed. She added the book to her cart and continued to look through the selection to see if there were anymore that she could add to her mother's collection.

She briefly wondered if it should bother her that she was in essence giving her mother a gift…but then she brushed that thought away. This wasn't a gift; it was just something to cheer her up…something to keep her occupied…something that would make things more bearable for both of them. That was all it was; it didn't mean anything. With her mind settled on that thought, she continued her browsing, her hand coming in contact with one of Castle's books. Kate grimaced, it was one of the Storm novels and she was sure Castle wouldn't appreciate that bargain price sticker on his cover. She glanced around, as if waiting for him to pop up and see that his book was in that box. She had a feeling the sight would sting…and at the very least, bruise his ego. She frowned, she hated to see his book there in that box, marked down like it was some reject. Oh she knew all books eventually found their way into bargain bins, secondhand stores and online auction sites…but this was Castle…and she knew him…and that made it personal. Kate knew that he shopped there and she didn't want him to see one of his efforts labeled as a 'bargain'. She quickly buried the book under others, making sure that one of James Patterson's books was on top and visible instead of her preferred author. It would tickle him to see Patterson's work there on top instead of his own if he should happen to shop there in the coming days.

Kate finished looking through the box, picking up a mystery novel for herself and then glanced at her watch. She needed to get home, her mother had been cooking when she called her, dinner would probably be ready and she didn't need to give her another reason to be upset. After double checking to make sure she had gotten everything on the list, she headed for the shortest checkout line she could find; hoping that her small cures for headaches and heartaches would help some.

* * *

When Kate arrived home, she spotted one of the neighbor kids dribbling his basketball. The ten year old boy called out a greeting to her as always and she smiled in return. "Hey, Eric; you want to make a couple dollars?"

"Do you need me to help you catch bad guys?" he asked as he came to the car.

Her smile widened. "Not today; but I could use some help carrying this stuff up to my door, if you wouldn't mind?"

"It's not as much fun as chasing down bad guys," Eric sighed as he put his basketball down and grabbed a few bags from the trunk.

Kate gave a short laugh. "Chasing down bad guys isn't always fun."

"Sure it is," he replied. "How can it not be?"

"Because it's a lot of hard work…and when you catch the bad guy, you then have a lot of paperwork to do about it; and trust me, it's totally not fun."

Eric grinned at her. "I'm still going to catch bad guys one day."

She smiled. "I'm sure you will; and when you finish your training, we'll be happy to have you at the 12th."

"I'll be there," he beamed as they made their way to the elevator.

Once all the groceries had been unloaded in front of her door, Kate paid him a few dollars and ruffled his hair as she sent him on his way to collect his basketball before someone made off with it. She unlocked the door and started dragging the groceries into her apartment. Johanna heard her and abandoned the kitchen to help.

Kate kept the bag with the book tucked away from her mother's eyes as they dealt with the rest. She'd give it to her after dinner; maybe it would keep a crying jag at bay. "How are you feeling?" she asked her mother as they quickly put things away.

"Alright I guess," Johanna replied; her tone soft and flat.

She studied her; her face was still pale, she still seemed to squinting against the light. "Do you still have that headache?"

"Yes; not quite as bad as yesterday but not much better either."

"I read that caffeine can help with that," Kate said casually, acting as though she hadn't searched for the information. "I know you switch off between soda, water and tea, but maybe you should drink some soda for the rest of the evening and see if maybe it helps a little."

Johanna managed a smile for her daughter and a slight nod. "That's a good idea; I think I will."

"Can't hurt," Kate stated.

"You're right, it can't."

Kate searched for a way to continue the conversation and floundered…suddenly feeling like she might now know what her mother had felt like in this same position when she had been the one who wasn't very chatty. "I think I got everything that you named," she stated, hating that she hadn't thought up something better.

"It looks like everything is accounted for," Johanna agreed.

She sighed softly. "What's for dinner?"

"Lasagna," her mother answered. "It's ready; I've just been keeping it warm for us."

"I'm sorry; I didn't think I'd be as long as I thought."

"No need to be sorry; we needed things, I'm glad you went. Dinner hasn't been harmed by you running a few minutes behind."

"You must feel a little better if you made lasagna," she remarked as she got the drinks while her mother pulled the dish out of the oven. "When I stopped by at lunchtime, you were still laying on the couch in your nightgown."

"Lasagna doesn't require much supervision," Johanna replied. "And the salad didn't take long, neither did the bread."

Kate gave a nod of concession. "But you did get dressed," she stated; taking note of the soft looking black lounge pants and pink t-shirt Johanna was wearing.

"I didn't want you to think that I wasn't making any effort at all."

"I know you don't feel good," Kate replied as she continued to study her. She could tell that the pants were a little big on her slender frame and that she had the waist rolled up. "You're not losing weight are you?" she asked.

Johanna glanced at her as she cut the lasagna. "No, why?"

"Those pants look a little big on you."

"They always have been," she assured. "I've tried to shrink them a little but it hasn't worked…I like them like this though, they're comfy…especially when you're not feeling your best and don't feel like giving much effort."

"They do look comfy," Kate replied, not wanting to offend her. "I just don't want you to be losing weight."

"I'm not; I'm the same size I've always been since having you."

Her daughter smirked at her. "You say that like someone can look at you and tell that you had a baby."

"Well I did have a baby and I do have a few pounds leftover from it. I used to be your size."

"There's not much difference in our sizes. I used to borrow your clothes and I'm sure I still could. I'm sure you could wear things in my closet."

"We're still a size apart though," her mother replied.

"Oh what a travesty," Kate replied dramatically. "So you have an inch on your hips that I don't have on mine. It's hardly worth noting."

"Remember that when you have a baby and that inch means your favorite pair of jeans doesn't fit anymore. I went up a bra size too."

Kate eyed her. "I highly doubt that you received complaints about that."

Johanna blushed; she was right, Jim hadn't complained about her going up a cup size…she shouldn't have been surprised. He also hadn't minded those three pounds she couldn't lose. She had worried though back then…there had been a few misunderstandings about the way she was feeling in those first weeks, but when he finally figured out what she needed, he'd been incredibly sweet and loving and had helped her let go of those worries and become comfortable with herself once again. Tears pricked her eyes, if only her problems were that simple now.

Kate frowned as that dash of color in her mother's cheeks faded, melancholy sweeping back across her features as if the memory of better times had reminded her of the current state of affairs. How was she going to get her off that track? "I feel like I was probably worth the loss of your favorite jeans from 1979," she stated, making her tone light.

Her mother smiled and nodded. "You were worth the loss of several pairs of jeans and one very favorite skirt."

"It's good to know that you haven't been holding a grudge about that," she replied as they sat down at the table with their dinner.

"No grudges…I don't regret a moment of it."

They grew quiet as they each took a bite of their dinner. Kate knew she should probably keep the conversation going, that it seemed to be best to keep her mother distracted, which in turn might get her to eat more than she had the previous day and that morning. But what was she supposed to say? She couldn't ask her how her day was…she'd been locked in her apartment all day and she'd spent the majority of it laying on the couch drowning in her sorrow. She sighed, she wasn't good at this.

Johanna heard the sigh and forced herself to make more effort instead of staying locked inside the dreariness of her mind. "How was your day?" she asked her.

"It was fine," Kate answered.

"No news?"

She didn't have to ask to know that she was referring to their case. "No, I'm afraid not."

Johanna gave a nod. "That's alright, maybe tomorrow."

She forced a tight lipped smile to her lips. "Yeah, maybe," she agreed, although she felt like a liar for doing so. She had a feeling there wouldn't be another lead until another move had been made but she didn't want to bring that up right now.

"How is Rick?"

"He's fine; he says hello."

Johanna smiled. "He didn't get himself into any mischief today?"

"No…but there's always tomorrow."

"Very true. And how are Ryan and Esposito?"

"They were very bored today; we didn't have much going on."

"I figure a slow day must be a relief to all of you," her mother commented.

"Yeah, it is…until we get a whole string of them, then we start to get a little stir crazy."

Her mother smiled once more as she forced herself to pick up her fork again for another bite. "What about your other friend, Lanie? Did you see her today?"

"No; but we traded a few texts during the day."

"She seems like a nice girl."

Kate gave a short laugh. "This feels like the first week of school when you'd ask me if I made any new friends."

"I'm sorry," Johanna said softly. "I don't mean to pry."

She shook her head. "I didn't mean anything by it; you're not prying, I don't mind you asking about them. I didn't mean to imply otherwise."

"It's okay…I don't mind you telling me if I overstep my bounds…I've upset things enough and I don't want to make it worse."

Kate caught her eye and held it. "Don't," she said, keeping her tone soft but carrying a small note of warning. "Just don't go down that road, okay?"

Johanna nodded, her gaze falling to her plate. She always made a mess of things; she never learned when to keep her mouth shut. Her father was right, she didn't have the sense God gave a goose. The thought of her father punched her in the stomach. He always came to mind when she felt like a failure.

Kate mentally berated herself as the silence wrapped around them once more and her mother's fork began to push the food around on her plate, showing that she was going to play with it more than eat it. She just had to stick her foot in her mouth. She had a feeling that her mother was keeping her eyes lowered so that she wouldn't see the likely sheen of tears lying in them. How did she have any tears left? She suppressed a sigh and decided she better try again. "How was Temptation Lane today?" she asked; knowing her mother watched it live and then watched it again with her in the evening on the dvr.

"It wasn't on," she answered.

"Why the hell not?"

"Presidential address of some sort…it didn't seem to be anything vitally important and I didn't really care if it was, so I kind of ignored it."

"Yeah; I have a tendency to tune them out too," Kate replied. "It's always in the paper in the morning, and if I need to know before then, someone will tell me. I wish they'd stop doing it in the timeslot of my show though, it pisses me off."

Johanna smiled a little. "Me too. I left the channel on in case it came on at some point but it never did."

"Well, I guess there's no Temptation Lane for us tonight then…we'll have to find something else to watch."

"And hope that the President doesn't interrupt that as well," her mother quipped.

"Exactly; I'd write a letter of protest but I don't want the F.B.I. beating on my door."

"No, you definitely don't want them coming to your door," Johanna remarked, a hint of darkness in her tone despite herself.

That sounded like a topic that needed moved on from, Kate thought to herself. "What did you watch when it became apparent Temptation Lane wasn't being aired today?"

"A rerun of Matlock."

She smiled a little, the words slipping out before she could stop them. "One of Dad's all time favorites."

"Yeah…I know."

"You cried through the whole thing, didn't you?" Kate asked before she could stop herself.

"Maybe," she admitted softly.

"Is there some TV show that you want me to go buy the dvds of so you have something to binge watch…you know, so you don't have to watch Matlock and cry over Dad."

"That's okay," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "Rockford comes on after Matlock…I like Rockford."

Kate eyed her. "If I remember correctly, his name is Jim Rockford…and his father calls him Jimmy, just like Grandpa always called Dad Jimmy."

Her mother nodded. "That's right," she replied, her voice cracking a little.

"So really right now Rockford is just another form of torment."

"Probably," she sniffed. "He drives a Camaro too…your father had a blue Camaro just like Rockford's brown one."

Kate sighed as she picked up her drink. "You make self torture an art form."

"I can't help it that he's everywhere," she cried.

"Please don't cry; you're going to get your food wet. As for Dad being everywhere…well…maybe you should watch a show that doesn't remind you so much of him. If you need a rerun, watch Dr Quinn, you always liked that."

"It's not on in the afternoon."

"Is it on in the evening? Because I will make sure we're tuned in," Kate stated. "Nothing on there will remind you of Dad."

"Unless its one of the later seasons…that's when he started leaving the room when it was on. He hated the later ones and always gave me a full critique when he watched it with me."

"My God, you don't forget anything, do you?" her daughter asked.

"Not when it comes to the people I love," she replied. "I'll try to do better."

"It's alright; I understand…we'll find you something to watch that doesn't make you think of Dad every second."

Johanna wiped her eyes with a napkin and brought herself back under control. She was a mess and she knew it…and yet there didn't seem to be anything she could do about it.

Kate was about to speak again but her phone buzzed and she pulled it from her pocket, hoping it wasn't the precinct. She really didn't want to leave her mother alone at night. She saw that the text was from her father and couldn't help thinking that his ears must've been burning. She opened it, hoping it would be something more than the last few had been, but she was disappointed.

" _Are you and your mother alright, Katie?"_ Jim had written.

She frowned at the phone; it was the same exact message she had been getting since yesterday. _"We're fine,"_ she wrote back. _"Are you coming back tomorrow?"_

The reply was long in coming; she managed to finish off her lasagna and had started on her salad before the phone finally buzzed. _"No, I won't be there tomorrow."_

" _Why not? Do you have to work?"_

" _For a few hours in the morning."_

" _Then come in the afternoon."_

" _No," he replied. "I don't think I should."_

" _Why the hell not?"_ she wrote back in frustration.

" _Because I think we could all use some space from each other right now, Katie."_

That was rich, she thought to herself. He had all the space while she and her mother were trapped together with no choice but to be in each other's space, although they did their best to respect each other's privacy…just like her mother hadn't asked who she was texting, and she knew she most likely wouldn't.

" _Seems like you're the one with all the space, Dad; what do we have?"_

" _I don't want to argue with you."_

" _I don't want to argue either; I want to know what this is all about so it can be resolved."_

" _Hasn't she told you?"_

" _No."_

" _I'm not either; it's none of your business."_

" _It feels like it is."_

" _It's not. It's just best if we have some time apart."_

" _How long is that going to be?"_ Kate asked.

" _I don't know…but that doesn't mean I want you leaving me out of the loop."_

She forced herself not to scoff out loud. _"If I feel you need to know something, I'll let you know…I wouldn't want to infringe on your space with something insignificant…like with the fact that your wife misses you."_

" _Katie, don't do this. Just try and understand. We all need some time to ourselves."_

That was easy for him to say, she thought to herself. He could have time to himself…her mother only had time to herself when she wasn't home; and she only had time to herself when they weren't occupying the same room. Irritation at him flickered in her veins. All of his lectures about how she needed to be understanding and he was now the one turning his back. It wasn't fair. _"Whatever, Dad,"_ she replied; knowing how much he hated it when she used that phrase…but she felt like maybe he deserved it a little for being a hypocrite.

' _I hate when you do that,"_ her father replied.

" _I know, that's why I did it."_

" _I love you too,"_ Jim said in response.

She rolled her eyes; that was always his favorite tactic when she made a smart ass comment to him. Some things never changed. She allowed the phone to drop to the table, not bothering to reply as there wasn't any point in keeping it going.

"Everything okay?" Johanna asked her, sensing her change in mood.

"Yeah, it was nothing," she answered; not daring to pass along her father's message about needing space. That would only plunge her further into a tailspin.

Johanna had her doubts about that but she didn't push the issue. Kate's private conversations were her own business and not something she should be prying into. "I'm going to start cleaning up while you finish eating," she told her.

"You hardly ate anything," her daughter chastened.

"I'm not hungry, Katie. My stomach is still upset."

"I got you some ginger ale," she told her. "Maybe you should sip a glass and then go back to your soda…maybe we can cure both ailments."

Johanna grabbed her glass from the table and finished her soda before rinsing out the glass and the pouring some ginger ale into it, wanting to show her daughter that she was taking her advice. "Thank you for the candy you picked up," she stated after taking a sip of the ginger ale. "I do like to have chocolate on hand."

"I know, I remember. I got plenty of magazines too."

She nodded. "I'll probably start on those tomorrow."

Kate grew quiet while her mother put the leftovers into containers and put them away. She wished she could fix whatever it was that was wrong…or at the very least be able to offer suggestions about a solution, but her mother wasn't talking. She was keeping it locked away. Her father wasn't going to talk either, and she knew she didn't stand a chance at breaking him. His absence made him seem guilty in her opinion though. It was kind of funny how that worked out; she would've thought that she would've blamed her mother right off the bat…but the evidence that had been in front of her from the first second of the fallout seemed to clear her of suspicion. She was hurt deeply…and if she had done something to cause that hurt, Kate felt certain that her mother would own up to it, take all the blame and be begging his forgiveness. But she wasn't.

Some would make the argument that Johanna's constant stream of crying jags was a sign of guilt, she mused; but it wasn't like that at all. The woman had guilt in abundance…and for the most part, she held herself together. But this…this was completely different, this behavior hinted at a wound, one that had plunged deep, nicking a main artery and causing it to bleed profusely.

Could it be an overreaction to a comment made in the heat of the moment? Kate wasn't ruling that out. Her mother was a passionate woman; her father was more sedate…with the exception of his wife…they were very passionate about each other. Something could've easily snowballed; but on the flipside, it could've also been something big. She hated not knowing…even though it probably wasn't her business. But still, she was somewhat involved…and it was an occupational hazard to want evidence and facts. The clink of dishes being stacked to be washed brought her out of her thoughts and she watched her mother's back for a moment as she prepared the sink. "I'll wash the dishes," Kate told her.

Johanna shook her head. "That's okay, I'll do it…I like to do it, it relaxes me. You finish your dinner and go get your shower; I'm sure you're ready to unwind."

Kate blew out a soft breath as she rose from her chair and carried her dishes to the trash can to scrap off the small amount that remained. She added her dishes to the pile and then picked up the dish towel. "I'll dry," she said, her tone brokering no room for argument.

Her mother gave her a small smile instead of an argument and turned her attention back to her task. Kate thought of broaching a new conversation but thought maybe she should wait until later since they didn't have their episode of Temptation Lane to watch.

* * *

Later that evening, after she had showered and changed into her pajamas, Kate poured herself a glass of wine and a glass of soda for Johanna. She had a feeling her mother would probably prefer to have wine when she came out from her shower, but Kate figured it wouldn't help her headache any and that she probably shouldn't be mixing it with the pain reliever she'd been taking. She poured some Doritos into a small snack bowl and carefully carried it all to the living room. She set the bowl on the coffee table where it would be in easy reach of both of them and then deposited her glass of wine on the stand at her end of couch. Johanna entered the room just as Kate sat her soda down on her stand. "Thank you," she told her.

"You're welcome; I got us some chips too, in case we got wanted to snack…seeing as how you didn't eat much."

Johanna took a sip of her drink and only gave a nod at the comment about her eating habits. She settled down on her end of the sofa and watched as Kate began to flip channels. She flipped passed procedurals and crime shows; they had enough of that in real life and didn't need more at the moment. She also flipped past any show that was based around lawyers as that would probably set her mother to crying again as it would remind her of her husband. Kate wasn't much of a fan of reality shows but she settled on a cooking contest figuring it would garner her mother's attention.

It had the desired effect…for a whole ten minutes…and then a commercial break came and she watched from the corner of her eye as Johanna's head bowed; her gaze on her fingers as she traced circles on the thin material of her robe. She saw the internal anguish spreading across her features and she wanted to head it off before it turned into tears. Maybe it was time to produce that book she had picked up.

"I, um, got you something," Kate said as she got up from the sofa.

Johanna tried to keep the surprise off of her face but she had a feeling she failed miserably. Her daughter had gotten her something? The only thing she expected less than that was for someone to come to the door and tell them who was behind the disaster that had become their lives. "You didn't have to do that," she said softly; managing to keep her tone neutral and not hinting at any eagerness.

"It's nothing major," Kate hurried to remark as she grabbed the bag from its hiding place behind her purse on the stand. "It's really nothing much at all, just something I saw at the store that I thought you might want."

"That was nice of you," Johanna replied; doing her best to be cautious with her reactions as she sensed that Kate felt somewhat uneasy about the gesture she was making given their current circumstances.

Kate returned to her spot on the sofa and pulled the book from the bag. "I found this in the bargain box; so if you already have it, I'm not out much."

Johanna was tempted to ask if her daughter wanted to be paid back for the purchase but she feared offending her…and she was all she had left. She accepted the copy of 'Sizzling Sixteen' with reverence, her fingertips brushing against the raised lettering on the cover. "Thank you, Katie."

"Do you have that one?"

"I used to have the paperback but I left it in the cafeteria at work one day; it was gone by the time I realized it and went back for it. I never got around to replacing it…it's one of my favorites of the series, I've missed it."

Kate allowed a small smile to touch her lips. "I guess it's a good thing I spotted it then."

Her mother nodded; a small smile of her own on her lips. "I'm very glad that you found it," she stated, her heart swelling and filling with warmth at the unexpected gesture. She still had to be cautious though, she didn't want to spook her and cause her to backpedal.

"I thought maybe it would cheer you up," her daughter stated; squirming slightly as a small air of awkwardness surrounded them. "You always seem to laugh when you read those books."

"They are funny," Johanna replied. "They have a mystery component but it's lighthearted…and sometimes I need that."

"That's understandable."

"Have you ever read any of the Stephanie Plum series?" her mother asked as she kept her book clutched tightly in her hands.

"No, but I've thought about it from time to time. Lanie and I saw the movie based on the first book a few months ago when it first came out…I guess it's kind of made me hesitate about trying the series."

"No good?" Johanna asked.

"You haven't seen it?"

"Just the promotional clips they show on TV and online."

"It wasn't horrible or anything," Kate replied. "I didn't hate it, it was just a little…I don't know; it just seemed a little lacking."

"I find that's usually the case when it comes to movies that are based on books. The books are almost always better than the movie."

"That's true," she agreed.

"So don't let it sway your opinion of the series too much," Johanna remarked. "That girl they had playing Stephanie, she didn't fit the image I've always had in my head of her…which tells me that I'd probably sit through the movie thinking about everything that's different from the book. If you want something fun and light for a change, then give it a try; you might like it."

Kate gave a nod. "Maybe I will."

Silence settled between them for a moment and Johanna gathered her courage to prolong the conversation, broaching a subject that her daughter might consider a little personal in some way. "Wasn't there supposed to be a movie for Nikki Heat?"

"Yeah…we don't talk much about that."

Her brow rose. "Oh, why not?"

Kate glanced at her as she picked up her wine glass. "It went straight to DVD."

Johanna grimaced slightly. "That must've hurt Rick."

"You don't know the half of it," she replied. "Whatever you do, don't ask him about it, you do not want to get him started…for all of our sakes."

Her mother gave a soft short laugh. "I won't, I promise. Can I ask you why it went straight to DVD?"

She nodded. "It sucked."

"It sucked? But the book was so good…I mean I know we just mentioned the differences but…straight to DVD is a bit…damning."

"Yeah, well, we'll just say it fell into the wrong hands…and that if that person should ever wind up as the victim at a crime scene, Castle might be a suspect."

"That's pretty bad," Johanna remarked as she took one hand off of her book to reach for her soda. "I admit though that when the casting news came out I found it a bit bizarre…that Natalie girl they picked…she just seemed all wrong."

"If you thought the news was bizarre, you should've met her in person."

"You met her?"

"Yeah, she came to shadow me for a few days as research for the role. It was…creepy," Kate stated.

"Creepy?" Johanna asked.

"Yeah," she said with a nod. "She mimicked everything I did…she even came in one day dressed like me…wig and all."

Her mother's brow rose. "That is a little creepy."

"And she took my coffee," Kate added without much thought, the remembrance of it kicking up an old irrational flicker of anger.

"She took your coffee?" Johanna repeated. "Your coffee Rick brings you?"

"Yes!" she exclaimed; the outrage still present in her voice. "She took my coffee…it was like she was trying to take over my life."

"You should've punched her."

"Believe me, I thought about it," Kate remarked. "There might've even been a moment when I thought about shooting her."

"When she took your coffee?"

She glanced at her mother; could she really still read her that well after all this time? Johanna gave her a small smile. "Lucky guess."

"You're not wrong," she said grudgingly.

"I don't blame you," Johanna said softly. "I'm sure I'd feel the same way."

"It got even more bizarre when she asked me if Castle was gay."

Johanna stared at her for a moment. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that right," she laughed, wincing as it caused her head to ache a little more.

"No, you heard me right; she asked me if he was gay."

"Why would she ask that?" Johanna said; trying to keep from laughing as she didn't want to aggravate her headache anymore.

"Because he turned her down."

She read between the lines. "I see," she said, eyeing her daughter knowingly. "He's a smart man."

Kate nodded and suddenly felt like they'd treaded dangerously close to territory that she had declared off limits and she started to worry that maybe she was cracking the door open too far with this conversation. "So anyway," she said, turning the conversation back to its original topic which she had deemed acceptable. "The movie was a victim of poor handling, delays and lousy casting. The critics panned it and it never made it to the theater."

"Did you ever see it?" Johanna asked; picking up on the fact that the more personal angle of the story had been shelved.

She was quiet for a moment, swirling her wine in her glass before she looked at her mother. "I rented it one night out of morbid curiosity."

"And what was your verdict?"

"I cringed from start to finish and had to shower afterwards because I felt dirty for even watching it."

"That's pretty bad," her mother replied.

"It's beyond bad…and no, I'm not going to rent it again so you can see for yourself."

"I wouldn't even put you through the trauma of asking," Johanna stated. "I am sorry though that it turned out that way."

Kate shrugged. "A part of me expected it when a case took us to L.A. and we visited the set. Natalie was away in rehab and the other actors…well, it just didn't seem quite right. I didn't say anything to Castle though."

"I wouldn't think that you would. Is there any chance someone more talented and capable might pick up the option of making a movie for the second book? Maybe it would do better."

She shook her head. "I don't think so; not now anyway," she replied; and then before she could stop herself, she said, "Sometimes it's weird to think that you've read the Nikki Heat books."

"Why?" Johanna asked cautiously. "You know I read his books."

"Yeah; but they weren't about me."

"That's true…and while I've enjoyed all of his books that I've read, I do like Nikki the best."

"You're probably being somewhat biased."

"Maybe, but it's my right as a mother," Johanna replied.

She nodded and shifted in her seat. "You do know that there are parts of those books that are completely fiction…right?"

Her mother eyed her. "Like what…the sex scenes?"

Kate cringed. "I don't even want to think about you reading those."

"I've always read romance novels, Katie; they're not the first ones I've come across but if it makes you feel better, in the case of Nikki, I just kind of skim over those pages and pretend like I don't know who it's about."

"I appreciate that…and it's not about me…I was not a part of the research for that part of the book."

"It's been noted," Johanna replied as she smothered a smile. "Anything else you want to let me in on that I should know is fiction?"

"Yeah…that thing about the trainer…you know what I mean?"

She nodded. "Yes, I know what you're talking about."

"That's completely fiction…and I kind of hate those parts about the trainer."

"Why?" her mother asked gently.

"Because I don't want people thinking I'm a slut," Kate remarked sharply. "And I don't want you reading it and thinking it either."

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, I would never ever think you were such a thing. I didn't raise you to be that way and nothing about you implies that you've changed in morals."

Kate looked away. "I just wanted you to know," she said somewhat tartly. "Some things are just fiction."

"I know," Johanna said as she gentled her tone, quietly chastening herself for flying into mom mode with the usage of the middle name, but she didn't ever want her daughter to think that she considered for a moment that she was a carbon copy of her fictional counterpart. "I always take fiction that's based on someone with a grain of salt. There is such a thing as creative licensing and all authors use it."

"Just so you know," Kate repeated.

"I do."

Silence fell and Johanna felt that small opening of the door closing and she wanted to get her foot back inside it. They were doing alright conversation wise…it wasn't that they didn't have a good conversation from time to time, they did, it was just best if they stuck to topics that didn't get overly personal for the time being. She looked down at the book she was still clutching like an anchor and noted the bargain sticker stuck to the upper right hand corner. "I always feel bad when I see one of my favorite authors in the bargain box," she commented softly. "I mean, I'm glad to find the bargain, but I feel bad for the author…I guess I kind of consider them friends since I spend so much time with their characters. It's always a little sad to see a piece of their work being demoted…I imagine it probably stings a little even though it happens to every book at some point. But still, I can't help feeling a little bad about it…which is probably silly, isn't it?"

"No," her daughter murmured. "I know what you mean…one of Castle's books was in the box with that one."

"It wasn't one of the Nikki Heat books, was it?"

"No; it was one of the Derrick Storm books…but I did feel kind of bad seeing it there…and I know he shops there sometimes."

"It probably would be disappointing for him to see his book in the bargain box."

Kate glanced at her. "I buried it at the bottom of the box so he wouldn't see it if he went in there."

Johanna smiled. "That was nice of you."

"I even made sure to put one of James Patterson's books on top because he'd think that was funny."

"I hope he appreciates the things you do for him," her mother replied.

She smiled a little. "He'd probably say I was just trying to spare myself the lament he'd have to recite about the whole thing."

"And you'd let him recite it," Johanna remarked; "Because that's what we do for the people we care about."

"Yeah, I guess so," she said; her gaze shifting away again; that thought of being too open nagging at her once more.

It grew quiet once more and Johanna shifted her attention to the television as she was at a loss for a new topic to begin. On the screen Entertainment Tonight was giving the rundown of yet another celebrity marriage that had come to an end. The details of discord hit a bit close to home and the argument with Jim that she had been able to put from her mind for a few minutes with her daughter's help came rushing back. His words echoed in her brain on a loop…and her heart twisted every time she thought about how he regretted their marriage and wished he had never met her. She couldn't ever remember him hurting her more…and while she knew that she most likely deserved it, she couldn't stop the pain from coursing through every fiber of her being. He regretted it…the most beautiful precious thing in her life, next to her daughter, and he regretted it. It was his right to do so…but she'd wanted to die when she heard him speak the words aloud.

She swallowed hard; all those memories she had clung to over the past thirteen years, the ones that kept her going, that gave her hope…they were just regrets to him now…and it was all her fault. God she hated herself. Maybe he had been better off without her; after all, she clearly wasn't any good for him; look at what she had done to him. She had left him to keep them all safe and in the process caused him to turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism. She'd done that to him. She'd ruined his life…just like Elizabeth Beckett had always predicted. Her mother-in-law had said from day one that she was trouble, that he would regret getting involved with her. Maybe Elizabeth had some kind of odd sixth sense. Maybe she knew her son had picked a loser. She tried…she tried to be the best wife she could be…and if there was room to regret their entire existence together, then she must've failed even before she had left. Tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. She had let him down…disappointed him, hurt him, left him, upended his world with her return. She didn't deserve him and she didn't have any right to try to hold him. He should've moved on and found someone more worthy of him. Someone better than her. He should've taken the opportunity to run that time she got cold feet and called off their engagement…he could've been spared a lot of heartache.

Johanna clutched her book to her chest as she tried not to sob. Jim was the love of her life; her soul mate. She wasn't complete without him…and she would've never left him by choice. She felt like he knew that and yet maybe it didn't matter if it was by choice or not. The damage was done; she'd destroyed everything that had meant anything to her and this was her punishment. She was going to lose him just when she got him back. That was the way her life seemed to go. She was sure that despite the olive branch Kate had offered that she'd be shown the door as soon as the case was closed and she'd be back to being alone. She might be able to sleep better having that weight off her shoulders and conscience but she'd most likely be sleeping alone…because she had a feeling it was over…he wouldn't want to put himself through this, not when they didn't know how things were going to turn out with this case. She didn't blame him…but it was like a knife through her heart over and over as his words cycled through her mind, coupled with the memories she cherished and relied on for so long.

A shuddering breath wracked her slender frame, a soft whimper on her lips that she couldn't control. Kate's gaze darted toward her. "Oh no," she practically whined herself. "What are you crying for now? You were fine, we talked…didn't we talk?"

"Yes," Johanna sniffed.

"And it went okay, didn't it?"

"Yes; I enjoyed it very much," she replied. "I always enjoy it when we have a nice talk."

"Then why are you crying again? I thought you were okay, you even managed to laugh a little while ago."

"I miss him," she cried.

Kate sighed. "Please tell me what this whole thing is about with Dad."

Johanna shook her head. "It can't be that bad, can it?" her daughter asked.

"Yes…it is to me."

Kate picked up her wine glass and downed the rest of its contents. So much for thinking she had gotten her under control emotionally tonight. "I'm sure that whatever it is probably isn't as bad as you think; it'll work out."

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Well that seems to be your nature. Just call him or send him a text."

"No; I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because…I just can't. He doesn't have anything to say to me or we would've heard from him by now."

"He sends me a text to check on us every so often."

Johanna swiped at her cheeks. "That's to make sure you're okay."

"He asks about both of us," she said firmly. "You need to stop this; you're just making yourself sick. Do you want to make your headache worse?"

"No."

"Then stop; it's just a fight; you and Dad have had fights before…you've even gave each other the silent treatment before, it always works itself out."

She sniffled and tried desperately to stop her tears but she was failing. Katie didn't have all the details so she didn't understand why this was so different from those occasions she remembered. She also knew that her emotional state irritated her daughter although she was being extremely patient with her. "I'm sorry, Katie," she murmured.

Another sigh crossed Kate's lips as she regarded her mother. A wayward voice in the back of her mind urged her to offer more comfort…to close the distance and hug her…but she dismissed that idea as quickly as it came. They weren't at the hugging stage…she wasn't sure if they ever would be. But she had to do something or they were liable to drown in tears. She reached out and pried one of her mother's hands away from the book and held it. When it didn't seem to help, she held it tighter, covering it with her other hand. "It's going to be fine," she told her. "You know he's going to come around and you'll work it all out and everything will be fine. You're keeping yourself worked up and it's not helping you."

"I know," Johanna whispered as she took the risk of squeezing her daughter's hand.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this upset about something," Kate said quietly.

"I have been; you just didn't see it."

"Don't take this the wrong way but I hope to never see it again."

She sniffled and tried to bring her crying under control as Kate's hands slipped away from hers…and she fought the urge to hang on to her; she knew that she couldn't, that she couldn't press her luck with her child. She was standing on a thin line with her and she was still wobbly, she couldn't take chances by asking for more than she felt able to give. She clutched her book instead. "He hurt me," Johanna murmured softly; hoping it would be enough of an explanation for her turmoil.

Kate met her gaze. "I figured that out on my own."

Johanna's gaze dropped back to her lap, her head throbbing, making her squeeze her eyes shut as her fingers rubbed against her forehead.

"When was the last time you took something for your headache?" Kate asked softly.

"Before you called to say you were going to the store."

Kate got up from the sofa and went into the kitchen. She filled a juice glass with water and shook two tablets out of the Advil bottle and carried them back to the living room. "Take your medicine," she told her mother as she stood in front of her and held the pills out to her.

Johanna dutifully took the pills and water offered to her, knowing that it wasn't going to help much but she didn't want to upset Kate by saying so.

"Why don't you try to read your book," her daughter suggested as she gave a nod to the hardback she had given her as she settled back into her place on the sofa.

"I can't."

Confusion furrowed Kate's brow. "Why not? Did you misplace your glasses?"

"No…I just can't stand to read when I have a migraine," she answered softly. "Believe me, I'd love nothing more than to dive into this book and let it distract me but I just can't."

"Maybe I should take you to the doctor," Kate replied. "When you can't read and lay on the couch all day and only get up to make dinner, something's very wrong."

Johanna gave a slight shake of her head. "There's no need for that. I'm fine; it just has to run its course. Your father always read to me when my head hurt enough to keep me from reading to myself," she murmured.

"Didn't that make it worse?"

"No; he always talked low and kept his tone soft."

Kate saw the melancholy and wistfulness sweep across her mother's face and realized that she wasn't just upset about whatever went down between them…she was also missing the comfort that she craved from her husband. She toyed with the hem of her shirt. She could easily recall how much her father doted on her mother anytime she as so much as sniffled. She felt like a poor substitute…and yet despite herself, she reached over and pried the book out of her mother's hands; her mother trying to hold on to it as if it was the only thing she had left in the world.

"I'm not taking it back," she told her, managing to get it away from her. "I'm just going to read it to you."

"You're going to read to me?" Johanna asked; the thought in mind that her daughter must be very desperate to stop her tears.

Kate nodded and opened the cover of the book. "I figure it's time Stephanie and I got better acquainted," she stated. "After all, we're kind of in the same business, I'm a cop, she's a bounty hunter…we both chase after criminals. And you're right, I shouldn't be judging her based on a movie…I wouldn't want people judging Nikki based on that disaster of a movie that was made for her, so…."

"You're sure you want to do this?" her mother asked softly.

"Yeah…just don't tell anyone I read bedtime stories…I have an image to maintain."

"That's what your father always said."

Kate mentally slapped herself; she wasn't supposed to be reminding her of the person whose absence was being keenly felt. "I guess one of his genes slipped into the blood stream after all."

"More than one," Johanna commented. "But he'd rather blame me for all of your traits."

"Well it doesn't matter, you're probably both at fault but we shouldn't keep Stephanie waiting."

Johanna gave a slight nod and fell silent, knowing that Kate wasn't willing to stretch the conversation too far tonight. Her daughter softened her tone as she began to read aloud and she made her troubled mind focus on her voice and the words she was reading, willing her body to relax a little.

* * *

Kate had read several chapters of the book by the time her throat was starting to protest. She glanced at her mother and saw that she was dozing lightly, as she had been on and off for the last two chapters. She searched for something to mark the page, wishing she had thought to buy her mother a bookmark. The candy wrapper from the pack of Reese Cups Johanna had opened would have to suffice. She grabbed it from the coffee table and stuck it in the book to mark their place and then laid the book down on the vacant cushion between them. Kate moved quietly as she got up, tiptoeing to the guest room to turn down the covers on the bed. With her task completed she returned to the living room, pausing as she stopped in front of her mother. She hated to wake her but she couldn't leave her curled in the corner of the sofa like that all night. She reached out hesitantly and gently wrapped her hand around her mother's upper arm and gave her a shake. "Hey," she said softly. "Wake up."

Johanna didn't stir and she frowned, apparently her mother had slipped into a deeper sleep than she had thought. "Wake up and go to bed," Kate stated as she shook her again. Her mother's eyes didn't open, but her face turned away from the sound of her voice. She sighed, the word 'Mom' almost slipping from her lips but she pulled it back just in time. It was somewhat difficult though not to call her something…but she couldn't see herself addressing her as Johanna…and calling her by the name the government had given her only seemed spiteful and caused her mother to cry even more than she already did. She wasn't quite ready to call her 'mom' though…and she figured that she was probably going to have to give 'mother' some more thought so that she'd have something to address her as.

Kate shook her again and then tapped her fingers against her cheek. Her mother stirred. "Jim?" she mumbled sleepily, her eyes still closed.

"No, it's me, your daughter…remember, 22 hours of labor?"

Johanna nodded; her eyes flicking open and Kate didn't miss the small flicker of disappointment in them that her husband wasn't the one standing in front of her. "Do you have to go to work?" Johanna asked tiredly.

"No; but it's time to go to bed," she told her, surprising both of them by taking Johanna's hand and giving it a gentle tug to make her abandon her spot on the sofa.

Johanna rose slowly, her unoccupied hand reaching for her book and clutching it to her.

"You're not going to sleep with that, are you?" Kate asked, somewhat amused by her mother's attachment to the book as she picked up her phone for her.

"No, I just want it in case I wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I can read a little," she answered as her daughter kept hold of her hand and guided her to the guest room.

"If you read more, I expect to be filled in at breakfast," her daughter remarked as she laid her phone on the nightstand. "I'm invested now."

Johanna gave her a sleepy smile as she slipped out of her robe and laid it at the foot of the bed. "I promise."

"Try to sleep though," Kate ordered while Johanna settled into bed. She didn't mention that she had heard her crying in the middle of the night the night before. She deserved her privacy and Kate knew how much she worried about disturbing her.

"I'll try," Johanna murmured.

Kate clicked off the lamp as her mother pulled the covers up over her. "Goodnight," she said softly.

"Goodnight, Katie…thank you for reading to me."

"It was nothing," she murmured. "Go to sleep."

Johanna closed her eyes, sensing that her daughter feared she had offered too much and that she would now expect more from her. She wouldn't though; she didn't allow herself to believe that Kate's feelings had changed. A few calm conversations didn't change things. They still had their squabbles and moments of unease; she still picked up on Kate's frustration with her at times. She wouldn't do anything to upset the applecart. She would, however, despite her earlier musing that Kate would send her packing as soon as possible, hang on to the small glimmer of hope that maybe one day things could be okay between them.

* * *

Kate padded from the room, softly closing the door behind her. She went back to the living room and carried the empty glasses and snack bowl to the kitchen and put them in the sink. She made sure the door was locked and then grabbed her phone before turning off the lights and heading to her own bedroom.

She settled into bed with a heavy mind. The case was still at a standstill and keeping that disappointment from her mother in light of her emotional turmoil wasn't always easy. She was frustrated with the lack of leads and the lack of momentum but it wasn't her mother's fault…although she knew she had already made her feel like it partly was by the way she had demanded that she remember something that would be useful. She didn't want to risk making that feeling worse… and more than that, she didn't want to feel like she was failing her.

Kate sighed and shoved those thoughts away and more worrisome thoughts entered her mind to take their place. Had she opened the door too wide tonight in regard to her mother? She wasn't sure how to feel about the evening they had spent together. Would her mother think it meant that her feelings had changed? Would she expect more of her now? Would she go back to pushing things… trying to force her to listen to another round of apologies, explanations, and pleading? She hoped not. She was okay with things being more at ease between them…but she didn't want her to think that it made everything go away…because it didn't.

She rolled over and punched the pillow. Why did she feel like some of the ice had cracked? Why had she given in to the urge to comfort her mother? It only made a mess of her feelings. She didn't want to get too close again…she needed a bit of a wall between them…and yet it felt like Johanna Beckett was scaling it, despite her fear of heights, despite pulling back in her efforts and settling down from that overwhelming state of desperation she had been in when she first came home. Kate didn't know what she was supposed to do…all she could think of was that she'd have to pull back some tomorrow. She could be the caretaker and still maintain a little detachment.

Kate scrubbed her hands over her face; why wasn't it easy to convince herself of that? She groaned quietly, it just seemed to keep getting more complicated. She had to put a little bit of that distance back in the morning. But then there was also that other worry…the one about how her mother seemed to be making herself sick over this mysterious argument. She'd give her another day and see how she did. If there wasn't any improvement, she'd ask Lanie to make a house call…and if her friend wasn't available, then she'd take her to one of those urgent care clinics where they'd probably fly under the radar.

With that detail settled, Kate pushed the rest of her worries away and forced her body to relax enough to sleep. She'd have plenty of time to worry tomorrow…and hopefully her father would make a comeback soon…despite that text she had gotten about them all needing space from one another. She sighed, yet another thing she was keeping from her mother in regard to her emotional state. If her father didn't come back soon, they were going to have to have words…because it wasn't fair to leave her to pick up the pieces of his destruction. A deeper sigh crossed her lips; all she could do was hope that tomorrow would be a better day.

 _A/N: If you want to read or re-read the deleted scene where Kate called Lanie in to check on her mother, it was posted separately last year and is called 'Concern'; you can find it on my profile page._


	8. Chapter 8- Hiding In the Shadows

_A/N: I admit, this scene came to me out of the blue; I don't know why but it suddenly needed written for this timeframe of Kate and Johanna's relationship. Since this doesn't come from one of my stacks of Apologize notebooks (where there are still scenes waiting to be cleaned up, finished and published) I can't exactly say which chapter it fits into, but I feel comfortable saying it fits into the scheme of the early to mid 20s chapters of the story where things were getting better between the Beckett women._

Deleted Scene-Hiding In the Shadows

Kate leaned against the wall near the threshold of the living, keeping to the shadows of the hallway as she watched her mother. Johanna Beckett was hiding in the shadows tonight as well, she mused, her eyes still pinned on the figure who sat perched on the arm of the couch, her body turned so that she could stare out the window into the night that had wrapped itself around the city. The television was off, an unusual circumstance, Kate thought, but she made no move to step into the room. Her eyes had adjusted well enough that she could see clearly and the flat glow of street lights peeked through the blind her mother had opened and illuminated her enough to give her a view of her face.

It wasn't the first time she had found her mother like this. It also wasn't the first time that she had bit back the words chastening her for opening a blind at two in the morning. Danger could be lurking in every corner…someone out there could be watching…and yet the words didn't roll off her tongue. She couldn't find it within her to break the silence of the room…to poke holes into the odd sanctuary her mother seemed to have created for herself in the silent shadows of the night. Her head bowed for a moment, wondering briefly if she was treading on the woman's privacy by keeping a vigil in the hallway.

A soft rustle jerked Kate's gaze back to the living room, seeing that Johanna had shifted a little, making herself more comfortable on her perch. She could see her well enough but she couldn't see the green of her eyes…and yet she knew even from a distance that her mother was far away tonight, locked in some thought, memory or anguish that she was clearly keeping to herself. She shouldn't be surprised…after all; she had relaxed the sharing limits but probably hadn't given her a clear green light in some respects in her mother's way of thinking. They were taking baby steps; things were getting better despite her trying to rail against it for the first few weeks…but her mother seemed to have found her footing, cast off her initial feeling of desperation that had led to excessive pushing and argumentative behavior. Johanna had found her course of action and she was sticking to it, prodding carefully, nudging instead of outright pushing, taking what she was given and asking for no more. It was more affective than she would like to admit, Kate thought to herself, but the wounds that had been ripped open were starting to scab, longings were overtaking the angry need to wound…and her mother's presence, despite being worrying and sometimes exasperating, was soothing…and much more welcome than it had been at first.

She suppressed the urge to sigh, not wanting to draw attention to herself and not wanting to delve too much into her thoughts concerning her rapidly softening demeanor toward her mother. But the fact remained…she was softening…it scared her…it also gave her a feeling of relief and lifted some kind of burden from her shoulders. Perhaps hatred was too big of a ruse for her to carry. She wasn't completely over it…she never would be; and there were still moments when she wanted to shove the woman away and run, hide behind as many walls as she could construct and make her mother stick to some kind of distant, disinterested relationship that some mothers and daughters had.

But they had never had that type of relationship…far from it. In fact she was sure that her mother couldn't even fathom what a disinterested mother daughter relationship was. Her mother believed in all sorts of things, guardian angels, ghosts, silly superstitions about bad luck coming in threes and she had even once proclaimed that she didn't rule out the idea that there might indeed be fairies…somewhere in Ireland dancing under rainbows. Kate smiled, her mother liked fairy tales…even proclaimed to believe in those, with their happily ever afters and their princes on white steeds who rescued fair maidens. Yes, she believed in a lot of things…so had she, once upon a time, before her illusions were shattered, first at the hands of her grandmother when it came to holiday idols, and later by the hand that life had dealt her. In Kate's way of thinking, her mother's illusions should be thoroughly shattered by now as well…but she knew better. Johanna Beckett most likely still believed in fairy tales…but she was certain that her mother did not believe in that distant mother daughter relationship thing.

No…that wouldn't be allowed; not now that she was home, when it was clear she intended to stay, God willing. Kate wasn't sure if she should be grateful for her mother's persistence or exasperated…maybe both…a little of both seemed fitting and she could accept that. But that wasn't why she stood in the shadows of the hallway that night…and the other nights when she'd catch her staring out at the world as it toned itself down so those who weren't insomniacs could rest.

She kept watch because she couldn't help but wonder what Johanna was thinking as she sat and stared into the night instead of sleeping. Hiding in the shadows allowed her to search her mother's face for clues as to what was going on in her head…but Johanna wasn't a puzzle that was easily solved. Kate frowned, squinting a bit to sharpen her focus despite knowing it was futile. She had always thought that her mother was an open book…but she was discovering that there were chapters she knew nothing about; that details of others had been whitewashed for suitable telling to a young girl with questions. She didn't hold that against her, after all, the story she now knew about how her parents ended up together wasn't a story that could be easily told to eight year old Katie who was looking for a fairy tale and wouldn't have been able to understand the complexities of the relationship her parents had been in prior to their obtaining an official status.

But despite her understanding of those things, of accepting that she was coming to know her as a woman and not just her mother, she couldn't help but think that Johanna Beckett had walls of her own…and there was this odd part of her that wanted to know how to scale them and she couldn't quite figure out how to do it. She supposed that was a bit of a comeuppance for her, given her own walls and how difficult she made it for people to scale them. Like mother, like daughter, she thought to herself, managing to halt the scoff that came to her lips.

Kate gave a soft shake of her head; best not to dwell on that despite the more settled nature of their relationship. Instead she redirected her thoughts to what it was that her mother could be thinking about in the dark at this time of night. Was she thinking about the case? Her worries, her fears…her regrets? Or was she trying to avoid those thoughts that plagued her so much in the daylight? Was she thinking of simpler times? Maybe a childhood memory she held dear, was she missing her brother and sister? There was no question that she missed her mother; Kate knew that without a doubt. The loss of Naomi McKenzie had ripped a hole in Johanna's soul so deep that she was sure the wound had never healed…that the scab probably got ripped off occasionally and set her to grieving again…not that she had ever stopped. She did sigh softly that time, she missed her grandmother…wished she was still with them not only for her sake but for her mother's; but that was out of their hands…although she did share Johanna's belief that somewhere out there, Naomi was watching over them, she had to be, how else could they still be there when so many were trying to obliterate them?

Perhaps Johanna was thinking of her father…Frank was a topic she didn't like to discuss much if she could help it; leaving Kate with the pieces of a mystery she'd like to solve. What hadn't she been aware of in the relationship of Frank McKenzie and his eldest daughter? Her grandfather had been a loving man toward her…but apparently he hadn't been all that loving to her mother and she didn't understand why. What had they shielded her from during the eight years Frank McKenzie had been in her life? She wondered if she'd ever know; and yet she doubted that the man was on her mother's mind that night…her expression didn't carry that hint of anguish that it usually held when Frank McKenzie was on her mind.

Maybe her mother was recalling her college days…and whatever mischief she and Sharon had gotten themselves into in those days…because Kate was sure there was mischief lurking somewhere in that timeframe of her mother's life along with those long ago admitted to parties where she had danced the night away. Maybe she was thinking of the early days of her career, her continued friendship with Sharon, who had become her secretary and Maggie, a fellow colleague who had made the duo into a trio for over a decade; not to mention the fact that she had been married to Jeff.

Those were all plausible notions for what might be on her mother's mind; but somewhere deep in her heart, Kate knew that the person Johanna was so intently thinking about could be no one else but her husband. She shifted silently, readjusting her position as she sank back further into the shadows. Yes, there was no real question about it; the person who was most likely to consume her mother's thoughts was no other than Jim Beckett. She smiled a little; her parents love was something that seemed unbreakable, despite the obstacles, the hard times, an agonizing lie and separation for thirteen years…but it held steady; it showed no signs of breaking. Their bond seemed to be made of steel; their hearts so entwined with one another that while they could function without each other, they couldn't really live. It was a love she envied and wanted for herself; the one she measured all relationships by…she couldn't settle for anything less than what her parents had.

Kate stared harder; searching for a tell tale sign of a soft smile curving the woman's lips in remembrance, but she saw nothing but the flutter of lashes, the lowering of her head, her dark hair shielding her face for a moment as she mourned whatever memory she had been reliving. Suddenly she felt awkward for standing there, clearly she was invading a private moment; her mother might be living in her home but she had a right to her privacy; and a right not to be gawked at while she indulged in it. Lightning flashed outside, lighting up the living room, the sound of a summer storm winding up suddenly assaulting her ears; obliterating the quiet as a low rumble of thunder rolled over the city, rain drops pelting the windows without warning.

"Don't stare, Katie," Johanna said softly. "Just come in and sit down if you want."

Her mother's voice startled her and she flinched, her body jerking backwards, causing her to step on the creakiest spot of the hallway floor, the sound colliding with the rumble of thunder that cracked overhead.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Johanna stated; her tone still whiskey soft; her gaze still upon the window.

"How did you know I was there?" Kate asked as she crept out of the shadows.

"I told you before; you're like your father, you stare hard," Johanna remarked as Kate slipped into place at the opposite end of the sofa.

"I do not."

"You do too; I can feel your eyes boring into me from a mile away…you get that not only from your father but from your grandmother too."

"Grandma Naomi?"

Johanna glanced at her. "No."

Kate grimaced a little. "The implication of that statement isn't very nice…even if I do love Grandma Beckett."

"You better love her," her mother replied. "The last thing we need is for her to start haunting us."

"Agreed; and I'll overlook your comparison statement."

"You're nice like that," Johanna quipped lightly but Kate could see the hint of melancholy lingering in her eyes.

She allowed silence to fall between them as the storm carried on outside, her mother's attention still on the window.

"Why are you up?" Johanna finally asked after a few minutes.

"To check on things," she answered. "Why are you up?"

Her mother was silent, and Kate had given up hope of her answering after a few minutes but then she spoke, her tone a whisper, nearly drowned out by the rain pelting the glass of the windows.

"I've never gotten used to sleeping without him."

The statement slammed into Kate's heart and she blinked rapidly, forcing back the unexpected tears that stung her eyes.

"I didn't sleep for days when I first had to go away," Johanna murmured. "I didn't eat…my stomach kept trying to rebel but there was nothing there to empty and I didn't sleep. I couldn't…and when exhaustion finally forced me into it, I dreamed of him and I kept reaching for him…and not finding him woke me and tore me apart all over again."

Kate's teeth sunk into her bottom lip; emotion gnawing at her as she stayed quiet, allowing her mother to speak her piece.

"It's always been like that, all these years…I go to sleep but sometime in the middle of the night, I reach for him, searching for his warmth or his arms, his chest to lay my head on so I can listen to his heartbeat. My heart and my body knows he's supposed to be there, and they make a concentrated effort to seek him out in the dark…and when he's not there…well, it's never lost it's devastating effect. I get to sleep next to him once in awhile now…but when I don't…it's always the same; always reaching out and finding emptiness where there's supposed to be him…his warmth, his love, his security. I just don't sleep well without him; time can't change that, nor do I want it to as I fully intend to get back to sleeping in my own bed with him next to me as it's supposed to be. But tonight he's not here…and I miss him."

"I'm sorry," Kate murmured as she shifted closer, her fingers reaching out and gently curling around her mother's.

"It's alright…I suppose I should be used to it…and maybe he'll stay tomorrow night if he doesn't have something he needs to do."

"He didn't want to go to Uncle Michael's tonight for dinner but he has to keep up appearances."

"I know," Johanna said softly. "I'm not holding it against him; I just always miss him."

Her daughter gave a slight nod. "I guess I could get you a teddy bear."

Johanna gave a short quiet laugh. "It's not quite the same."

"We'll spray Dad's cologne on it…or you can steal one of his shirts."

"I have a long history of that," her mother admitted.

Kate smiled a little. "I remember that you'd snag one once in awhile…especially if he was out of town."

Johanna nodded. "We weren't even dating the first time I took one of his shirts," she murmured.

"Then how did you get his shirt?" Kate asked with a raised brow.

Her mother smiled. "We went on vacation together and I picked it up with some of my stuff while packing to go home."

"You went on vacation together before you were dating?"

"Yes; but that's a story for another time."

Kate took the hint that it was a memory her mother preferred to keep to herself for now…perhaps it was one she had been thinking of while she stared into the night.

"When we were dating and engaged, I used to sneak into his apartment late at night when I couldn't sleep," Johanna whispered.

"Really?"

"Mhmm," she answered, a small smile playing on her lips. "Sometimes I could slip into bed unnoticed…and other times I'd fall asleep while he was lecturing me about being out late at night."

"That sounds like Dad," Kate said with a soft laugh.

"I wish I had that luxury now…I wish I could rewind the clock and go sneak into bed with him so I could sleep without worry…or if I still had to be awake, at least he'd be near…I could hold on to him."

The longing and anguish in her tone was heart wrenching and it was almost too much for Kate to bear; the momentary thought of loading the both of them up in car and heading for home for a peaceful night's sleep a little too tempting. She shook it off, she couldn't let her mother get into that habit and she couldn't suddenly decide to take up residence in her old bedroom. They had to stay there in her apartment, where they were being watched by numerous patrols; where help could reach them quicker if needed.

"I'd take you home if I could," Kate said softly; giving her mother's fingers a squeeze.

"I know, Katie; don't mind me, I get melancholy on nights like these."

"It's okay," she whispered. "It's not like I don't know that you miss him every second he's not here…I've seen you cry when he leaves."

"I'm sorry," Johanna said sheepishly. "It probably seems silly."

Kate shook her head. "You love him."

"With all my heart."

"He'll stay tomorrow," her daughter promised.

"How can you be so sure?"

Kate smiled. "I'll put him under arrest if he doesn't cooperate."

Johanna laughed; a flash of lightning showing that her features had lightened, some of the melancholy swept away. "I like that as a back up plan."

"But will Dad?" she quipped.

"It'll be his own fault…it'll teach him to cooperate," her mother said lightly.

"I don't think you have to worry," Kate murmured. "I doubt you'd have to ask twice. He wants to be with you too."

"I know; it's just that some nights are harder than others."

"Why?" she couldn't help but ask.

"Because the heart wants what it wants…and sometimes the longings can't be quelled…especially when you've already spent too many nights alone," Johanna whispered.

"It won't be for much longer," she told her.

"At least we hope."

It grew quiet between them, both of them giving their attention to the storm outside for several minutes until a question spilled from Kate's lips before she could even think about it. "Do you still believe in fairy tales?" she asked softly. "All that stuff about happily ever after and princes on white steeds that save fair maidens?"

"Yes," her mother answered without any hesitation; "I still believe."

"Why?"

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. "Because he saved me."

Puzzlement furrowed Kate's brow. "A Prince?"

"In my eyes, he's a King," she said softly; "A King among men; the finest I ever found…he saved me, proved to me that I wasn't wrong to believe."

"You mean Dad?"

Johanna nodded. "It couldn't be anyone else; now could it?"

"No, I guess not…but I'm guessing he didn't have a white steed."

"No; he had a blue Camaro," she said with a wistful smile.

"You didn't mind the deviation?"

She shook her head. "No; I loved his Camaro."

Kate smiled a little; more questions filling her mind. "What was it that he saved you from?"

"Myself," Johanna answered softly. "He saved me from myself."

"What do you mean?"

Kate could see that far away look sweeping across her mother's features once more as the question hung between them.

"He snuck around all of my defenses without me even realizing it for a good while," Johanna remarked. "Despite wanting to have a family one day, I kind of had this habit of shunning serious relationships. I'd go out with someone for awhile and when it would start to be serious or they'd want more then I wanted to give, I'd end it, or wait until they got tired of me putting things off and they'd end it, and I'd spend several more months not dating anyone and a big part of me was fine with that. I had law school work to tend to and then after that I had a new career to get off the ground…I didn't need anything serious distracting me; at least that's what I always told myself."

"Why?" Kate asked.

"Because…someone hurt me…and I didn't want to hurt that way again."

The implication was clear and it was odd for Kate to think of her mother loving someone other than Jim Beckett so seriously…and yet suddenly she wanted and needed to know about this part of her mother's life. "Who? When?"

"When I was a stupid, foolish college girl," her mother answered. "Although some could make the argument that I haven't shed the stupidity part even at this age."

"That's not true," her daughter replied. "But what happened?"

A hint of a wry smile touched Johanna's lips as she gave a soft shake of her head. "A tale that's been around since the beginning of time…stupid girl meets rich, handsome guy…he says all the right things and makes all the right moves…and stupid girl falls for them despite the warning signs."

"What signs?"

"You probably don't want to know, Katie."

"I kind of do."

"When I started dating him, he wanted to pressure me…"

"About?"

Johanna shot her a look. "I think you know…we had that talk when you were a teenager."

"Sex," Kate said with a nod.

"Yeah…I told him I didn't want to rush into that; I wanted to go slow."

"What happened?"

"He waited a little while and then got me so drunk that I didn't even remember what had happened when I woke up with him the next morning…I remembered leaving the party with him and going back to his room…but after that, it was a blank…but it was obvious what had happened."

"Bastard," Kate muttered.

"Yeah; he was that," Johanna agreed; "And I was so upset and angry and ready to end it right there and then he said that it had only happened because he loved me…and stupid here fell for that and stayed with him for another 22 months."

"Really?" her daughter asked, cringing slightly at the idea.

"Yeah…he kept saying all those pretty words…making me think I was special…and some extremely stupid part of me even thought that he was going to marry me one day. God I was stupid," Johanna said with disdain. "It's embarrassing to admit to you how stupid I was, even though I kind of alluded to some of this when we had our special talk…I just took out a lot of details."

"You have a habit of that apparently."

"Yeah, well, what can I say, I didn't want to taint your mind…now you're grown up and a cop and I figure not much surprises you anymore."

"True," Kate said with a nod. "But what happened with the Bastard…that's what I'm going to call him since you didn't give me a name."

"His name was Cade but Bastard is an acceptable alternative."

"Cade," her daughter replied; "Practically screams self absorbed jackass."

"Yeah, I should've realized that sooner, but I was young and clearly not very bright when it came to men. At the end of our relationship I found out that he had been cheating on me for six months…and that he didn't love me…and he had a real good laugh about me thinking that we were going to get married one day. He told me that he had only kept me around because I was convenient…that it had been fun but I was just another notch on his bedpost; I wasn't the first and I wouldn't the last. He flaunted his perky little nurse in my face every chance he got; made me a laughing stock for daring to think that I was good enough to marry him when I didn't have the right pedigree for his family. It wasn't an easy time to get through…I loved him and he destroyed me for a long time. I didn't want to trust a man again; I didn't want to make the same mistakes…I didn't want to get hurt again by getting too close."

Kate shifted in her seat; this was beginning to feel oddly familiar…different circumstances but the same end game…and yet her curiosity couldn't be quelled…and she couldn't help but notice that while wrapped in the shadows of the night, her mother didn't seem to be too worried about what she said or expressed, she didn't offer any outs in case someone wanted to abandon her line of conversation. Instead it was Kate who found herself choosing her words with care. "But Dad changed your mind?"

Johanna nodded. "Yes; but like I said, he snuck past my defenses and before I knew it I was so far gone there was no coming back," she said with a soft laugh. "It took me a little over two years to finally totally accept that I was in love with him, despite our 'more than friends' relationship…and it took me another nine months or so after that revelation to convince him that we were worth the risk…but when we finally got there…I knew it was where I was meant to be. I was still scared…but I knew I'd found my place."

Kate tried to keep her squirming discreet…that sentiment was hitting home a little more than she liked to think about at the moment regarding her own relationship.

"So you see, he saved me," Johanna went on softly. "Not just in the sense of closing myself off from relationships…but in a lot of little ways. He saved me and he made me a better person…he healed me…he made me believe that I was something more than I had originally thought I was. He changed my world; he challenged me and loved me and drove me crazy and fought me and made me angry…and every time I was ready to rip my hair out in aggravation, he'd kiss me and call me sweetheart and I'd forgive him."

"It couldn't be any other way."

"No, it couldn't be…so, yes, I still believe in fairy tales…because my mother always told me that one day my prince would come…and he did; he came with a law degree and a blue Camaro and he saw something in me that no one else did; loves me in a way no one else can or even hope to…and I love him more than he can imagine…more than anyone else ever could."

"I guess with proof like that, fairy tales are hard to disapprove despite the world trying to make it seem as though they don't exist," Kate murmured.

"They exist; never doubt that, Katie. Don't let anyone disabuse you of the idea of magic in the world. It's there; you just have to stumble across it one day when you're not really looking for it."

"I figured you'd pull that old 'because I said so' card," her daughter replied, a touch of lightness in her tone.

"That too," Johanna said with a nod.

A loud crack of thunder sounded, making them both flinch as the storm intensified. The rain pounded against the window, making it difficult to see the world outside and yet her mother still gazed at it, a smile touching her lips as her phone buzzed in the pocket of her robe. "He knows I'm awake," she whispered.

Kate laughed softly. "How do you know?"

"Well, for one, who else would text me at this time of night and two, it's storming. He knows that thunder and lightning always wakes me," her mother answered as she pulled her phone from her pocket. She opened the message and smiled before handing the phone to her daughter. "See, I told you so."

Kate glanced at the screen, reading the message that her father had sent. _"How long did it take for this storm to wake you up? Are you planted in front of the window to watch it…or do you remember me telling you not to do that because it isn't safe?"_ "Yeah; he definitely knows you," she remarked, handing the phone back, smiling a little as her mother moved off the arm of the couch to take a seat on a cushion instead, most likely in deference to her husband's remark.

"He does," Johanna replied, her fingers rapidly tapping out a reply.

Kate waited a moment to see if the phone would buzz again in response, and when it did, she rose from the couch. "I'll leave you two alone," she murmured warmly.

Her mother smiled at her. "You don't have to go…although you do need your rest."

"I respect your privacy," she remarked. "Despite lurking in the hallway."

"It's alright," Johanna assured. "I've found that some things are easier in the dark of night…it's an inherited trait, I'm afraid…your father and I always had a habit of having serious talks either in a car or at midnight."

"I wonder why that is?"

"Your father always told me that things look different at night when it's quieter…for me, I guess I've always had the thought that things are easier at night because you have the shadows to hide in…you feel like people can't see your vulnerabilities as well in the dark, and if they do see them, there's something about the night that makes them more understanding. Maybe it's a combination of both of our beliefs…maybe it's something no one understands, but it's there just the same."

Kate gave a nod. "I think it's both theories…but maybe we can save that for the next time."

"Sounds good to me; goodnight, Katie."

"Goodnight," she said softly; "Enjoy your text messages…I know it's not the same as him being here, but at least it's something."

Johanna smiled. "Something is definitely better than nothing…and it does help."

Kate murmured one last goodnight and retreated back through the shadows of the apartment, leaving her mother to indulge in her late night talks…and she couldn't help but wonder how many nights her parents indulged in this habit to bridge the gap between them when they so desperately wanted to be together. She shrugged the thought off as she made her way back to her bed; it wasn't any of her business. A glance at the clock told her that she was going to be dragging when it came time to get up; but she couldn't find it within herself to regret it; she'd had a good talk with her mother, learned something new about her…and accepted that there was no running from the adage 'like mother, like daughter'. She smiled in the darkness; it wasn't an unpleasant thought like it had been a few weeks before.


	9. Chapter 9- Interrupted

_Author's Note: This scene would fit somewhere in the midst of chapters 31-32 of Apologize. Thanks for your reviews!_

Chapter 9- Interrupted

"I thought you were helping me," Johanna said as she snatched a nightgown from Jim's hand.

"I am," he replied as he reached into the laundry basket and took out another nightgown. "I'm looking to see what you're in need of…and you need more of those little silky nightgowns."

"You think so?" she asked.

"Yes; there's an appalling lack here," he said as he plucked items from the basket. "You have this peach one, which you look very pretty in…and you should wear more often…"

"I'll wear it more for you when we're in our own house."

"Why wait, put it on now."

"No!" she laughed.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not! What's wrong with what I've got on?"

"Nothing," he said, glancing at her jeans and the thin purple nylon like blouse she was wearing. "But you'd be cooler in this…it's hot out today."

"I'm cool enough," Johanna remarked. "Katie has the air conditioning set so low that I was shivering when I got up this morning. Why do you think I'm wearing long sleeves?"

Jim shrugged as he handed over the nightgowns he had taken from the basket. "I thought maybe you were covering up to torment me."

She grinned. "No, I wear a towel when I want to do that."

Her husband smiled. "Do you want to go put one on now?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because as I mentioned, it's a bit cool in here."

"I'll keep you warm, sweetheart," he told her with a lazy smile.

"Oh, I'm sure you would…but we've got laundry to put away."

"There's no reason that laundry can't be fun," Jim declared.

"How would putting on a towel be considered as part of the laundry chore?"

"You can wash it afterwards," he quipped.

"I should've seen that coming," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "But on the topic of my nightgowns; just what do you suggest? I have the peach one and I also have the red one…in case you've forgotten."

"No; I haven't forgotten that one…do you want to put it on?"

"No!"

"Fine; be that way, but you do need more of them…like maybe a black one."

"Black?" Johanna said; "Now remember, your mother said black is for sluts."

He smiled. "I don't mind."

She smirked at him. "So what are you saying, Mr. Beckett? You want me to buy a nightgown that my mother-in-law would deem slutty?"

"Yes; get a few of them…I'll give you my credit card."

Johanna shook her head at him. "You're such a man."

"I know; that's one of the things you like best about me."

"Control yourself, James."

"I don't want to…you know what they say about all work and no play."

"Yeah; I know…"

His hand slipped around her waist, his lips skimming against her cheek as he nuzzled her hair. "So let's take a break."

"I need to get this stuff put away…and you know what I said before."

"Yes; I know what you said but I'm sure we can both disregard it."

"We could but we shouldn't…now, focus, laundry."

Mischief gleamed in his eyes as he picked up a pair of lacy mint green panties from the basket. "When are you going to model these for me?"

"When the occasion calls for it," his wife quipped.

"Today seems like a good occasion," he remarked. "You want to put them on?"

"Why, so you can take them off?" she asked, a sassy gleam in her eyes.

Jim smiled. "If that's what you want, sweetheart; I don't have a problem helping you out of them."

"I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem with it," she said as she plucked the garment from his hand. "But I'm not putting them on."

"What about these blue ones?"

"No."

"Okay, you pick a color."

Johanna laughed. "I'm just going to keep what I have on."

"Which is?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

He smiled and reached for the hem of her shirt. "Yeah, I would."

"Stop that!" she admonished with a laugh as she dodged his hands. "What's gotten into you today?"

"You and your irresistible beauty," he remarked, pulling her close once again.

Johanna gave him a quick kiss. "I appreciate the compliment."

"You could show me how much you appreciate it."

"I did, I kissed you."

"That's like an appetizer."

"That's the way it goes sometimes," Johanna quipped as she grabbed more laundry from the basket and turned to put it in the dresser. She dropped a bra on the floor and bent over to pick it up, earning herself a soft pinch for the effort. "You did not just pinch me, did you?" she asked.

"You better hope it was me," Jim said; "Because if it wasn't, then it was a ghost…like at the Balfour."

She flicked his nose. "Don't pinch my ass."

"I can't help it if you put it out there to be admired, sweetheart…you know I've never been able to resist the urge to touch."

"Yes, I know," she said with a smirk. "It cost us a volleyball game once."

"I wouldn't have been so tempted if you would've quit wiggling."

"I was playing the game!"

"You were playing a game alright," Jim laughed, his arm slipping around her. "How about we put the rest of this away later and play a game now?"

"I know what game you're aiming for," Johanna said.

"Pretend to be surprised anyway," he teased.

"Get your hand out of my back pocket," she laughed.

"But it likes being there…remember, it's chilly in here…it needs warmed up."

"Uh huh; I think you're warm enough."

His lips brushed against her neck. "Can I help it if I want you?"

"I don't know how to answer that," Johanna replied.

"Just answer by giving in."

"I can't…I have to put the laundry away."

Jim abandoned the spot of her neck and stepped away; scooping up the remaining items in the basket and shoving them all into the open drawer. "All done," he said, as he grabbed the basket from the bed and sat it near the closet.

"Not everything goes in that drawer," she stated as he sat down on the foot of the bed.

"Maybe not, but you can't say it isn't put away," he remarked as he reached for her and pulled her towards him, his hand giving her hip a soft pat in invitation.

She gave in and straddled his lap as he wanted, her arms slipping around him. "You know I don't try to put you off because I like to, right?"

"Of course…but you haven't said no…in fact, I'm sure you're going to say yes."

Johanna breathed deeply as he sat about convincing her, his lips and hands moving slowly but with purpose, making her want all the things she shouldn't have. It would be so easy to say yes, to give in and just have the afternoon with him without worry…but she didn't know how not to worry…and her temporary home really wasn't the place to be carrying on this part of their marriage…even if they had done it there twice before.

"You're thinking too much," her husband murmured against her skin.

"I can't seem to help that."

"You can," he replied; "All you have to do is let me help you."

"I told you we can't make this a habit," Johanna said softly as he continued to give attention to her neck.

"I don't know why not," Jim murmured against her skin. "It's always been one of our favorite habits."

She sighed, trying her best not to give in to the sensations he was creating but it was growing more difficult. "I know…"

He gave a quiet laugh. "I'm glad you didn't deny it."

"It would be difficult to deny it…and I'm sure you have an arsenal of proof to dispute any denials I'd even attempt to make."

"You've got that right," Jim quipped, abandoning her neck to catch her lips in a searing kiss.

"But still…"

"Yes, but still, it's a habit we should continue to indulge in," he told her.

Her fingers slipped into his hair. "Believe me; I'd love to make it a regular habit again."

Jim smiled. "No better time than the present."

She smirked at him but he had already looked away, his lips returning to her skin, making her shiver slightly which elicited a chuckle from him. "When I said habit…I meant, doing this _here._ I already let you get away with it the other morning."

"Which means you can let me get away with it today," he replied, brushing hot kisses down the column of her throat.

"This isn't the right place…"

"It's the only place we have at the moment."

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"No, we're the only ones here…and the only thing on my mind is you," he remarked, returning to her lips for another kiss.

"But still," she managed to say before he caught her lips once more.

"Just pretend it's a hotel room, that's what I do," he told her. "We've had a lot of fun in hotel rooms."

She laughed softly, ignoring the fact that his fingers were on the buttons of her blouse. "That's true, we have had our moments in hotel rooms…we have a permanent reminder of one of them."

Jim gave her a grin. "Which just goes to prove my theory."

Johanna shook her head at him. "I don't know what to do with you."

His hand slid against her side, his fingertips gliding along her ribcage. "Oh you know what to do; you've proven that many times."

"Jim," she chastened, her cheeks warming.

"No need to be modest when we're alone, sweetheart," he told her, his fingers undoing two more of her buttons.

"We should stop," she whispered, her attention torn between the feel of his lips against her collar bone and the hand gliding up her denim clad leg. She found herself wishing that the material wasn't there…that she could feel his fingertips brushing against her thigh.

"Give me one good reason," Jim stated; his tone quiet and husky.

"Well…"

"That's not a reason."

"I gave one…"

"That's not a good reason either when you take into consideration that we did spend the night here alone not too long ago, making up from our fight…and then as you mentioned earlier was the other morning…"

"I…I know," she muttered, hating that small hitch in her breath that most likely gave away how much she didn't want to stop him.

"Then there's no issue, is there?" her husband asked. "We're all alone…she's at work, she's busy, she won't be home until later. We don't have anything to worry about…remember, it's just like a hotel room…only you've personally cleaned it."

She laughed softly. "And that makes it sexier, right?"

Jim grinned at her. "I have always found your housekeeping skills very sexy."

"That does it for you, huh; watching me vacuum? It's a real turn on?"

He laughed. "Apparently watching you do laundry is a turn on."

"That's because you were copping a feel…and fantasizing about me modeling things for you."

"I can't help it if you're desirable, sweetheart…it's not my fault that you're incredibly sexy."

"Oh wow," she laughed; "You're pulling out all the stops aren't you?"

"What, you think I'm not sincere?" he asked. "I've always found you incredibly sexy and desirable…you have to know that since this has always been a favorite habit of ours."

A smile tugged at her lips despite herself. "I guess that's true…I have been backed into plenty of dark corners and convinced to do things in places I normally wouldn't have done."

"That time in the elevator was fun, wasn't it?" he chuckled.

"Apparently so, you don't seem able to forget it."

"Never," he said with a shake of his head. "I enjoyed that too much to forget it."

"Mhmm; your office too, right?"

"Hell yes…your office was pretty good too."

Johanna shook her head. "We took a lot of chances."

"I like adventure," Jim remarked. "Like that time I convinced you to go skinny dipping….remember?"

"Oh I remember…it wasn't the only thing you talked me into that night."

His smile widened. "Right; that was also the night I finally talked you out of a bikini and into the backseat."

Johanna smirked at him. "You're so proud of yourself."

"What's not to be proud of?" he laughed.

Her fingertips caressed his cheek, warmth spreading through her as she looked into his eyes that she had always loved so much, that smug smile on his lips. She couldn't suppress the urge to kiss away that smirk, much to his delight.

"Coming around to my way of thinking are you, Sassy?" he murmured.

"I didn't say that."

"Your words didn't say it but your kisses and your eyes are another story….they're practically begging."

"They are not," she laughed.

"Who are you going to believe, me or you?"

"Me…because you make it your life mission to get me into bed. I think it might be the only reason you come over here," she teased.

He tweaked her side. "It's not number one on my list for every day…but I never rule out the chance completely."

"No surprise there."

"Then you really should close your eyes and pretend this is a hotel room and let us get back to our habits," he said before silencing any protest she could conjure up with a series of heated kisses.

"I'm not against our habits…"

"I know."

"I just worry."

"Don't worry."

"I'm not really capable of that lately."

"I can make you forget for awhile though," Jim whispered against her ear.

"Forget everything but you?"

"I think it's a job I can pull off."

"I'm sure you can," she said with a soft laugh. "It's just…"

"It's just a room…just like it was the last two times we did this."

"And I said both of those times that we weren't going to make it a habit."

"We both knew you didn't mean it," he said lightly; finding his way back to that spot on her neck. "You know I can't get enough of you, sweetheart…especially when we have time to make up for."

That was the truth, she thought to herself as she fell silent, reveling in the feel of him…his kisses, his touch, his warmth. They had so much time to make up for…and she didn't want to deny either one of them…but this internal debate about it being the right place always had to be waged within the recesses of her brain…and she didn't want to think about it. She just wanted to be carefree like she had been during those past occasions he had mentioned.

Her eyes closed as Jim parted the material of her blouse, the heat of his hands seeping through the thin lace material of her bra, his lips following the path of his hands. "You're beautiful," he murmured against her skin, breathing in her scent.

Her breath caught, her fingers slipping through his hair once more, the time they had to make up for on her mind. She had spent so many years alone, missing him…missing this…his kisses and touches, his warmth, the soft words whispered against her skin that he never failed to make her believe in those precious moments. She had missed him so badly…missed the way he always made her feel, the way he made love to her. She had spent thirteen years starved for his affection and his love and their intimacy that went beyond the act itself. She wanted it all back…those few stolen encounters they had weren't enough for her either…and so she told that nagging logical side of her brain to shut up as her hands reached for the hem of his shirt and began to pull it upwards.

"Joining me at the hotel?" Jim asked as he allowed her to discard his shirt.

Johanna smiled as she gently pushed him back against the mattress. "Seems that way."

"What changed your mind?" he asked as he peeled the thin nylon blouse off of her and allowed it drop onto the bed beside them.

"I can't get enough of you either," she whispered, her lips brushing against his. "What hotel are we pretending to be at?"

He grinned at her, his fingers tangling in her hair as she dipped her head to press kisses against his chest. "Well if you had been wearing that silky nightgown, we could've pretended that we were in North Carolina and relieved that memory…and improved upon it."

"Next time," she told him. "I'll wear it next time."

He gave a short quiet laugh as he dragged his fingertips along her side. "Wow, I not only convinced you to give in this time, you're already thinking about next time…I must not have lost my touch."

"Not in the slightest bit," Johanna replied sassily, her gaze warm with love and desire.

"That's mutual you know," he said, cradling her cheek and bringing her lips back to his. "You certainly haven't lost your touch."

"That's good to know; because I was worried about it the first time."

He chuckled. "You didn't need to worry at all, trust me."

She allowed herself to settle against his chest for a moment. "You know me, I always worry…I worried our very first time…only then it was worry that I wouldn't please you in the way you hoped I would."

"Clearly you didn't need to worry then either…I kept coming back for more…I'm still here…still looking for more," Jim quipped.

Johanna laughed softly and then turned serious. "I'm glad you keep coming back to me…despite all the stupid things I do."

Jim shook his head. "It's always going to be you, Jo…and you haven't done anything stupid. Don't think about the other stuff…just think about us…just think about how much I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered.

"I know you do," he assured and then he smiled. "That's why we've got this very nice hotel room."

She smiled, her lips finding his once more. He always knew just what to say or do to bring her back to where she needed to be and she gave in willingly, allowing his kisses and touches to wipe away all the worries she had until a voice broke the quietness of the apartment.

"Mother!"

Johanna jerked away from her husband, her gaze flying to the door but it was still closed. " _That_ is why we can't do this here!" she hissed in a soft voice as she grabbed her shirt and pulled it on.

Jim sighed loudly. "I love her…but sometimes I don't like her."

"Jim!" she said, smacking his arm.

"Well she's got the worst timing," he muttered. "If it isn't the phone, she's just showing up when you don't want her to…like when she used to take those five minute naps as a baby."

"Well, you've got a point there," she remarked.

"Mother!" the voice called again.

Johanna was hurriedly buttoning her shirt as she scooted off the bed. "I'll be right there, Katie," she called out; hoping that guilt and desperation weren't detected in her tone.

"I'll wait for you here," Jim told her.

"Coward."

He laughed quietly as she rushed to the door and opened it, slipping out and shutting it behind her.

* * *

Kate regarded her mother with a raised brow and slight suspicion as she entered the living room, taking note of the fact that Johanna kept raking her fingers through her hair, and most damning of all was her blouse, the buttons fastened in the wrong holes, clearly without her notice. "So," she said; "What are you doing?"

Johanna shoved her hands into her pockets. "Laundry."

"Laundry," Kate repeated. "The laundry room is through the kitchen; you came from the bedroom."

"Well, I meant I was putting laundry away."

"Uh huh," she said with a nod; watching as her mother shifted slightly on her feet. "Where's Dad?"

She combed her fingers through her hair once more. "He's helping me."

Kate nearly scoffed, and couldn't quite keep the smirk off her lips. "I bet he is."

Johanna put a hand on her hip. "Just what is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing; I just thought maybe he helped you put that shirt on."

"I had this shirt on when you left."

"Yeah…but it doesn't seem like you've had it on the whole time I've been gone…it was buttoned right this morning."

Johanna glanced down at her blouse, silently cursing herself as she realized that she had slipped the buttons into the wrong holes. "Oh, that," she said with a slight nervous laugh. "I was changing when you came in so I just hurried up and re-buttoned it."

"Why would you suddenly be changing?" Kate asked; enjoying watching her mother squirm.

She shrugged a little. "Your father doesn't like this shirt."

Kate smiled. "Really, Mother; you fell for that 'I don't like your shirt, take it off' line?"

"No!"

"Sure. You just always change your clothes if he doesn't like what you have on."

"Sometimes I do," Johanna stated.

"Yeah, right," she laughed.

"He doesn't like it, so I was taking it off."

Kate nodded. "Giving into peer pressure to take your shirt off, huh?"

"Katie," Johanna sighed.

"It's okay; we all get that 'I don't like your shirt, take it off' line once in awhile. Some of us just don't give into the pressure to strip."

"It's not like that!"

"Sure it isn't…that's why you've got a hickey."

"I do not!"

Kate laughed. "Oh but you do, right about here," she said, pointing to the spot on her own neck. "Should I give you the lecture you gave me about that? You know the one, "That's really not appropriate for a girl your age."

Johanna's fingers brushed against the mark. "It's not a hickey."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Mosquito bite."

"Really? How did you suddenly get a mosquito bite when you've been locked in my apartment?"

"Bugs get into apartments and houses, you know that."

She gave a nod as she smirked. "Does Dad know you think of him as a blood sucking insect."

"No; that's always been our cute little nickname for you," Johanna remarked without missing a beat.

Kate laughed. "Hey; don't get mad at me…I've been at work…with my shirt on…unlike you."

"My shirt's on!"

"Clearly it hasn't been on the whole time," she laughed.

"You don't know that!"

"You said you were 'changing'," Kate reminded her.

"Just because it was unbuttoned doesn't mean it came off."

"Uh huh, sure it didn't."

"You can't prove anything!" Johanna hissed.

"I don't have to, you're wearing the evidence and Dad is hiding in your room."

"He's not hiding…he's putting away the laundry."

"Oh yeah; right, Dad just loves putting away laundry."

She smirked at her daughter. "He likes putting away mine."

"I guess so when you're doing wardrobe changes in front of him…probably makes him feel like he's getting paid."

"Well he's my husband, I figure I owe him a cheap thrill once in awhile," she remarked.

"Hmm, is that the secret to marriage? Cheap thrills?"

Her mother shrugged. "It doesn't hurt."

"At least we hope not, but at your age…"

"Don't even think about going down that road," she told her daughter. "Age is just a number and it doesn't hinder me in any way."

"Apparently," Kate quipped. "I mean if you were going to get injured, it would've probably been when you heard my voice and had to scramble away from whatever thrill you were going for."

Johanna glared at her. "Why are you here anyway? Shouldn't you be arresting someone or something?"

Kate gave a short laugh. "Well, um; let's see…this is my apartment… and it's my lunch break…and uh, there's this thing about you being under police protection…and I'm the police who's in charge of protecting you…but clearly your body was being guarded during my absence."

"It wasn't like that."

"Oh…so you were guarding his?"

"Can you leave now?" Johanna asked; "Because, I love you but I'm also starting to hate you a little at the moment."

Her daughter laughed. "Hey, I didn't know you were…busy…you should've sent me a text telling me that you were occupied with your 'laundry' and I wouldn't have stopped by."

"Well you should've called first."

"It's my apartment; I don't have to call first."

"You could as a courtesy."

"So I should just automatically assume that Dad doesn't like what you're wearing so you're stripping and getting bitten by mosquitoes?"

"Go away, you little brat!"

Kate laughed. "Is that anyway to talk to your police protection?"

"You're going to need police protection if you don't leave."

"Anxious to get back to your laundry, huh?"

"Katherine."

"Oh, full name, you must need to get that laundry put away really bad."

"Go away!"

"Okay," Kate laughed. "I'm going, keep your shirt on."

"That is so not funny."

"I thought it was," she quipped. "But I will go now that I see you're in no need of protection…or are you? Do we need to have that talk?"

"No," Johanna said with a smirk; "But I'm starting to wish that someone had offered a condom in February 1979."

Kate grinned at her. "Hey, you could've said no…I mean what happened anyway; you were sorting some laundry and he didn't like the underwear you had on so you had to take them off?"

Her mother narrowed her eyes at her. "No, I ordered champagne and volunteered to take off anything he wanted as long as I didn't have to go to his family reunion…we just didn't realize you were in the fine print of that deal."

Kate cringed a little. "Okay; I'm going back to work."

"Not so funny now, is it?"

She glanced at her mother. "Yeah; it kind of is…when you're standing there with your shirt buttoned wrong and a mark on your neck…pretending you're doing laundry…is that what your generation calls it, 'doing laundry'?"

"Please go away!"

She laughed. "Hey; I'm not judging, if laundry is what does it for you two, go for it, just plan ahead so I don't have to walk into it."

Johanna ran her hand through her hair in agitation. "God; I feel like I'm sixteen and you're my mother."

"If you think that's bad, how do you think I feel?" Kate said with a laugh. "I feel like I should be threatening to ground you, send you to a convent and warning you not to bring home any babies for me to raise."

Her mother glared at her. "One day, we're going to go back to me being the mother and you being the daughter and you're going to be very, very sorry."

"You say that like I'm not right now," she chuckled. "Because believe me, interrupting your 'laundry' was not on my to do list today. I'll go now and let you get back to it."

"I'm pretty sure I'm done with the laundry."

"Dad's going to be so disappointed," she quipped as she headed for the door. "And tell him, he totally proved you're not doing laundry by hiding back there and letting you take the fall."

"Maybe he's taking a nap."

"Laundry can be exhausting."

"Okay, you're done here," Johanna said. "Please be careful and never say the word laundry to me again."

"Oh I'm definitely going to say it to you again," Kate remarked. "I pretty much have to now; so you have fun with your laundry…make sure your buttons are right and your hickey covered before I get home. I don't need to see the evidence."

"I hope you've had fun…you will pay one day; and you will pay dearly."

"Sure; if it that gets you through the day, Mother," she laughed as she opened the door. "I'll call before I come home."

"Don't bother," Johanna told her. "You've been a very effective mood killer…as always."

"If you didn't want your mood killed; you should've bought condoms before you ordered the champagne back in 1979."

"Katie?"

"What?"

"Bite me."

Kate smirked at her and tapped the mark on her neck. "I'm pretty sure Dad's got that covered; see you later."

"I can hardly wait," her mother stated as she shut the door and locked it, frowning at the sound of her daughter's laughter as she walked away from the door.

Johanna made her way back to the guest room, pushing the door open and glaring at her husband who was still laying on her bed. "Welcome back, sweetheart," Jim said, a grin on his lips.

"Don't even act like you didn't hear every word," she replied.

"I did but I didn't laugh out loud, aren't you proud of me?"

"No! Just let me out there to fend for myself…making me look guilty!"

"You are guilty," he laughed.

"It's all your fault," she told him.

"My fault?"

"Yes; you lured me into this."

"You can't lure the willing, Jo…and believe me, you were willing."

"Uh huh; I hope you cherished that moment."

He grinned as he sat up and reached for her. "Come on, sweetheart; come back over here and let's recapture that moment."

"Forget it; you got me in trouble."

"I did no such thing," he laughed.

"You could've told me I buttoned my shirt wrong!"

"I didn't notice, you were in a hurry."

"A likely story," she said as she rounded the bed to stand before him as he sat on the edge. "And what did I tell you about leaving marks on me?"

Jim grinned at her as his hands slipped around her waist. "To put them in places where people can't see them?"

"So you remember the rule and yet I have a mark on my neck?"

"Yes, yes you do," he replied.

"Why?"

Jim laughed. "Because I like to brag?"

Johanna smirked and gave his shoulder a shove. "Jackass."

"I'm your jackass; that you love and adore…and want badly."

She scoffed. "Who told you that?"

"You…when you let me get your shirt off."

"I'd like to amend my statement," she remarked, a smirk on her lips. "You're a smug jackass."

"But still yours," he quipped, pulling her down onto his lap.

"Don't you forget it," she replied.

"Never, sweetheart," Jim murmured, his lips brushing against her neck as his fingers fell to the buttons of her shirt.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Helping you with your buttons," he replied as he slipped them from their holes.

"Jim…we can't do this," Johanna said, his hand warm against her skin.

"Sure we can; she left…and we already had this discussion and agreed that we could."

"How can you still want to when she almost caught us?"

"It's easy, I just think about how well it was going before she interrupted," he said with a chuckle as he pressed a kiss against her collar bone.

"We really shouldn't…"

"She's gone now…she won't be back until the end of the day."

"I don't know," she said hesitantly. "She knows…"

"Well, sweetheart, I'm sure it's not a shock to her…I mean she does know that we didn't pluck her out of a cabbage patch, right? You did have that talk with her, didn't you? You said you did."

"Yes, I had that talk with her! But still…"

He laughed softly as he pressed kisses against her throat. "Just forget that she showed up…close your eyes and pretend it's 1978 and we don't have a kid yet."

"Really?" she laughed.

"Yeah; you pretend the time is different and I'll make you feel all better," he told her before capturing her lips in a kiss.

Johanna sighed, her fingers sinking into his hair, she really shouldn't do this…but she did want him…and she did want to recapture the moment. "Fine, but make it fast."

"That's not sounding like 1978…that's sounding more like early 1980…'ok, the baby's asleep, hurry up before she starts crying again'."

Johanna glared at him, a small smile on her lips. "Take what you can get or do without until further notice."

Jim nodded and slipped her shirt off of her for the second time that day. "1980 it is."

* * *

Later that day, Johanna swatted Jim's hand away from the bowl of celery she had chopped up. "Stop eating all the celery or I won't have enough for in the potato salad."

"I'm hungry," he stated. "We missed lunch."

"Whose fault is that?" she asked, a small smile playing on her lips.

"Yours."

"Mine? You're the one who couldn't keep your hands to yourself."

Jim grinned at her and stole a few more pieces of celery. "It's not my fault that you're irresistible…just like it's not my fault that you can't resist me."

"I wanted to resist," Johanna stated lightly. "Especially after we got caught."

"Yes, I know…but you didn't resist in the end," he laughed.

"That's your fault…you too damn persuasive for your own good."

"I did give a very persuasive argument, didn't I?" he gloated.

Johanna smirked at him. "I'm not answering that; I stroked your ego enough today."

"How do you figure?"

"I don't think I need to spell it out for you."

"Oh, you mean how you let me convince you that the memory of 1980 wasn't enough…and we decided to pretend it was 1976…which was a lot more sa…"

"I know what it was," she interrupted. "I was there."

Jim laughed. "You know it was fun."

"Except for getting caught…I probably won't ever live that down."

"Well…it could've been a lot worse than it was," he stated; "And if she doesn't let you live it down by tomorrow, you just tell some of her childhood stories when her friends are around."

"I have been tempted to do that at times," she admitted.

"There you go, problem solved…she'll keep your secrets if you keep hers."

Before she could comment, her phone rang and she wiped her hands on the dish towel and grabbed it, sighing as she did so. "Hello, Katie."

"I'll be home in fifteen minutes," Kate stated. "Go look in the mirror and make sure your buttons are correct."

"My buttons are just fine, thank you very much."

"Double check anyway," her daughter told her. "I'll be there shortly."

"I'll be here," Johanna said before ending the call and laying the phone down. "Katie will be home in fifteen minutes."

Jim nodded and glanced at his watch before pushing his chair back. "Since Katie's on her way; I'm going to go ahead and go."

Johanna looked up at him in surprise. "What do you mean you're going to go? I'm making dinner."

"I know, but I can't stay."

"Why; because of earlier? You don't want to put up with Katie's comments, is that what it is?"

"No; it's nothing like that."

"Then sit down; dinner will be ready in a little while."

"I can't," Jim remarked. "I have a meeting to go to. Come lock the door."

Johanna shoved her chair back with a little more zeal than necessary and followed her husband to the living room; a small sense of betrayal growing in the pit of her stomach. "What meeting? You didn't mention any meeting."

"It's for a case I'm going to do some work on," he replied as he paused at the door.

She shook her head, disbelief in her eyes. "You didn't mention any meeting, Jim."

"That doesn't mean I don't have one," he said, his hand slipping around her waist.

"If you had a meeting, why didn't you tell me?"

"It slipped my mind."

"Sure it did," she scoffed.

Jim smiled and captured her lips in a kiss. "Can I help it if you distract me?"

"I think you're just leaving because you want to hear Katie's comments. You want me to deal with it alone…you're being a coward."

He laughed, giving her a gentle pat on her backside as he kept her in the circle of his arms. "You were calling me nicer things earlier."

"You were being nicer earlier," she stated; ignoring his attempt at humor. "You didn't tell me you weren't staying."

Her husband sighed. "I don't always stay, Jo; you know that."

"I know…but you usually at least stay for dinner…you haven't mentioned anything about not staying."

"I didn't say I was either."

"No; but again, you also didn't say you weren't."

"Jo, don't be like this," he murmured. "It's not like I'm not coming back."

Hurt rippled through her and she pulled away from him. "Is that some kind of shot at me?"

His eyes widened. "No; of course not. Don't be ridiculous."

"Then stay," she said softly; not believing for a moment that he really had a meeting to rush off to so suddenly.

He tugged her back into his arms, holding her tightly. "I can't; I have to go. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Come back tonight after you're finished," she pleaded; feeling like the bubble they had been in all day had shattered.

"I don't know when I'll be finished."

"You've got a lot of excuses to stay away tonight, don't you?"

"Johanna," he said, his tone somewhat firm; "You know that I still work. No, I'm not in the courtroom anymore but you know that I work on putting cases together. I haven't been taking as many jobs as I have been so I can be here; but I can't quit completely to be here all the time because then people would be suspicious of that sudden change. I have to keep taking on things occasionally, you know that."

The remarks wounded her and took the shine off the afternoon they had spent together. "Take all the jobs you want," she told him. "Don't decline anything on my account. I'm fine without supervision. I've been alone for a long time…I'm used to the silence."

Jim wrapped her in another tight hug. "Don't be like that, Johanna. I know we had a nice day together and you don't want me to leave. I don't want to leave either but I have to. I really do have work to do this evening."

"Then go," she replied softly as she pulled away once more. "Don't let me keep you."

He gave her a small smile, his hand cradling her cheek. "I'll be back tomorrow, I promise."

"I know."

His thumb brushed across her cheek bone. "Are you going to kiss me so I can go?"

"If I don't, will you stay and forget about your sudden 'meeting'?"

"No; I'll still have to go…but I'd rather have a kiss before I leave."

Johanna suppressed her hurt and brewing anger for long enough to kiss him. "Bye."

Jim laughed quietly as he shook his head. "You're so damn stubborn, sweetheart."

"I'm not the one who's leaving after getting what he wanted."

"Come on, don't be like that," he told her. "You know it's not the way you're making it seem. I do have to go but I'll call or text you later."

There it was, the male kiss off that translated into 'thanks for the sex, see you when I want to do it again', she thought to herself; after all, he had labeled it as a 'nice day'…clearly it had meant more to her than it did to him. That was probably typical but it still hurt a little…especially when she felt like he was abandoning her a little now that he had what he wanted. "Won't you be too busy working?" she couldn't help but ask, a touch of tartness in her tone.

"I'm not going to be that busy that I can't talk to you like usual," Jim remarked before stealing one more kiss. "I have to get going…don't look at me like that."

"What look would you prefer?"

"Your smile," he told her.

"Fine," Johanna said, pasting a smile on her lips. "See you later."

"I love you," Jim said as he opened the door.

"Yeah…I love you too."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah; you keep telling me that," Johanna stated; feeling her emotions rising to the surface as a hint of rejection filled her veins. "Just go; don't worry about me…you have better things to do now. It's fine."

"We'll discuss it later," he told her; "But it's not something 'better' to do…it's just something I have to do."

"Go do it then, I'm not stopping you," she told him. "It's fine…really."

He couldn't resist stealing one more kiss. "I'll talk to you later…lock the door."

Johanna shut the door and locked it, doing her best not to cry as her chin quivered in response to the emotions surging through her body. She moved back to the kitchen to continue preparing dinner, telling herself that it would be foolish to cry…what had she expected anyway? It wasn't like they were able to live their lives normally…but still…she hadn't expected him to leave like that.

* * *

Johanna was silently stewing over Jim's hasty departure when she heard the door open.

"I'm home," Kate called out.

"I'm in the kitchen, Katie," she answered; somewhat dreading her daughter's appearance.

Kate entered the kitchen with a smirk on her lips. "It's safe for me to be here?" she asked.

"Does it look like anything nefarious is going on?" Johanna asked while pouring the dressing over the potato salad.

"No," Kate replied as her gaze swept over her. "It looks like you got all of your buttons in the right holes this time. Did you cover your 'mosquito bite'?" she asked using air quotes.

"It's been taken care of," Johanna remarked, thinking to herself that she had covered up one other one as well.

"Good…and you're through with the laundry for today? I don't need to leave after dinner, do I?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "Believe me, it's finished."

Kate laughed. "Is Dad still hiding in your room?"

"No…he left."

"He left?" she repeated, amusement in her tone. "How come? Did the laundry service exhaust him and he had to go home and take a nap? Maybe you shouldn't give him so many chores; he's not as young as he used to be," she teased.

"That's what you think," Johanna said as she took a bite of the salad. "Trust me, age is just a number…and while some of us may have a number that indicates middle age; we don't feel anywhere near the number assigned to us. We're not hindered in any way."

"More information than I needed to know," Kate remarked.

"Well you keep opening the door for it."

"It's hard to ignore the elephant in the room…I'm just glad I yelled for you and didn't go open your bedroom door."

"Yeah; we're all thankful for small favors."

Kate eyed her at the touch of tartness in her tone. "I expected you to be in a better mood…all things considered. You two didn't end up fighting, did you?"

"No."

"Then what's wrong?"

"He left," Johanna stated as she moved to the stove to check the burgers.

"He left…why?"

"He claims he has a meeting."

"You don't believe him?" she asked.

"No," Johanna replied. "I don't believe him."

"Why?"

"Because he didn't mention this so called meeting until I told him you were coming home…and then all of a sudden he's up and out the door to his 'meeting'."

Kate laughed softly. "You don't really think he's lying, do you?"

"You have to admit, it looks awfully suspicious."

"Maybe…did you ask him why he didn't mention it?"

"He said he forgot."

"Well…that probably happens when you have him on the laundry detail."

"Shut up," Johanna replied.

She laughed once more. "So you're mad at him now?"

Johanna turned to face her. "Well how would you feel?" she exclaimed. "One minute you're…and the next minute he suddenly has a meeting and he's running out on you. How would you feel about that if you were me?"

Kate pondered it for a moment. "Well…Lanie and I have a name for that."

"What is it?"

"We call that the wham, bam, thank you ma'am experience."

Johanna considered that for a second. "That sounds fitting…although I just call it, you got what you want and now you have better things to do."

"Our way is shorter."

"That's true…but either way…that's what it feels like…doesn't it seem like it?"

"He didn't mention the meeting at all?" Kate asked.

"No! Never at any point of the day. He didn't say anything until you called."

"Did he leave because of me? Because…you're my parents, it's my God given right to torment you; he should know that will happen whether he leaves or not…I mean I can just call him on the phone if I want to annoy him that badly," Kate remarked.

"That's true," Johanna replied with a nod. "I did mention that I thought it was because of you…and that he was just being a coward. He denied it and stuck to his meeting story."

"Do you want me to go drive by the house after dinner?"

She shook her head. "No…he might think we'd think of that idea and he'll just go somewhere to make it look good. I can't believe he did that!"

"It does seem wrong," Kate agreed. "But you know what Grandma Beckett always said."

"She said so many things," Johanna remarked; "Remind me."

Kate laughed a little. "She always said, a man won't buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free."

Johanna smirked at her daughter. "Well she knew that was a lie…she knew her son got the milk and married me anyway."

"Alright, then I can remind you of what you always said…sometimes men are stupid."

"That one still applies.

"You didn't have any disagreement at all?" Kate asked; still slightly puzzled by her father's behavior.

"No; everything was fine…I thought we were happy…he saw me making dinner; I was making enough for all of us; and then suddenly he's running out on me. Oh, and I forgot the worst part."

"I thought the worst part was when I walked in this afternoon; but go ahead," Kate said.

Johanna ignored the comment, too irritated with her husband to care about her daughter's digs. "When I'm asking him to stay, telling him I don't believe this meeting business, he says 'I'll call or text you later'…now, I know that you don't like discussing this with me, and I totally understand that…but I've been out of the game for a long time, but am I wrong in remembering that "I'll call you" is the main kiss off from a man after he's gotten what he wants and no longer requires you for the rest of the day."

"Well," Kate said hesitantly; "He does call and text you in the evenings…"

"But?"

"But…I would feel the same way in your place."

Johanna frowned. "That's what I thought."

"But on the other hand, he might really be at a meeting and he'll call later and everything will be fine."

Her mother scoffed. "Sure, a meeting after five that just suddenly came to mind…he just didn't want to stay with me…and he could've just said so."

Kate wrapped her in a quick hug. "Don't worry; it'll be alright…he'll call…and I swear I didn't mean that in a sarcastic way."

"I know you didn't," Johanna replied. "Enough of my problems; go get ready for dinner, I'll get it on the table."

She gave her mother a small smile. "It'll work out…but still punish him for having this moment of insensitivity."

"What do you suggest?"

Kate grinned. "Kick him off the laundry detail."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Go get ready for dinner…and don't say another word about laundry or you don't eat."

"I'll try to control myself," Kate quipped.

* * *

As Kate settled down on her end of the sofa after her shower that evening, her phone buzzed and she grabbed it from the coffee table, hoping it wasn't the precinct asking her to come back. Relief swept through her veins as she saw that the message was from her father.

" _Is your mother alright?"_ he had written.

Kate's brow furrowed as she looked at the message and then subtly glanced at her mother who was at the opposite end of the sofa filling in the answers of the People magazine crossword puzzle. _"Yeah, why?"_

" _I've texted her twice and she hasn't answered me."_

Kate smiled; it just kept getting better. "Hey," she said, glancing at her mother. "Did you ignore Dad's text?"

"Yes," Johanna replied, her gaze remaining on her puzzle. "Why do you ask?"

"Because he texted me to see if you were alright."

"I'm fine…tell him I'm 'working'."

Her daughter laughed. "Oh my God, really?"

"Yes; please feel free to tell him that."

"My pleasure," Kate remarked as she typed her response to her father. _"She's fine; she's just working."_

She counted off thirty seconds before the phone buzzed with his response. _"Working on what?"_

Kate smirked at the screen. _"My guess would be that she's working hard to prove to you that she's not your personal call girl."_

Jim's response came quickly, much to her amusement. _"Okay, number one, you go up for adoption tomorrow; and number two, it wasn't like that."_

"Dad just threatened to put me up for adoption," Kate reported to Johanna.

Her mother shook her head. "No; I won't allow that to happen."

"That's what I thought," she replied, tapping the new message quickly. _"Mom says I'm not allowed to be adopted…and as for the other thing, it kind of looks like it was like that."_

" _It wasn't."_

" _I don't know…I'm the one looking at her and she does have the look of a woman who had a wham, bam, thank you ma'am experience."_

" _IT WAS NOT LIKE THAT!"_

" _Sure it wasn't."_

" _I really did have a meeting!"_

" _Sure you did."_

" _I did! I swear I did."_

" _Better watch out for lightning strikes."_

" _You are just like your mother!"_

" _Thank you; it's a relief to know that…I mean think about how awful it would be if I was like my father…who at this point in his life should know that women don't like the wham, bam, thank you ma'am treatment."_

" _Quit saying that."_

" _Okay; booty call."_

" _NEVER SAY THAT!"_

"Are you tormenting your father?" Johanna asked.

Kate smiled. "Yes."

"That's my girl," her mother murmured.

She thought for a moment as she composed her next message. _"Well how is she supposed to feel when you go from romancing her to running out the door to some 'meeting' that you obviously hadn't mentioned at any point of the day? I expect behavior like that from idiots I've dated…my mother shouldn't expect it from her HUSBAND!"_

" _Can we not talk about this?"_ Jim replied.

" _No problem, talk to your wife about it."_

" _I don't think she's speaking to me."_

" _Gee, I wonder why…"_

" _Shut up, Katie."_

She smiled at the screen. _"Hey, don't get mad at me, you're the one who messed up. I mean a girl doesn't want to think that her father goes around making women feel cheap."_

" _It's just a misunderstanding…I'll fix it."_

" _Please do."_

Kate laid her phone aside and glanced at her mother once again. "So, is this what you and Dad were like when you were dating?"

Johanna shrugged a little. "It depended on what week it was…sometimes we were like this before we were dating."

She nodded. "You ignored his calls then too?"

"We didn't have caller ID back then…I either didn't answer anyone's calls or I hung up on him."

Kate laughed softly. "Did you hang up on him a lot?"

"No…just on special occasions where it seemed called for."

She shook her head, her gaze still upon her mother. "You know on one hand, I think this whole thing is cute and amusing and then on the other hand, as your daughter, I'm…slightly horrified."

Johanna nodded. "I know that feeling…as a daughter…and as a mother."

"Your phone is buzzing," Kate remarked.

"I hear it," Johanna said as she went on filling in letters on the puzzle.

"Really, you're going to ignore him again?"

Her mother met her gaze. "I'm still working."

Johanna's phone grew quiet and Kate's buzzed. "I guess he's back to me," she stated.

"I guess so."

Kate opened the message and read it. _"Tell your mother to answer her phone; how is she supposed to forgive me if she ignores me?"_

"Dad wants you to answer the phone."

"I'm sure he does," she replied. "Personally, I would've liked a little consideration, but apparently that was too much to ask…despite everything."

"So you're still working?"

"Sure am; 25 across isn't going to fill itself in, you know."

Kate grinned and gave her attention back to her phone. _"She's still working."_

" _Just what is it that she's working on, and don't you dare say anything about being a call girl."_

" _A crossword puzzle."_

She counted off nearly a minute before her father responded. _"Seriously?"_

She smirked. _"Yes; what did you think she was doing? Taking applications for new 'laundry' helpers?"_

" _Stop that."_

Kate had to force herself not to laugh. _"I told you; she feels like she got the WBTYM treatment…since you don't want me to say the words."_

" _I don't know what I did to deserve you,"_ Jim wrote back.

" _You know what you did, you forgot to buy condoms in 1979."_

" _You are so up for adoption."_

" _I told you, my mother said that's not allowed."_

" _We'll see…maybe you can redeem yourself."_

Kate eyed her phone with suspicion. _"How?"_

" _Tell me how to get out of this."_

She laughed out loud, drawing her mother's attention to her. "What did he say?" Johanna asked.

"He wants me to tell him how to fix this problem with you."

Johanna gave a short laugh. "You tell him to figure it out on his own."

Kate held her gaze. "Are you sure?"

Her mother pondered that for a moment. "I don't know…I'm not used to anyone offering to tip him off…with my say so that is…usually he just stumbles all around the answer until he falls into it."

She laughed. "This is an awkward stage in all of our lives, isn't it?"

Johanna nodded. "Yeah; you could say that…in so many ways."

Kate couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her mother and the current predicament that they found themselves in. "I know…I'm sorry for picking on you earlier…it's just that humor keeps me from cringing."

"I understand," her mother replied. "It does help a little…because if you had just been completely horrified instead of amused it would make it all worse…and no I'm not being sarcastic; I'm completely serious."

"I know…I get it."

"I kind of hate my life," Johanna sighed.

"It'll get better."

"At least we hope so."

Kate gave her a sympathetic smile and then tapped out a reply to her father. _"I'd recommend the personal touch."_

His reply came quickly. _"Is that a crack about this afternoon?"_

"Oh my God, he's such a man," Kate muttered as she read the reply.

"What?" Johanna asked.

"I gave him a suggestion," she said as she handed her phone over; "Look how he took it."

Johanna read the suggestion her daughter had made and her husband's reply and laughed softly. "Yeah; he's such a man…see what I mean about that stumbling around thing."

"Yeah; I've gotten the picture…I have a feeling you've earned every piece of jewelry he ever gave you."

"At least the "I'm sorry" pieces," Johanna remarked as she handed the phone back.

Kate quickly typed back another message. _"No, it wasn't about this afternoon. It was a real suggestion…you know for someone who went to an Ivy League school and graduated with a law degree in the top ten of his class, you'd think you'd know these things."_

" _They didn't have a course in angry wife and sarcastic daughter, sorry; if they had, I would've signed up and spared us all."_

" _That would've been helpful."_

" _You should take a class in being helpful, Katie."_

" _I gave you a suggestion…I'm sure if you put your mind to it, you can come up with a worthy gesture and apology."_

A minute passed and he didn't reply so she laid her phone down on the cushion between her and her mother. "Well?" Johanna asked.

"He said I'm not helpful…and when I reminded him that he went to an Ivy League school and has a law degree and should be able to figure things out, he said that they didn't offer a course in angry wife and sarcastic daughter."

"It's a shame they didn't; it would've saved us all some time," her mother replied.

"I repeated my suggestion and he hasn't answered; so hopefully he's thinking."

"We can only hope," Johanna stated; before glancing to her daughter. "Am I wrong to be bothered by it?"

"Be bothered by what?"

"That he left the way he did…and that he didn't tell me about this alleged meeting until he was fleeing the scene…am I wrong? I mean…" she trailed off; wondering if perhaps this conversation wasn't one she could have with her daughter…after all, she had wished earlier that her daughter didn't know the things she did about how she had spent some of her day.

"You mean what?" Kate asked.

"I don't know," she sighed; "And you don't need mixed up in all of this, I'm sure it is horrifying and I don't want to taint your mind further."

"We agreed that we're adults and can talk about these things."

"Yeah; I know…and yet it doesn't make it easier."

She smiled. "Well, Mother; I'm all you have in the way of girl talk options at the moment…so just spit it out. You asked if you were wrong to be mad…I don't really think you're mad, I think you're hurt…and no, it's not wrong. He's your husband…and…you know…things were…cozy…and then he up and runs out on you with this meeting thing, conveniently when it's time for me to come home. So, yes, you have a right to be mad and hurt in my opinion. Now finish the statement you were going to make."

Johanna scribbled circles on the corner of the magazine page. "What I was going to say is that feeling this way does make it seem like we've just started to date or something…and we're married so…"

"Yeah, you're married…but you've also been forced apart for a long time, so in a way, it is like you're dating again to help rebuild your marriage, to get back to where you were…and you know, reconnecting. I think it's all normal and you don't have to feel bad about feeling miffed by what he did…because he should know better by this point in his life. I mean, dating feeling aside; he has been married to you long enough to know better."

"Good point," Johanna said with a nod.

"See, it's not so bad sometimes when we discuss these things…I can discuss your relationship issues way easier than mine," Kate quipped.

"I don't know, I think we've done pretty well with yours."

"True…you have been a big help with that," she told her; "And I appreciate it."

"I'm your mother, that's what I'm here for."

"And I'm your daughter…and when you need to discuss things, I can handle it…I might cringe a little inside, but I've got this, really, I do. I just think about all of the worse things I've seen or heard through work."

Johanna laughed. "Thanks a lot."

"That's what I'm here for," she quipped.

"You're just like your father."

"I've got a text from him saying that I'm like you."

"I'm afraid that debate will never be settled," her mother declared.

"Probably not…but is there anything else about this little to do today that's bothering you?"

"Yeah," Johanna said softly. "But I can't give you that one…I have to save it for him…if he ever wises up and comes over here to ask me to my face."

Kate nodded; she'd had a feeling that was what her mother wanted…she wanted him to come make his apologies in person. She wanted him to know exactly why she was bothered by what had happened and it wasn't something she wanted to convey through a text or a phone call. "I understand," she told her. "Just give him a few hours to decipher the meaning of 'personal touch' and he might pop up later."

"We can hope," Johanna said; knowing it wasn't the first time she had uttered those words that evening.

* * *

Later that evening, Johanna had already retreated to her room and Kate was in the process of turning off the television and the lights so that she could retreat to her room for the night as well. She was making her way across the room to check the locks on the door when a knock sounded. She had a feeling she knew who it was…at least she hoped it was who she thought it was.

"Who is it?" she asked as she stepped closer to the door.

"Take a wild guess," Jim answered from the other side.

Kate released the locks and pulled the door open. "It's about time," she said as she came face to face with her father. "I was starting to think I was going to have to draw you a picture to help you figure out what 'personal touch' meant."

He smirked at her. "Very funny."

"Well, what took you so long?"

"I had to form my plan and get some things," he replied.

Kate noticed the rose in his hand and a plastic bag. "Only one rose and some forgive me gifts that come in a plastic bag; yeah, that's impressive."

"Mind your own business, Katie."

"That's hard to do when your business is taking place in my apartment."

Jim sighed. "It's not an arrangement that any of us are pleased with, but it's how it has to be at the moment."

"I know."

"So…where's your mother? And don't say working."

Kate laughed softly. "She's in her room…I think she gave up on you coming around…and just for the record, she finished her crossword puzzle."

"Is she asleep?"

She smirked at him. "What do you think?"

"Okay, she's awake…are you going to bed…or what?"

"I'm going to bed," Kate replied; "But I do have good hearing and I'm right across the hallway, so you know…don't start any 'laundry'."

"We should've punished you more as a child."

"It's alright, Dad; I feel like I'm being punished now…I did walk in here unannounced this afternoon…during the laundry service."

"Go to bed, Katie."

She laughed. "You can do the crime but you don't want to do the time."

"I've been doing my time for nearly thirty-three years now, thank you very much," Jim remarked.

"What are you saying, I'm a life sentence?" she asked in amusement.

"That's essentially what parenthood is in some ways," he quipped.

"I'm telling my mother you said that when I see her in the morning."

"You do that, Princess; it'll make breakfast entertaining. Now run along like a good little girl and go to bed. I have to make my wife not be mad at me anymore…while not really understanding why she's mad in the first place."

"I explained that to you in the text," Kate stated as she checked the locks once more. "Remember, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

"What will it take for you to never say that again?"

"I don't know, I'll sleep on it and let you know. Goodnight, Dad…don't mess this up…for the second time in one day."

"You know, sometimes you remind me of my mother…and it scares me," Jim replied lightly.

"Go ask your wife to console you."

"I think I have to console her first."

"Well while you do that, remember…I'm across the hallway."

"Trust me, Katie; you've effectively killed even the slightest idea of the notion of anything more than a kiss."

She nodded. "Then my work here is done; goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Jim followed Kate down the hallway and waited until she was in her room with the door shut before he knocked on the guest room door.

"Come in," Johanna answered.

He opened the door and slipped inside, noting that instead of the brighter lamp on the nightstand, she had turned on the small dim lamp that sat on the corner of the crowded top of the dresser. His gaze sought her out, finding her propped up against her pillows, her laptop on her lap. "Hey, sweetheart."

She didn't smile as he hoped she would. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Shouldn't you be working or something?"

Jim smiled a little as he approached her side of the bed, setting his bag on the nightstand before offering the red rose to her.

"What's this for?" Johanna asked as she accepted it.

"The same thing as always…I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For having to leave earlier; because clearly you took it as some sort of betrayal."

Johanna shook her head at him. "Is that really what you think it's about?"

Jim shrugged. "It's the only thing I can figure. We were fine…more than fine…until I had to leave."

"It's not that you had to leave," she retorted. "It's the way you did it!"

"Meaning what? What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't tell me you were leaving until you were running out on me! You didn't mention this 'meeting' this morning…and you didn't mention it before you coaxed me into bed…nor was it mentioned between rounds of our little 'lets pretend' game this afternoon. You see me making dinner for the three of us and you don't once say that you're not staying. You don't say anything until you know Katie's on her way home and then suddenly you're up and out the door…like you got what you came for and you didn't need to stick around any longer now that someone else could babysit me."

"Jo, it wasn't like that."

"The hell it wasn't."

"It wasn't."

"Really?" she scoffed; "Because it's what it felt like to me. You got what you wanted from me…and we all know it…and you didn't want to face the other person who knew it, so you got to run away and I get to stay here and feel used and slightly humiliated."

Jim reached out and closed the lid of her laptop and then picked it up, carrying it to the other side of the room and setting it on the nightstand before returning to her side and sitting down on the edge of the bed. "We didn't do anything wrong this afternoon," he remarked quietly. "We're married…and I'm not ashamed of being in love with my wife…and I'm not ashamed of wanting to be with you in every way possible; and I'm not ashamed of making love to you. I left because I really did have a meeting to go to."

"Right…a meeting after five that you just suddenly remembered when we got our fifteen minute warning?"

"I'm not lying to you," he said sincerely.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I forgot."

"Oh please," she said, rolling her eyes. "You can't think up something better than that?"

"I meant to tell you," Jim replied.

"When?"

"I meant to mention it this morning, but then I was helping you and…other things came to mind that felt way more important."

"Like talking me into bed?"

Jim nodded. "Yes…because when an opportunity presents itself; I have to try and grab it…it just worked out that you were willing to be grabbed today."

"Jim," she muttered.

"I know…but it didn't seem to be the right topic of conversation when I was laying in bed with you. I thought it would kill the moment."

"Oh it's killed it alright."

"I'm sorry," he replied. "Honestly; I am…I realize now that leaving the way I did looks bad…especially after the way we spent the afternoon. It didn't have anything to do with being ashamed of anything or Katie coming home; it didn't have anything to do with being done for the day because I had gotten my way…and I don't consider my time with you as babysitting you, so I don't want to hear that accusation again."

"It's just how I feel sometimes…like you and Katie trade off the babysitting shifts."

Jim brushed his knuckles against her cheek. "It's not like that at all, sweetheart. I know I don't stay as much as you'd like, but you know why…you know Katie said that I have to stick to normal routines as much as I can so friends, colleagues or family don't get too suspicious about what I'm doing or how I spend my time."

"I know," she whispered.

"I'm never happy to leave you, Jo…you have to believe that."

She gave a soft nod, her gaze on the silky petals of her rose.

He pushed her hair back from her face, his fingertips lingering against her skin. "Then tell me what this is really about."

"It's nothing," Johanna murmured, swiping away a tear that broke free despite her resolve to hold it at bay. "I accept your apology and I'm sorry for ignoring your messages."

Jim shook his head. "No; you're not getting out of it that easy. Tell me what it is."

"It's stupid," she whispered, a few more tears rebelling and sliding down her cheeks.

"It's not stupid if it's bothering you," he replied quietly. "Now tell me what it is so I can make it better."

"I guess when you left the way you did…it just…it made me feel like it didn't mean anything to you, other than some fun and a way to kill some time," she said softly. "It meant something to me…and then suddenly it was like it didn't mean anything to you and it hurt; especially when this 'meeting' suddenly comes up and you just leave me here alone like I was just…a way to pass the time or something. I…well…it made it all feel cheap…it made me feel cheap…and used…and then discarded."

"Jo," he murmured; "I'm so sorry; I never meant to make you feel that way…I never _want_ you to feel that way. You've never been some distraction to pass the time…I can't deny that it was fun and a good way to spend the time, but it always means something to me…please don't ever think otherwise."

She sniffled a little, trying to make her tears stop but they kept falling against her will. "I told you, it's just me being stupid."

"You're not stupid…and it always means something to me; and don't take this the wrong way, but what was it about today that meant so much? Why did it mean so much today and then turn into you being so upset when I left the way I did, which I admit was bad on my part…but it wasn't like it was the first time we had been together and I just up and left afterwards."

"I know…but the first time; we were here alone all night, so you stayed and you only left because Katie needed me that morning and you didn't want to interfere because she's been opening up to me more about her problems."

"Right; and when I left that morning, we didn't have this issue that we have now. We didn't have this issue the second time either."

"I know…but you stayed the whole day…and you stayed for dinner and part of the evening."

"So it's because I left too soon this time?"

"Not exactly…it's…it's complicated."

"Tell me anyway," he coaxed, his hand patting her hip.

"It's the way you left…the way it felt like you made up an excuse to go because you hadn't mentioned any meeting earlier today. It felt like it didn't mean anything to you…and it meant something to me…it meant a lot to me…and I know it seems crazy when like you said, it wasn't the first time; but…"

"But what, sweetheart?"

"But this afternoon…when you asked me what changed my mind when I decided to give in…"

"What was it?" he asked. "What were you thinking this afternoon that made you give in and made you feel this way when I left; what was it? I'm not going to be mad, I'm not going to think it's stupid…I just want to understand."

Johanna blinked rapidly but the tears fell anyway. "This afternoon when we were here together…and you were working on convincing me…not that I ever have to be convinced to want you, because I always want you…its just the place, I have an issue with…"

"I know…go on."

"I just…I kept thinking about how I had been alone for so long," she whispered; "How lonely I've been for all these years; missing you and your love…and your touch…the way we'd make love. I was thinking about how starved I've been for so long for your affection…not just in the bedroom, but in all aspects of life and I kept thinking about how badly I want it all back. How I just want us to be normal again…I want to be the way we always were…and it felt that way today, like we were us again…and it meant everything to me; that we could just fall into old habits, that it was still as perfect as it always was…how good it felt to be wanted and loved and desired…instead of feeling filthy with lies and guilt and regret…I just felt the way I used to and it meant so much to me…that you still want me, that you still love me. That's why I gave in; because I just wanted to be with you…I wanted to feel all those things I was used to feeling before I had to leave. I'm not discounting the other times; they meant just as much; but sometimes it creeps up on me…the reminder of how lonely I've been and how long I've been that way…and I figured, you've been lonely too…and maybe it meant as much to you…and I…I just wanted to stay in that bubble with you…but then when you left the way you did today; I thought maybe I was wrong and it didn't mean anything to you."

"Sweetheart," Jim murmured as he reached for her. "I'm so sorry. I'm an idiot."

She gave a soft laugh as she clung to him. "No; I'm just…stupid."

"You're not stupid…I guess I never really thought about you thinking those things and feeling that way. I know you've been lonely…but I hadn't thought of it in those terms…and just so you know, you're right, I've been lonely for a long time too; missing you and wishing I could be with you again, in every way…not just the way we were this afternoon. I never meant to make you feel like I took you for granted this afternoon; because I didn't…I'm never going to take a single moment with you for granted…because all I've wanted for the last thirteen years was to have you back…and I finally got my wish…and I know things still aren't the way we'd like them to be, but I cherish every second with you and I swear it always means something to me. I want us to be the way we always were too…I never want us to be lonely for each other again. One day you'll be home with me and we'll have it all back just like we both want. I'm sorry that I ruined what we had today…you know that sometimes I'm an insensitive idiot."

Johanna gave a slight nod. "You have given me the memo a few times in the past."

He chuckled quietly and swiped away the tears on her cheek. "I'm glad you didn't shock me by denying it."

"It's hard to deny when you've given me so much proof at times," she said lightly despite her voice being husky with tears.

Jim smiled, his hand cradling her cheek. "That's my girl," he murmured before catching her lips in a soft kiss. "I'm sorry for fouling things up today…it won't happen again; I hope you can forgive me for being a fool."

"Don't I always?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied with a grin. "That's one of the things I like best about you."

Johanna laughed softly and then turned serious and melancholy once again. "Nothing you can do can ever be as bad as what I did to you."

He shook his head. "No; honey, we're not going down that rabbit hole. You did what you did because you had to and it's already been forgiven. You don't get to excuse my transgressions by measuring them up to something that you had no choice in doing. I was an idiot today and you got mad and upset like you're supposed to…and now I beg your forgiveness."

"You already asked for my forgiveness and I gave it to you."

Jim nodded. "Then we move on to the giving of the forgive me gifts."

"You didn't have to bring gifts."

"Sweetheart; I've been married for almost thirty-five years; I know better than to show up without gifts. You'd think I didn't take this seriously if I didn't bring gifts," he said as he reached for the bag. "Oh, wait, before the gifts; please let me present proof that I didn't lie to you."

"You don't have to prove it to me," Johanna told him as he pulled some folded up papers from the bag.

"I want to," he said as he unfolded his papers. "These are some papers Zach printed off for me of some things he wants me to look into; all of which I can do here with my laptop; I don't have to go to the office for it. But if you look down here at the bottom, it has the date and time it was printed…see…6:34…I was with Zach. He invited me over to dinner so we could discuss business."

"Okay, I accept your proof…you had a meeting…I'd just like to know about it before you're walking out the door…especially after you've spent half the day in bed with me."

"Noted," Jim replied. "I've learned my lesson, I promise. Now we can get to the forgive me gifts."

"You really didn't have to bring gifts…the rose was enough," she told him.

"Don't worry about it…it's not jewelry," he said with a laugh.

Johanna gave his shoulder a gentle shove, an amused smile on her lips. "Not even a cheap piece?"

"No; I couldn't find any worthy of you," he replied; "But first, I did find you this book of People magazine crossword puzzles…since you consider them to be important work."

She smirked at him as she accepted the book. "I was mad at you."

"I noticed…please just cuss me out in text messages instead of ignoring me, it makes me worry when you don't answer."

"I'm sorry I didn't answer…and next time I will definitely cuss you out in text messages."

Jim smiled. "I can just imagine what they'll say but hopefully it'll be awhile before I make you mad again."

"Yes; I hope so too…I don't like being mad at you…I'd rather spend our time in other ways."

"Me too," he replied as he pulled the next item from the bag. "I saw these and thought you'd like them."

"Skittles candles?" she laughed as she accepted the two small boxes. "Are you sure these aren't for Katie?"

"No; they're for you; they're strawberry, I know you like strawberry…and they smell good, smell them."

Johanna sniffed the candle through the opening in the box. "They do smell good."

"Do you want to light them?" he asked, taking a lighter from the bag.

She eyed him with suspicion. "Don't get any ideas, Jim."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about…we can light the candles but don't get any ideas…Katie's home."

"Trust me, sweetheart; your daughter made it her mission to vanquish ideas from my mind by saying things I did not want to see in a text message and by reminding me a few times that she's across the hallway."

"Good to know…and I won't even mention how she's always my daughter when she's doing something you don't like."

"Funny how that works out, huh?" he said as he took the boxes from her hands and pulled out the small glass candle holders that held the pink strawberry candles.

"It is," she agreed. "She took care of all your ideas, huh?"

"For now," he said while he lit the candles and sat one on each nightstand. "But when she goes to work, all bets are off."

"Jim!" she exclaimed softly.

"You were mad at me, now we're making up…you know the rules of proper making up…we just have to delay that one part until tomorrow."

"Today wasn't enough for you?"

"I told you, I can never get enough of you…but like I said, we're making up…and sweetheart; I don't make the rules but I do like to follow them in this case."

"I'm sure you do," she quipped as he reached into the bag once again. "There's more?"

"Yes," Jim said as he handed her a handful of candy bars. "I thought you might want chocolate."

"I can always use a chocolate stash, thank you," she said as she accepted the candy and then opened her nightstand drawer and put them inside. "I hide my candy there when I don't want to share it with a certain daughter."

"Your secret is safe with me," he remarked; his hand in the bag once again.

"More?"

"Mhmm, I knew you'd like this," Jim said as he took a cd from the bag and gave it to her. "The Eagles greatest hits…it has our song on it…we could put it in your laptop and listen to it."

Johanna laughed softly as she glanced at the cd. "A rose, chocolate, candles and music…you were totally going for a mood here."

"Yes; a please forgive me mood…I wandered aimlessly through a store trying to find things that would fit the bill of forgive me gifts. The cashier gave me an odd look while he was ringing this stuff up and so I said "I made my wife mad at me and my preferred jewelry store closed at six." He nodded and said 'I understand completely but maybe you should've waited."

She giggled. "He did not say that."

"He did, I swear he did. I told him I was just hoping that it was the small gift kind of mad…if not, I'd go to the jewelry store tomorrow."

"You didn't have to bring me any gifts," Johanna told him. "I just wanted you."

He gave her a smile as he caressed the curve of her face. "I like to bring gifts just in case."

She shook her head at him and glanced at the cd once again. "We'll listen to this tomorrow so we don't bother Katie."

"Alright; do you want me to get something to put your rose in first?"

"Yeah; you could get me a glass of water to put in…the vase you brought that one time would be a little big for just one rose."

"Alright, I'll be right back."

"Wait," Johanna said as she grabbed his hand.

"What?"

"Are you staying tonight…or are you going back home?" she asked; hating how vulnerable she felt in regard to the question and everything that had happened that day.

"Of course I'm staying," Jim replied, his hand squeezing hers. "I'm not going anywhere."

Her emotions caught up with her once again and she smiled through her tears, shaking her head slightly at her own behavior.

"What is it, sweetheart?"

"I don't know…I guess I just sometimes feel like I'm out of practice."

"Out of practice at what?"

"At being a wife," she murmured.

Jim put the cd and her rose on the nightstand and took her hands. "I assure you that isn't the case…you're not out of practice at all, trust me."

"I feel like I am at times…like today…it's like we're in some kind of awkward dating phase and yet we're married."

He gave her a smile. "Well, sweetheart; remember, you did tell me once that just because we were married didn't mean I got to quit dating you."

She laughed softly, the memory coming to mind. "That's true, I did tell you that."

"So it's perfectly fine that we have a dating moment now and then…and I'm sure once you're settled in at home with me, it won't feel that way anymore. But trust me, you're not out of practice…you're just like you always were; everything is fine…right down to me doing something stupid and insensitive and you getting mad about it, so clearly we're on the right path."

Johanna smiled as she caressed his face. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"You should get ready for bed," she murmured.

"I will, but first I'll get you some water for your rose."

Johanna waited quietly, merely watching as Jim came back with a glass of water and placed her rose in it and sat it on her nightstand. She watched as he quietly moved around her room; opening the drawer where some of his clothes were mixed in with hers for those times when he had to stay without warning. He got ready for bed and then slipped into his spot next to her, reaching for her and pulling her close.

"I'm sorry," Johanna murmured.

"For what, sweetheart?"

"For seeming like a jealous, betrayed girlfriend."

He laughed quietly, brushing a kiss against her hair. "It's alright…I find it flattering."

She shifted a little so she could see his face. "Flattering?"

He nodded. "Yeah…after all these years, you still want me all to yourself…why wouldn't I be flattered by that?"

"I guess when you put it like that; it doesn't seem like too much of a bad thing."

"Exactly," he murmured; "And it's flattering that you still want me at this stage of our lives."

"I can't ever imagine not wanting you."

"I feel the same way…but you know, we get those cracks about our age sometimes from the smartass across the hall."

Johanna giggled softly. "Well I set her straight about that…I told her that age is just a number and doesn't hinder us in any way at all…thank God."

He gave her hip a soft squeeze as he laughed quietly. "That's right; we're not being punished by a number yet."

"And we're not going to let it happen for a long time."

"Definitely not…especially when we're punished enough by a daughter who makes interruptions a habit."

"Jim," she laughed.

"Well, you know it's true."

"It is," Johanna said with a nod. "But we love her anyway."

"Yes, we do…even though it was difficult to remember that earlier today."

She brushed a kiss against the line of his jaw. "I am sorry though…about doubting you."

"I don't blame you; I made myself look bad."

"You had to come back over here tonight and you didn't want to," she murmured. "Well, really you didn't have to…you could've just let me stew."

"That's never a good option," Jim remarked. "I've had little success with that in the past; and besides…I didn't mind having an excuse to come back."

"You don't need an excuse…you can always just come back."

"I know…but I try to share you with our daughter…even though sometimes I don't want to," he said lightly. "So you see, you shouldn't worry about feeling jealous of a job…because I remember a few times when I was jealous of my own baby because she got more attention than I felt I was getting from you…and I felt like an idiot and a bad parent for feeling that way, so you're completely fine."

She smiled, her hand moving across his chest in a soft caress. "It was normal for you too…but those were the days, huh?"

"Yeah…but we have plenty of good days ahead too."

"I'm looking forward to them," she murmured.

"Me too…I almost brought my laundry with me so I could help you with it tomorrow," he teased, his hand gliding over her hip sensuously.

"I thought you said you didn't have any ideas."

His lips grazed against her temple. "Well, sweetheart; what can I say? Ideas return quickly when you're snuggled close like this."

She gave a soft laugh. "Well you just better tell your ideas to settle down…because we aren't alone tonight…and we don't have anymore laundry."

"I can go get mine tomorrow."

"You just want me to do your laundry," she laughed.

"Among other things," he quipped.

Johanna propped herself up on her elbow, smiling at him before catching his lips in a soft kiss. "We'll discuss it in the morning."

"The laundry or the other things?"

She grinned. "I'm not sure I can think of one without the other at the moment, thanks to your efforts and your daughter's teasing."

Jim smiled. "You can't say we don't keep you entertained."

"Definitely not," she replied; "But if you should convince me of anything tomorrow…we're going to plan it better."

He nodded. "That's a good idea…I don't want to have anymore text conversations with Katie like the one we had tonight."

She scoffed. "If that's the only hardship you got out of today, you got off easy…I'm the one who had to face her when she came in at lunchtime."

"True…tomorrow we plan better."

"Agreed," Johanna said as she settled back against his chest. "They'd plan better…and she'd hope for the day when she'd be back in her own home would come quickly…because then she wouldn't have to worry about anyone knowing about what occurred when she allowed her husband to help her with the laundry.


	10. Chapter 10- Monsters in the Dark (Redo)

_A/N: This scene would go between chapters 38 and 39 of Apologize, Johanna's first night home after Bracken's arrest._

Chapter 10- Monsters in the Dark

Johanna was trapped…trapped in one of those terrifying dreams, knowing it was a dream and yet not able to break free of it. At least the conscious part of her mind hoped it was just a dream as her nemesis drew closer, a gun in his hand, his finger on the trigger, her back against the wall in that empty hotel kitchen. Menacing words spilled from his lips; words that sentenced her and her daughter to the fate he had planned for them. She couldn't make out all the words…there was something loud in the background, muffling the voice. It sounded like a shower turned on full blast and she couldn't reconcile the noise or the words or the gun pointed at her…and how suddenly her daughter was there beside her and there were more guns pointed at both of them. She tried desperately to push her daughter out of the way only to be met by her resistance…and then there was a flash of light and loud bang and she screamed over and over, suddenly unable to see as the dream was plunged into darkness.

"Jo," Jim murmured; grasping her flailing arms and shaking her.

"No!" his wife screamed, still caught in the grips of her nightmare. "No; no, please, no! I want to go home! Please!"

"Johanna," he said, a little louder, shaking her a little harder. She was deep in the depths of her dream, shaking wasn't working, he saw and so he tightened his hold on her arms and jerked her upright, causing her to gasp and her eyes fly open. "Shhh," he murmured, seeing the last vestige of a scream on her lips as he tugged her against his chest. "It's alright, sweetheart. You're home. You're safe."

"Hhhh…home," she stuttered, the fog of sleep and terror slowly giving way to consciousness.

"Yes," he whispered, his hand moving against her back slowly. "You're home; no one is going to hurt you. I won't let anyone ever hurt you again."

The tension in her body eased and she melted against him, sobbing as she tried to reconcile dream and reality.

Jim rocked her back and forth gently. "It's alright, sweetheart. It's alright, I've got you. You're home and everything is going to be alright. No one is going to hurt you again, I promise."

His words were soothing her and calming her; but then there was a bright flash of lightning and a loud crack of thunder which startled her and made her flinch violently in his embrace, her nails digging into his back as she held onto him for dear life.

"It's just a storm," her husband murmured. "A loud one, but a storm none the less. I won't let it hurt you."

"I'm sorry," she whispered through her tears.

"For what?" he asked.

She shivered in his embrace; her nerves making her feel cold. "It's the second time I've woke you."

Jim pulled back from her a little to see her face and he gave her a smile. "That's alright, honey; I don't mind. I'm just glad you're home."

"Home," she murmured again as she burrowed back into his embrace.

"That's right," he said softly as he held her tightly. "You're home. It's alright; you were just having a bad dream and it's no wonder after everything you've been through the last few days…not to mention the last thirteen years."

"I thought I'd sleep good tonight," Johanna said quietly, her tears still seeping through his thin shirt.

"I did too but I understand why you're not. You took a nap when you came home, which you needed…and you probably didn't dream much, you were so exhausted; or if you did, it wasn't enough to bother or wake you. Now you've been up this evening, thinking about things and going over it all again in your mind…you've got a lot rolling around in there and it's decided to come out in the form of nightmares. Tomorrow night will probably be better for you," Jim assured.

"I hope so…for both of us."

"Don't worry about me," he stated, his voice warm and soothing. "I'm fine."

"I feel badly though; I hate to wake you like that," she sniffled.

"It's fine, sweetheart. I've chased your dreams away before, it's nothing new…and it's a job I don't mind doing."

"I'm glad," she said softly, shivering once more as she pressed her cheek firmly against him, breathing in his scent.

"You're cold," Jim murmured, reluctantly pulling away from her. "Let me get you another blanket."

Johanna trembled as he slipped away from her, her eyes following him as he crossed the room, stopping at the dresser long enough to click on the dainty looking hurricane lamp made of thin lavender glass that she had bought during their road trip over thirty years before. The dim light chased away the shadows of the room, allowing her to drink in the sight again as he finished the trek to the closet and took down a familiar blue blanket. She noted that he left the light on as he made his way back to her, a small comforting smile on his lips as he spread the blanket over her. "Do you want a cold drink, sweetheart?" he asked. "Your voice is a little scratchy from crying, I'm sure your throat is dry."

"Yes, please," she murmured.

He pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "I'll be right back."

"Jim," she called after him.

"Yeah?"

"My head hurts a little; do we have anything I can take."

He gave a nod. "Yeah, I'll get you an Advil."

"Thank you," she murmured in appreciation as he opened their bedroom door and moved into the hallway. It wasn't a lie, she did have a dull headache, but she knew the Advil always made her sleep and perhaps she'd be able to sleep better with the medicine in her system.

* * *

It was going to a long night, Jim thought to himself as he made his way downstairs and entered the kitchen. He turned the light on, blinking against the brightness for a moment before he crossed the room to get a glass out of the cupboard. The clock on the microwave said 3:11 and he grimaced slightly. Johanna's first nightmare had arrived shortly after midnight, complete with thrashing limbs and strangled cries. Waking her had been easy that time; she hadn't been caught too deeply in the web of the nightmare, allowing for an easy rescue. She had cried as he held her close, he recalled as he moved to the refrigerator to fill the glass with ice and water. She had cried and declined to share the details of the dream, saying only that she was sorry she had woke him. He hadn't pressed her for more information, figuring it best to allow it to pass quickly on its own. She had gone back to sleep relatively easily and quickly…and maybe that hadn't been the good thing he had thought it was at the time.

Jim sighed and raked his hand through his hair; only a little over two hours between nightmares, it didn't bode well for the rest of the night. He didn't mind the lack of sleep; he could catch up on that later…but he hated to see her face such torment in her dreams. He was going to have to push for details this time, he thought to himself; the nightmare had obviously been worse; the cries had turned into screams that had jerked him upright, his heart pounding with fear that someone had managed to get past him and was trying to harm her. He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the coldness of the glass against his palm; his heart hadn't quit hammering against his ribs until he had jerked her upright and into his arms.

With his fear still in mind, he went to the back door and checked the locks again, and he knew he had already checked them at least fifty times during the evening but he couldn't help himself. His wife was home, she had to be protected…he couldn't allow any possibility that she could be harmed or taken from him. He had to keep her safe, from monsters that lurked in reality, and the ones invading her dreams.

Jim moved through the kitchen and clicked the light off; drifting through the house in darkness with the exception of the lightning that pierced outside the windows. He paused at the stairs, knowing he wouldn't rest if he didn't double check the front door again. He didn't resist the urge and headed toward it, completing the routine all over again before he pulled the thin curtain back on the window of the door and peered out. A flash of lightning allowed him to see that the porch was void of any threats; the neighborhood was still and dark as he had expected. With the task completed, he returned to the stairs, remembering that he needed to grab his wife a pain reliever.

He didn't doubt that she had a dull headache; little food, little sleep and massive stress were the perfect combination for a headache…he'd had one of his own earlier in the evening; but he had a feeling that she mainly wanted the medicine because it made her sleepy and she'd assumed that it would make her sleep better. It was an old tactic of hers, he mused as he reached the bathroom and clicked the light on. She didn't believe in taking sleeping pills; but she firmly believed in the side effect of drowsiness from an over the counter pain reliever. Oh well, he thought as he sat the glass on the sink, truth be told, he'd rather her take the Advil than a sleeping pill.

Before he could open the medicine cabinet, something caught his eye in the trashcan. He moved toward it and plucked out the balled up black material, unrolling Johanna's black blazer first and then the white silk blouse and the matching black skirt. Another old tactic, he observed, his fingers rubbing against the thin silk of her blouse. He sighed deeply; it had been a hell of a day…or should he say week…or years? In any case, it had been one for the books. He brought the blouse to his nose, breathing in the trace of her perfume that remained on it. He hadn't had to sniff the old bottle of her perfume for a few months now…now he could smell it on her skin and clothes like he always had before. Life had been colorless and dull without her…the months she had spent at Katie's had been a life limited by circumstances…but now she was home…and life could start again for them.

Carefully he balled up the clothes the way she had them and shoved them back into the trashcan. He'd buy her a new silk blouse and skirt to take their place but right now she was waiting for him and he needed to get back to her. Jim opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the bottle of pain relievers, shaking out two tablets into his palm and then putting the bottle away, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror as he closed the door. He looked like hell, he thought to himself; and he knew for a fact that his wife was pale and that there were dark smudges beneath her eyes denoting the lack of sleep she had gotten all week. They were quite a pair in more ways than one. The night she had stayed there with him for their anniversary, it had been his nightmare that had woke her…tonight it was her nightmares waking him. He hoped to God that the next night they spent in their bed would be peaceful for both of them.

Thinking about the tearstains on her face, he grabbed a washcloth and ran it under the cool water for a few moments and then rung it out before grabbing the glass and the pills he had laid aside. Tomorrow night would be better, he thought before clicking off the light. Tomorrow he'd make sure she was well fed and her mind settled, that she got plenty of rest and that she knew she could discuss any lingering fears with him. She would have plenty of traumas to work through, he knew that, and he was determined to get her through all of them…no matter how many nights he had to spend chasing away the demons in her dreams.

* * *

Johanna shivered as the storm continued to rage outside, thunder cracking loudly, making her flinch in response, her eyes squeezing shut as lightning flashed against the slats of the blinds. Usually she enjoyed a good storm…but tonight she felt like she had already weathered enough of them for the week; her nerves stretched taunt and her body and mind weary from the exhaustion and stress…not to mention the nightmares that seemed determined to plague her tonight.

She turned her back to the window, trying to block out the storm as she pulled the covers around her tightly, waiting for her husband to return. Why wasn't she sleeping easy tonight? She should be; she was finally back in her own home, in her own bed, her husband next to her. Katie was safely tucked away with Rick at his home. The monster who had destroyed their lives was spending his first night in jail. She should be sleeping soundly…and yet the monster was there, in her dreams, the terror continuing. She squeezed her eyes shut again, a tear slipping from beneath her lashes. Would his face ever go away? Would the fear ever go away? She felt the relief; she felt like her muscles had unclenched and released some of the knots they'd held for years…but there was still a measure of fear lingering, keeping the turmoil swirling deep within her.

Would she ever get to relax? Would she ever know what it was like to sleep and wake without worry again? Did she even remember what such a thing felt like? She curled into a ball; why couldn't she just make it go away? She was home…this was what she wanted, to be home, in her own bed with her husband and yet she had woke up screaming, gripped with the terror that she'd never get back home. Johanna forced herself to take deep breaths and release them slowly, trying to settle the panic that the remembrance brought back to her. She was home…it was hard for her mind to reconcile the fact after so long but she was there, she thought, forcing her eyes to open and scan the dimly lit room. This was her home; their bedroom…that was the cream colored carpet she had chosen on the floor; that was her vanity that she'd had since she was a teenager. Those were the lamps she had picked out on the nightstands she had bought to match the dressers. That was her jewelry box on the dresser beside her old hurricane lamp. Those were her white lace curtains on the windows. The comforter that held swirls of blue and lavender and black was the one she had chosen many years before…this was the bed they had bought when their old one had, as Jim put it, died in a blaze of glory. The remembrance brought a small wobbly smile to her lips as her fingers clutched the covers. That was her husband's scent on the sheets and his pillow; his watch on the nightstand just as her necklace laid on hers. It was home; her home…and in the morning she'd go into her bathroom and sink into the old clawfoot bathtub and soak in the hot water like she always had when she had a bad day or week. She'd wash it all away…and then she'd soak up the time with her husband…she could wander through the house and touch every surface remembering that it was hers…that she never had to leave again.

Her eyes closed at the thought but a flash of her nightmare splashed across her mind, evil eyes boring into her as he came closer, holding a gun, making threats…she whimpered as she clutched the covers. Would she ever not see that face when she closed her eyes? Would her brain ever let her push it away so that she could sleep without trouble?

There wasn't time to ponder the workings of her brain as she heard Jim's footsteps in the hallway. Her eyes snapped open, anticipating the sight of him and she was soon rewarded as he appeared in the doorway, carrying a glass of ice water and a wash cloth in one hand, his other hand curled around what she assumed was the medicine she had asked for.

"Here, sweetheart," he said quietly as he perched on the edge of the bed, waiting for her to sit up.

Johanna pushed herself upright and accepted the glass he handed her, gulping down half of the cold water greedily in hopes of soothing the tightness of her throat.

"Save some to swallow your pills with," her husband coaxed, his fingers wrapping around the glass and urging it away from her mouth.

She swallowed, her hand lowering the glass as her fingers reached for the pain relievers laying in his palm. She popped them into her mouth without a word and swallowed them with another long sip of water. "Thank you," she murmured as she handed him the glass to sit on the stand, a small amount of water remaining for now until the ice melted.

"You're welcome," he replied as he lifted the damp washcloth and gently wiped the tearstains from her face with it. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, despite the occasional tremble of her body. "I'm fine."

"Do you want me to leave the light on?" Jim asked quietly, his fingertips skimming the line of her chin, his gaze on hers so she knew he wouldn't find it a sign of weakness if she was somewhat fearful of the shadows tonight. The lamp on the dresser was dim and wouldn't keep him from sleeping, not that he cared much if it did; her comfort tonight was more important.

"No…I'm fine."

"You're pale," he remarked.

"You said that earlier," she replied softly.

"It's still true," he said, his brow furrowing with concern as he folded the washcloth and laid it on the nightstand.

"I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow."

Jim gave her a small smile. "I'm sure you will be; I'll make you a good breakfast in the morning, that should help. Dinner probably wasn't enough."

"I'm supposed to make breakfast for you."

"Not tomorrow," he told, his hand caressing her face before his fingers threaded through her tousled hair. "You've been through a lot; especially the last few days. I want you to take it easy tomorrow…sleep late, move around the house a little so your mind gets used to the idea that you're home to stay; just have some quiet time, some peace; you've earned it."

She smiled in response as she nodded, pressing her cheek against his palm as his hand skimmed her face once more. "That sounds good…I'm just sorry that I haven't made tonight very peaceful."

"Don't you worry about that," he told her, his tone low and warm.

Her fingers curled around his wrist gently. "Come back to bed," she whispered; "Hold me."

His lips captured hers in a soft kiss before he rose from where he sat on the edge of the bed. Jim moved across the room, clicking off the dim lamp and then returned to his side of the bed as thunder rumbled and lightly flashed. He saw her shiver; usually storms didn't bother her, but he knew that tonight was different in so many ways. He picked up the remote from the nightstand as he got in bed. "I'll turn the TV on for you," he told her as he clicked the television back on. "I should've left it on like you usually do…it probably would've helped you."

"It's alright," she murmured; "I was probably asleep before you were, I didn't notice."

Jim found a sitcom he knew she liked and turned the volume down to where she'd be able to make out the dialogue without the noise being too loud to keep them awake. He then laid the remote back on the stand and settled in, opening his arms for her, beckoning her close so he could hold her as she had asked.

Johanna settled against him, another feeling of relief shooting through her body as she soaked up his warmth.

"Tell me about your dream," he said quietly.

The tension returned to her body just as quickly as it had left, her hand curling into his shirt. "I don't want to talk about it."

His hand rubbed her back. "Maybe it'll go away if we sort it out logically for you."

"I don't know…" she whispered.

"Where were you in the dream?" he asked, keeping his voice quiet so she wouldn't feel like it was a demand.

"In that empty hotel kitchen," Johanna murmured.

"Where you saw him today…or rather I should say yesterday by this point?"

"Yes."

"Was he there in the dream?"

"Of course…before I knew who it was, he was always shadowed; I couldn't ever see him despite the things done to me. But now I see him…and I don't want to see him," she cried softly.

"He can't hurt you now," Jim assured. "What happened in the dream; was it the way it happened in reality?"

"Started that way," she said, shivering against his side.

"What happened?"

"He pulled a gun."

Jim nodded. "Well, from what I know about what happened, you had the gun…but knew he had one hid that he kept itching to reach for. So naturally your brain turned it inside out and made him pull the gun in your dream. Did you have your gun in the dream?"

"I don't know…I was scared, I didn't see it."

"Alright; that's just the fear that you kept shoved away while you were facing him. You knew you had to be strong and brave to take him down, you didn't have time for fear…it's caught up with you in your dreams."

"He kept coming toward me," Johanna whispered, her voice full of tears.

"Did he come toward you in reality?"

"Only until I raised the gun and told him to stop."

"You had control of the situation, he knew he couldn't make a sudden move with a gun pointed at him," Jim remarked; "In your dream, where the fear caught up with you, he had the control, like he's had for years, like your mind is used to. Your subconscious hasn't caught up with the fact that the tables have turned. What happened as he came toward you in the dream?"

"He had the gun pointed at me…said he'd kill me," she cried. "He said this time it would be for real and I wouldn't make a comeback. He said he should've done it himself in the first place."

Jim held her tightly. "You told me when he was being taken away today, he looked at you and said that he should've killed you himself."

"He did say that."

"That's why he came toward you in the dream, sweetheart; your brain keeps remembering that parting shot of his…you keep remembering it and thinking about it. You feel like you were like him because you held a gun on him and thought about pulling the trigger…and I don't blame you a bit for thinking about it because I'd like to do it myself; but that's why the tables turned in your dream, he said he should've done it himself and so your dream was letting him because your feelings are mixed up. You did nothing wrong; all you did was end it and you ended it without spilling a drop of blood. You did it the right way; he's the one who did things the wrong way."

"I know," she said softly, her arm wrapping around him, her fingers curling into his waist.

"What else happened in your dream?"

"He kept coming toward me, making threats, the gun aimed at me…suddenly Katie was there too and he was telling me he'd kill her too," Johanna murmured; her grip on him tightening.

"Alright; Katie was suddenly there in your dream because she appeared suddenly in reality. You didn't expect her to find you but she did, she found you and she came in…so naturally she'd appear the dream. You know that it was Bracken's orders that caused Katie to be hurt. Your brain had already twisted things into him coming at you himself, so of course it was going to have him go toward her too. What happened next?"

"He kept saying things but I couldn't hear them all, there was too much noise, like a waterfall or a shower on full blast."

"The rain," Jim stated. "The storm was breaking through your dream; I heard the rain too, it was coming down pretty hard, sweetheart; it did sound like shower turned on full blast."

"There were more guns behind him," she went on without his coaxing this time. "I couldn't see who had them but there were more guns pointed at us."

"Okay; what really happened was that Ryan and Esposito came in; they, along with Katie wanted you to put your gun down but you didn't want to because you suspected Bracken had one and you were afraid he'd hurt Katie. You told Esposito; Katie would've already had her gun on him, Ryan too, Esposito found the gun Bracken had. Your dream turned it into more guns against you…most likely because in reality, they were all behind Bracken when they came in the room, you were facing them, their guns were on him, not you; but your mind twisted it in your dream."

"That makes sense," she said softly, allowing his quiet logical words to soothe her.

"Of course," he murmured; his thumb rubbing gentle circles against her arm. "What came next in the dream?"

"I was afraid, I knew they were going to shoot…I was trying to push Katie out of the way."

Her husband gave a nod. "That's not surprising…you went after Bracken to save Katie, to keep her safe. You left with the F.B.I. to keep me and Katie safe. Your brain knows your instinct is always to protect Katie so you're trying to save her in your dream because that's what you'd do no matter what."

"She kept trying to resist my push."

"That's because you know how Katie is, she'd want to save you…she wouldn't accept anything less than both of you walking away; that's all that was. You always protect her; and your heart and mind knows that Katie would do everything in her power to save you."

"That's true."

"What happened next?"

"There was a flash of light," Johanna answered.

"That was most likely the lightning," her husband replied; "Some part of you was waking because of the storm, you sensed the flash of light from the windows."

"There was a loud bang and then I was just screaming."

"The thunder," Jim remarked; "There was a loud crack of thunder before you started screaming. You heard the thunder, sweetheart; not guns. Was that the end of the dream?"

"Yes…all of that was more than enough."

"Your mind just had the real events jumbled up with your feelings and your fears," he soothed; "I don't think it'll bother you anymore. Everything in the dream had a logical explanation, didn't it?"

"Yes."

"It won't come back," Jim said with conviction.

"I just wanted to come home," she sniffled; remembering the last vestiges of the dream. "I just wanted to come home, I wanted you."

"I know," he replied, his tone quiet as he shifted to hold her more snugly; "And you are home…and you have me; I'm right here next to you and I'm not going anywhere. You're home with me and you're safe; no one is going to hurt you and no one is taking you out of here; and that dream isn't coming back because we done tainted it with logic and you know nightmares hate that, don't you?"

She nodded against him but said nothing, still somewhat fearful of shutting her eyes and seeing it all over again…or something worse. "How could anyone ever think he was good?" she whispered, her voice trembling. "I looked in his eyes today and all I could see was evil…pure evil. I don't think I have ever seen that much evilness in one person's eyes before…it scared me…it scared me so badly."

"And yet you didn't flinch," Jim said softly. "You looked that evilness in the face and you won, Johanna. You won; he didn't defeat you, he didn't win."

"I'll still worry for a long time…I'll worry he'll come back."

"He's not coming back," he replied with conviction. "There's no way in hell."

"I just don't understand," she murmured; "How no one saw that evilness in him before…or why the ones who did just allowed it to grow and stayed silent…letting lives be destroyed just so he could make himself into some kind of golden idol."

"Some people are able to hide their evilness…they have two faces and the world at large, the one he wants something from gets the face that lies; the one they think will keep them safe. A wolf in sheep's clothing so to speak. As for the people who knew what he was doing and did nothing to stop him so they could save their own asses…they've paid, at least some of them, because those dirty cops who knew too much, they're gone. Anyone left in his organization that knows and was party to all his dirty deeds, they're shaking in their boots, because they know it's all going to fall down on them. They all lost…you won, sweetheart. That quote you always liked so much, "vincit omnia veritas", you proved it true…truth conquers all. That's why you won and he lost…that's why you're home and he's in a cell where he belongs."

"I don't want him to haunt my dreams…I don't want to see his face…I don't want to see the evilness in his eyes every time I close my eyes. I needed to know who it was so I could come home…I needed to know…and now I know and I just want his face to go away."

"It'll go away," he promised. "All you have to do is let it fly away."

"I don't know how," she murmured tearfully.

"Just think happy thoughts," he told her quietly; "Just watch that old show you like so much that I found on TV and think some happy thoughts and you'll be alright, sweetheart."

"I'm trying," she whispered.

"I know," he replied; but he could still feel the nervous tension in her body. He needed to find some other way to comfort…years ago when nightmares haunted her and she wanted to forget, he'd make love to her, wiping away whatever frightened her with thoughts of passion and love; but she wasn't up for that tonight. It was the last thing she needed at the moment…but his touch had always seemed to soothe her, no matter the manner in which it was bestowed.

With that thought in mind, he slipped his hand beneath the hem of the shirt he had given her to sleep in, drawing it up a little, keeping his touch gentle and soft as his fingers grazed the skin of her back so she wouldn't think he wanted something more than to offer comfort at the moment. His wife breathed deeply, melting against his side as she kept her tired gaze on the TV screen. He stayed quiet too, his hand moving slowly against her back and trailing over the curve of her hip before gliding back upwards. He felt like she didn't require more words at the moment…and so he didn't bother to mention that he had found the skirt, blouse and jacket he had stripped off of her that afternoon shoved into the trash can in the bathroom.

Really, he didn't need to ask about it; it didn't come as a surprise. His wife had a habit of throwing clothes away that she felt carried a stigma. He could remember a plum colored dress and jacket that she had been crazy about; anticipating the moment it would go on sale so that she could add it to her work wardrobe. It finally hit the sale status in October of 93…and the day she cut the tags off and put it on turned into the day that her mother died. He had been out of town for work and it had taken him half the night to get home to her; and sometime in the early morning hours after she had finally cried herself into exhaustion, he had gone downstairs to get a drink and he had found that plum colored dress crumpled in the trash can along with the matching jacket. It hadn't been a surprise then either; a few years before, the green sweater she had been wearing when her father died had found its way into the garbage, as had the dress she wore to his funeral…and blue skirt and white blouse she had worn to the reading of his will. The black dress pants and peach colored silk blouse she wore the day she found out she was on the list to be cut from the law firm due to downsizing had been tossed away too.

Jim could trace the behavior all the way back to the summer of 1975 when her grandfather had died. They hadn't started dating yet but he had picked her up at a diner near her parents house after the funeral and she had asked to stay with him. He had allowed her to of course; had even taken it upon himself to go get her different clothes to wear while she was asleep the next morning. He had taken her home the next afternoon and when he returned to his apartment, he found her black funeral dress and pantyhose balled up in the trashcan in his bathroom. He had never said a word about it to her…nor had he mentioned the other outfits that were deemed too offensive to remain over the years. Even the white floral dress she had worn to the precinct the day she came to tell them she was alive had been spotted in the trashcan in her hotel room when he had gone to see her.

He never questioned it; it just seemed to be her way...like a chapter couldn't close unless the clothes were shed and thrown away. Some sort of rite of passage, he mused; as if the clothes had to go because she was no longer the same woman who had put them on…like that plum colored dress; she had gotten dressed that morning knowing her mother was alive; she was still Naomi's cherished daughter, secure in that love and the knowledge that she'd see her in the afternoon…and she had, but not in the way she had planned. The dress had to go because it was the last thing her mother saw her in; it marked the end of Naomi's life…the end of Johanna's life as a daughter in the normal sense of the word. She felt orphaned…she wasn't the same; the dress a symbol, it had to go.

The white floral dress she had worn for her return to New York marked the end of her days of hiding…but it had also brought with it new turmoil as her homecoming hadn't gone quite as expected. The dress had to go. Today she had faced the villain that had plagued her…plagued them all for thirteen years. Today she ended it…but she'd never be able to look at those clothes without thinking of that moment, of seeing his face, hearing his parting words. The clothes had to go. It was a ritual that he couldn't say he understood entirely…but he respected it and allowed her to do it without comment or judgment. The only thing that puzzled him was that she never threw away the shoes.

Jim brushed a light kiss against Johanna's hair, feeling her body relax as sleep began to reclaim her, but then a crack of thunder sounded, making her flinch and raise her head. "It's just the storm," he murmured quietly, his hand still moving against her skin. "Go back to sleep."

"I'm not sure I can," she said sleepily.

"You can," he replied, keeping his tone low and quiet. "Do you remember when I took you to the cabin for vacation the first summer we were together?"

"Yes."

"And our vacation got crashed thanks to my mother's plotting," he added.

Johanna nodded against his chest. "I remember."

"Then you remember that night we snuck out of the house at midnight and I took you to that little hidden spot in the woods where we could swim."

"Mhmm…I always think of it as our secret spot."

"That's right, sweetheart; it's out secret spot…and that night we had fun, we had a picnic and we swam…and it stormed, remember?"

"I'll never forget," she murmured.

"Good…you just think about that; you just remember us in the car…the storm outside and how the radio was full of static and we didn't care…because we were wrapped up in each other."

"Those are always the best moments," Johanna said softly; "When we're just wrapped up in each other."

"I agree," he replied, scrapping his fingers over the lacy scrap of material at her hip as he skimmed his hand over her skin. "We have plenty of those moments for you to think about…like our first Thanksgiving…not the bad one, but the redo."

She smiled, her hand moving against his chest. "That's a good one…and our engagement."

"And our honeymoon," he said with a suggestive lilt.

She gave a soft laugh. "You had to go there, didn't you?"

"Of course; you'd think less of me if I didn't. But if you want tamer moments, there's our first night home with Katie…when everyone left and we realized we were terrified of her…so we brought her in here and put her in the cradle and stared at it half the night in case we missed the slightest movement or huff of distress."

"I think she knew we were afraid of her," Johanna replied quietly but he noted that her tone was light.

"Yeah; I think so too…she thought she won; but eventually we got over the fear and we schooled her. You see, a win then, a win now."

"Except our daughter isn't evil."

"She has her moments," Jim quipped.

"Jim," she laughed, tapping his chest lightly in admonishment.

"You know it's true," he went on; "She does have her evil moments…like when she's interrupting the moments I'm trying to create with you."

She thought for a moment. "Okay; I'll give you that one…but we never tell her."

"Deal," he replied.

Johanna shifted a little, tipping her face upwards to see him, a small smile touching her lips, a sparkle of amusement in her eyes that he could make out in the light from the TV. "Do you remember the time we broke the bed?" she asked.

A wide grin spread across his face. "You better believe it; that's one of my all time favorites."

She giggled against his side and he reveled in the sound. "It was a moment that can never be forgotten, isn't it?" she asked.

"I'd say so," he replied; "All those years you thought we'd never top falling out of the bed and then we broke it. I'll never forget you saying 'I think we killed it'."

"Well we did," she laughed.

"Yeah," he chuckled; "But what a way to go…it died in a blaze of glory."

She laughed softly, her hand cupping his cheek and her eyes locked on his for a long moment as she drank in the fact that it was all real. She caught his lips in a soft kiss, allowing it to linger until she had no choice but to break away.

"Jim," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart," he told her as she settled back against his chest. "You sleep now, you've got plenty of happy thoughts to think of…I'll keep the monsters away."

"You always do," Johanna said softly; grateful for the feel of his hand moving against her back and the warmth of his body against hers…thankful for his love and the fact that she had survived to make it back home to him. The nightmare was over…and she allowed her mind to wonder back in time like he had suggested, because she was home now…she was safe; Jim would keep her safe…he'd slay any dragons who dared to disturb her. With that thought in mind, she allowed the memories to sweep in, sinking into dreams of the past as sleep reclaimed her.


End file.
